


There Are Things To Move On To

by kirsten1234



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-12 01:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 62,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5648620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirsten1234/pseuds/kirsten1234
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern day, AU. Katniss has not lived an easy life and although there are tough things in her past and in her immediate path, she know that there is more to live for, more to come, and that there are things to move on to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - I can't do this

The car is parked 20 yards from the front of the clinic.

“Can you hold these for me?” I ask, passing 5 sheets of paper towards him – on our way out of the apartment this morning I’d managed to drop my folder of notes, successfully mixing up every page when I bundled them all together so we wouldn’t be late.

He ignores my request, keeping his hands firmly on the steering wheel. I roll my eyes at his ignorance and put the pile onto the dashboard while I sort the remaining sheets in my lap.

“I can’t do this.” His voice is surprisingly shaky.

“Do what? The appointment? It was booked weeks ago, I told you to take the time off work, even just an hour if you couldn’t bear to be away for the whole morning.”

_Work_ was a fancy government office in the financial district. Judging from the crisp shirt and suit I can tell he hasn’t taken the morning off like I have.

I shove the papers back into their folder in the right order.

“It’s not that.” He then tells me.

I’m getting fed up with this. He’s been acting off for a few weeks now - giving me odd glances, spending more time at work, not helping with anything. Yesterday, for example, after I had finished work and arrived home in the torrential rain, I’d found he hadn’t gone to the grocery store as requested, he hadn’t actually left the office yet, nor had he managed to put his work clothes from the last week into the laundry basket and he hadn’t made an attempt to assist me with the cleaning. So I completed everything, got home with groceries after 9pm and found him in bed asleep. Sometimes he can infuriate me.

“Right then,” I say, exasperation filling my tone, “come on, the appointment is in 5 minutes.” I undo my seatbelt and open the door, but I’m the only one moving.

“Gale.”

He keeps his head low.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. The pregnancy. The baby.”

His words stump me, and I freeze halfway out of the car. “What? What do you mean? _You_ can’t do this? _We_ already are doing _this_ – we’ve done this to the halfway point already!” I almost shout, indicating my 20 week pregnant belly.

He doesn’t reply and my blood boils with his attitude.

“Fine!” I huff, picking up my things and slamming the car door. I stalk towards the clinic entrance, not even bothering to see what he does next.

 

~~~

 

“Now Katniss, your blood pressure is still a little elevated, moreso than last time,” Nurse Rue tells me.

“I’m not half surprised,” I say as she takes the cuff off my arm, “Gale’s really pushing my buttons right now!” The baby chooses its moment to move lightly – this is one smart kid, knows exactly when I’m badmouthing daddy, even when it’s true.

“I’m serious Katniss. You’re slowly creeping up the cause for concern list and could be at high risk of developing pre-eclampsia.”

I nod, “Ok, I’ll be more careful.” I’m still seething unfortunately, which doesn’t make Rue particularly happy.

 

~~~

 

I walk, though it’s more like an angry stride, to work early. I’m a manager at the biggest leisure centre in the city – a role which they gave me to keep me under ‘lesser exertion’ for my pregnancy, something which Gale had insisted early on.

It pissed me off then and it still does now. It’s a desk job with minimal outdoor hours, and not something I took on my role in the outdoor department for. The pay and benefits are better though – and I’m certainly reaping those.

My office is on the third floor, with windows on two sides. One set overlooks the pool and the other onto the great expanse of green then further onto the forests, which were my previous offices. The door is unlocked when I get there after 10am and I find Finnick with his feet up in my chair.

“Katniss!” he says with a wide smile, “Didn’t expect you back. Here are your duties, I did my _best_ not to burn anything down, shame about the archery shed …” He says, winking and standing before mock bowing to let me into the chair.

“I’m going for a swim, keep the reins until lunch.” I tell him shortly and drop my bags off before picking up my swimming kit.

 

Being in the water provides a momentary sense of calm. I’ll admit that it is nice and I like the monotony of swimming lengths, but my mind can’t help flickering to the morning’s events.

It wasn’t a surprise that we blew up at each other. Again. Or, well, I’d blown up at him. But it _is_ all his fault. He was the one excited about this first, he was the one who always said ‘ _yes, I’d love children, can’t wait to have them’_ from when we were just teenagers. I never commented on the matter. Falling pregnant wasn’t in my schedule for right now. Actually it wasn’t in my schedule for anytime at all, however nothing can change things now.

I’m heading back to my office before long.

“You ok?” Finnick asks before leaving, “You were chugging along at a fair pace out there” he adds. He’ll have been watching from the window. I just nod and settle in to try and work.

 

~~~

 

The day moves at a steady pace.

“Do you want to come over for dinner … and stuff?” I ask Madge down the phone towards five.

“Sure, meet you outside my office at 7?” she replies and I agree before hanging up the phone.

Madge is a busy woman nowadays with her business, but she always has time for me and my complaints – which seem to have quadrupled with pregnancy. We share the same opinion on kids at this point in life. Neither of us wanted them, myself full stop and her just this early. She wants to be a success with a career first, and right now I can’t agree more and wish I’d followed her path.

I finish checking the work schedule for tomorrow and ensure the evening cleaners are getting on ok before locking up my office and saying goodnight to the night manager.

 

The walk to Madge’s office isn’t long, it’s only around the corner. Before I took on my managerial role and had a defined lunch break, we used to meet and eat together regularly. Unfortunately I generally have to work through the typical lunchtime these days.

She steps outside as I arrive and gives me a warm smile and wraps an arm around my shoulder, “How was your appointment?” she asks.

I sigh, “Fine.”

She gives me a questioning look, “I’ll explain over dinner, please drink enough wine for me, too”

 

~~~

 

I lock the door once we’re inside the apartment, Gale can’t get in even if he wants to - he better have the mind _not_ to want to at this point though.

Madge has the wine poured and the takeaway cartons open. I’m very tempted to have a few mouthfuls of wine. I’m sure it’s fine, the French do it all the time apparently – but I won’t.

“So,” Madge starts, settling on the couch, “put your feet up, eat, and tell me what happened.”


	2. Chapter 1 - It's just pregnancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss finds an unlikely friend after Gale's flight and his help is crucial for her. The next steps of Katniss' story.

 

It’s after midnight when I double bolt and chain the door. Madge is staying over in the spare room soon-to-be-nursery, and Gale hasn’t come back yet. I’ve decided he won’t be coming in tonight. He can come in when he gets over this ridiculous charade.

I don’t want to sleep in our bed. I try for a while but the tossing and turning is making me more restless, so I creep in and lie on the double bed next to Madge, and proceed to only get a few hours of rest. I think I hear keys trying the front door around four. I don’t get up though, and Gale doesn’t stick around trying for very long.

Madge wakes early to head home before work, if I don’t get up at the same time then I’m sure I won’t have bothered at all. I get ready and squeeze into jeans before leaving and walking to work early.

 

“Giving you rough nights already?” Finnick’s’ shout reaches me from where he’s cycling down the road to the centre, and he points to my growing stomach as he does. He hops off his bicycle in front of the staff entrance and waits for me.

“What?” I say, scowling.

He just gives me a curious look before shaking his head, “You’re in early today, pool’s normally mine before 7.”

We head inside together and both get on with an early swim before opening the doors at quarter past 7 for the public.

 

Work is slow, though at least no one is bothering me. I half expect Gale to call at some point, but the phone never rings. It’s at times like these that I wish I wasn’t with someone as stubborn as myself. It would be very easy for us to ignore everything and get on with things, although now there is another life to consider and just looking at my small belly makes me gulp with fear.

Gale had been so excited to become a father, he took one look at the doubt on my face when we were both looking at the positive pregnancy test and he kissed me and told me everything would be wonderful and great and that he loved me _so much_. Yeah, that _much_ is just so obvious right now.

By the end of the day I’ve decided I’ll give him _just one more day_ to think his opinion over and if he hasn’t called, then I’ll confront him. I call Madge again and we go to her house to have dinner.

 

~~~

 

One day turns into a week - seven nights of restlessness and no sleep and dinner with Madge. It must be taking a toll on me. Everyone at work keeps asking ‘ _are you doing ok?_ ’ with concerned expressions plastered on their faces as they glance between my abdomen and tired eyes. I manage to brush most of them off, but it’s hard to ignore Finnick.

I meet him each morning as he arrives to swim before the pool opens to the public. We both started working here around the same time, he’s the person I’m most friendly with out of all of the employees. I told him what happened midway through the week, he kindly suggested he go and teach Gale a few lessons. I said I’d keep the offer in mind.

 

Breaking point comes after that week. On my eighth night of no sleep I’m just so damned tired. I can’t do anything, and I can’t bear to lie in our empty bed in our empty apartment anymore. I call Gale at three in the morning. Multiple times over and over again. I ignore the voicemail and call again wanting him to pick up. But I get so frustrated at him the more he doesn’t answer, and I leave an angry shouting message, which ends in a sudden outburst of tears. All I feel is stupidity for even thinking of calling him in the first place.

But then he appears at the front door early the next morning. I haven’t actually slept yet, and my face betrays me and he’s quick to pull me into his body on the threshold.

He says a lot of things once I let him in, but what sets me off is, “I promise Katniss, I’ll help you out where and when I can, I’m not leaving you forever.”

I guffaw and barely hold back the manic, sleep-deprivation-induced laughter, “‘ _where and when you can_?!?!’ What sort of comment is that Gale? _YOU_ wanted this baby too, you don’t just pick and choose what you do with them and when you spend time with them, guess what Gale, BABIES ARE FOR LIFE!” I yell at him while pacing the living room.

He sits lowly on the sofa, keeping quiet.

“As far as I’m concerned, you have very well left me already! You told me that _you couldn’t do this or have this baby_ , who says that to their already pregnant girlfriend, or partner, or whatever I am to you?! This is something _you_ wanted Gale, _YOU_ -”

“Katn-” he tries, but I stop him.

“You know what? Do whatever the hell you want!” I’m hot and flustered with all my stupid hormones. I feel physically sick with how this moment is playing out in front of my eyes and how my life is flipping around outwith my own control. This is all on Gale’s head. It’s all his fault.

 

He stands, head drooping lower than it already is, and walks towards the door. He pauses before closing it behind him and I just about hear his whispered tones.

“You know I have to think of myself sometimes too.”

That one statement blows my fuse, and throwing the glass of water I’d been drinking at the wall isn’t nearly enough.

 

I blow off work, and therefore my phone rings all day. I turn it off at lunchtime so I can be left alone. There’s a knock on the door in the afternoon, but I ignore it. I know it’s either Finnick or Madge, or maybe a neighbour after the morning screaming match and my glass-throwing. My head starts pounding and I pull out a packet of paracetamol from a kitchen drawer, before moving back to the sofa to continue my nap.

The landline rings late in the evening. My headache has worsened over the day, the phone is unbearable and so I cave and answer it harshly.

“Yes?”

“Hello there, Katniss.” It’s Gale’s mother.

“Hi, Hazelle” I say with slight exasperation. I can’t tell from her tone whether she’s spoken to Gale or not, I’m guessing not.

“Katniss, are you ok? You sound tired, you can just put me on Gale sweetheart and I’ll let you rest.”

“He’s not here,” I start, it’s not my job to tell her about his doings, “I’m not sure where he is or when he’ll be back, you should try his mobile. I’m sure he has something he wants to talk to you about.”

“Oh,” she sounds surprised, “Ok dear, take care of yourself now.”

I hang up and dial Madge’s number soon after, apologising for ignoring her calls.

“That’s ok” she has a knowing tone, “I just worry about you sometimes, I like to be kept in the loop … I’m your surrogate parent!”

I know she’s joking, but it’s embarrassing nonetheless that it’s like that. If my parents were around then they would be doing the same.

“Hazelle Hawthorne called,” I quietly tell her, “Gale hasn’t said anything, she wasn’t aware anything was wrong.”

“He’s such a shitbag!”

I chuckle at her exclamation.

“He is, but could he have chosen a better time? Before inseminating me maybe?” I’m great at turning conversations sour it would seem.

“No, I don’t mean that. Not really. It’s just,” I sigh, rubbing my hand through my loose hair and over my tired eyes, “these things just always seem to happen to me, when do you think things will turn around … _mom_?” I smile at my sudden ability to joke back to her.

“You’ll have the baby, and you two will be the best family, trust me Katniss, things will turn around. You won’t want for him at all; you’ll be the best mother for your child.”

I smile more at Madge’s hope and optimism for the future, sometimes I wish I could look through the same rose coloured glasses as she does.

She moves the conversation quickly onwards, “So are we finding out if it’s a boy or a girl at your next appointment then?”

 

~~~

 

“Thank you” I say to the locksmith as he packs up his tools.

It’s nice getting this done, locking out the ‘Gale’ part of my life – apart from the fact that our child is growing happily away inside of me. Well, _was_ happily. A little someone has been causing me over a week of pain. The doctor has assured me over the phone that this is all a normal part of pregnancy, I only give her a grunt in response.

_“Growing pains are normal, your baby is looking for more room to accommodate him or herself with their bigger body size. Now that you’re at 25 weeks you will be getting different types of pain that you’ll get used to. We can discuss it at your next appointment, alright?”_

The next appointment is at 28 weeks, as far as I’m concerned that’s too far away. I had put the phone down in a foul mood after that. My personality doesn’t agree with pregnancy, and irritation is a more common feeling than joy.

I rub my side taking the new sets of keys from the locksmith. My pains have gotten worse over the week since I’d called the doctor, but she made it quite clear that this is normal.

_“Take some time off work, relax, you need to watch your blood pressure.”_

My blood pressure isn’t providing me with any worry, despite the previous warnings. I brush off her words once she had said them and decided to deal with the pain as it comes. Paracetamol is regarded as safe during pregnancy so that would suffice for now.

 

 

I almost double over at work the following day.

“Katniss are you sure you’re alright?” Finnick rushes to my side to hold me up in the stairwell. “You’ve not been looking right, come on Katniss, take some time off.”

“I’m fine” I snap, grabbing the handrail instead of Finnick’s arm. I try to continue up the stairs but my legs are like jelly and they might give way any moment. This weak feeling isn’t me at all, I can’t bear it.

Finnick steps in and holds me up with his strong arms before I have a chance to protest.

“It’s just pregnancy. Growing pains or whatever my doctor called them.”

He’s not looking convinced, and sits me down gently on the stairs then kneels before me. 

“I’m a qualified first aider, as you seem to have forgotten, other than being pregnant, how are you feeling – well in general?” His tone is more serious and I give up trying to get my own way. I’m fed up and tired with life in general at this particular moment in time.

I shake my head.

“You’re in pain, can you localise it, or is it quite general?”

I rub the right side of my belly. “Here,” I say, “I either have a lot of muscles there being stretched or this pain in my ass like to focus kicks and punches here. I can’t even say which organ because I barely know where they are anymore!”

He moves my hands away and feels for himself. I don’t mean to flinch, but I do. And then I cry out.

Finnick shakes his head, “Katniss I don’t think this is your run of the mill pregnancy pains.”

He palpates around a little and I’m ashamed that tears almost flood from my eyes with the pain that his fingers are causing.

He continues shaking his head, “I’m not sure Katniss, but something doesn’t feel right, ok? I can’t let you work like this. I’m taking you to the emergency room.”

I try my best to protest, “No, Finnick, really, I’m fine!”

A hospital is the last place I want to wait for someone to tell me that my pains are normal when I can tell that to myself or listen to my doctor tell me it over the phone. Finnick ignores me, and firmly grips my arms, helping me to stand. Then he guides me slowly back down the stairs.

He pokes his head into the staff room telling them where we’re going, then he takes me and straps me into his car. I feel like a child with all this guidance and supervision.

 

~~~

 

“Pull over” I splutter suddenly. We’re about half way to the hospital and my stomach has started churning. Finnick gives me a dubious glance.

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m going to be sick.”

With that he does as told and I shove open the door, lean out and lose my stomach contents.

Finnick’s a perfect gentleman about it. He pulls my hair back over my shoulder and pats my back a little.

“I’m sorry” I mutter as the car moves off again, he shakes it off and keeps a hand on my shoulder.

 

At the hospital Finnick parks quickly, and despite my protests, helps me walk inside the building. He takes charge of me, which I’m relieved about. He gives the nurse on the desk whatever his first impressions are and judging by how quickly she acted, ‘pregnant’ and ‘abdominal pain’ are a magical combination that gets you rushed to the top of the list. I think his bright smile and witty charm may also play a role.

 

~~~

 

“You don’t need to stay, they’ll let me go soon enough. Go back to work, someone needs to be in charge.”

He surprises me with his answer, “No. I don’t want you here on your own. We are friends, despite whatever you think.”

I shrug, he can waste his time however he wants.

A couple of doctors come by and press all over my abdomen, sides and back. They listen to my heart and lungs. Then they turn to discuss their options.

The male, Dr Wan, an Asian doctor, mentions kidney stones a lot. Then he presses hard around my back again. His colleague, a thin-faced red haired woman, Dr Steppe disagrees eventually. She suggests my gall bladder. Frankly I don’t care which of the two it is, and my stomach heaves and empties itself again before they have time to give any more options.

“Ms. Everdeen have you been feeling sick for a while?” The doctors ask as a nurse passes me a new cardboard basin.

“I threw up yesterday. And a couple of times already today. I guess I’ve been feeling a little more nauseous lately.”

Finnick glares at me when I admit this, “You’ve been working full out Katniss.”

I return his glare, “It wasn’t that bad.”

The doctors share a look.

Another nurse pops her head into the room, handing over a folder which I assume are my OBGYN notes. They have a flick through the pages, then consult the monitor attached to me.

“Ms. Everdeen your blood pressure is in a critical range right now and your heart rate is significantly elevated. These are a lot higher than has been recorded at your obstetric appointments.” Dr Steppe says.

I snort, “I’m not half surprised. I hate hospitals and I really don’t want to be here right now.”

Neither the doctors nor Finnick appreciate my attitude.

“I’m going to call Madge for you” Finnick says finally, standing and leaving me with the doctors.

“I don’t think you understand the severity of your situation Ms. Ever-”

“It’s Katniss. Stop calling me Ms. Everdeen!” Their tones panic me. “I-I just want to go home. Please.”

I hastily swing my legs over the edge of the gurney and push off to stand. But my knees just about give way and I grapple at the bedding to save myself from falling to the ground.

Dr Wan grips me and gives me a stern look. “You must stay in the bed Ms. Ev-, Katniss. There could be a number of different things causing the pain you are experiencing. We need to investigate to determine where the source is so we can give both you and your baby the proper treatment. Without it you could both be at serious risk.” He looks directly into my eyes, but I look away quickly. I can’t bear it.

“Fine.” I mumble, giving up my fight. I let him help me back into bed. Then between them the doctors order a selection of tests and scans, and hook me up to more permanent blood pressure, heart rate and fetal monitors.

They leave me alone, taking a urine sample and several vials of blood with them, and shortly after this Finnick comes back to me. I hadn’t noticed before, but he looks stressed.

“I’m sorry, for making you put up with me,” I tell him.

“Don’t be silly …  you don’t have many people Katniss, you need someone in your corner. Madge is coming soon.”

I redden and turn away from him slightly. I don’t protest when he sits in the seat next to the bed and shuffles into it to make himself more comfortable.

“Thank you. You can stay, just until Madge comes,” I sigh.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the support with comments and kudos's after the prologue, I hope the story continues to draw your interest with this first chapter!
> 
>  
> 
> Dr Steppe is based on 'Foxface', gaining her name from the species of fox.
> 
>  
> 
> Taking paracetamol (or acetominophen) during pregnancy has been understood as safe, and has been suggested best taken for the shortest period of time. Recent scientific studies have however identified potential reproductive problems for baby boys. This was in the news when I was making some edits on this chapter (yes, this WIP has been in the works since 2014, with this scientific work being publicised in mid-2015), and working in the science field I wanted to touch on this or give it an inclusion.
> 
> I'll also say I'm not a medical professional, so some facts or proceedures may not be correct.


	3. Chapter 2 - Maternal instincts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madge spends time with Katniss providing support and the eye that she needs when important decisions arise.

 

I must have fallen asleep because the next time I’m aware, Madge is thanking Finnick for bringing me here. They see I’m awake and I wave goodbye to Finnick before he leaves. Madge comes and sits on the edge of the bed.

“The doctor said they were getting you a proper room soon. Looks like you’ll be staying a while. I think they’re worried about preeclampsia with your high blood pressure.”

“Ok.” I pause before saying anything else. “I hate this. I just want to be a normal person. I hate being pregnant.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do” I say tearfully. I don’t like to cry fullstop, but I have let my guard down in front of Madge more than a few times, mainly since falling pregnant.

“I never wanted to be pregnant, this is all Gale’s fault!”

“You should call him-”

She’s cut off by the snort that erupts from me, “Let’s not joke about that.”

Unfortunately my sudden action causes a ripple of pain through my right side and across my abdomen. I think I fail to hide the ache from my expression.

Our conversation is cut short by a knock on the door by Dr Steppe.

“You’re going down for an MRI scan, someone will be by soon to take you. Once we get a look at the results you’ll be moved to a ward, though right now we think you’ll be heading into surgery soon.”

“For what?” I ask.

“Let’s just see the scans first, okay?” She gives a tight smile before disappearing.

Madge looks concerned “You’ll be alright, ok? I’ll stay here with you.”

“I’m not worried, and I don’t doubt that you will.” I try and smile a little to comfort her.

 

 

~~~

 

 

The scan goes fairly quickly, but the baby isn’t fond of the unexpected noises. I tense up and I can hear that my breathing has turned more erratic before a nurse attempts to give some calming words over an intercom from outside the room.

After that I get shunted between exam rooms, each with a variety of machines. On the way back to wherever I had been before, a nurse catches up with me to take more blood and another blood pressure reading. Her eyebrows rise as she records the readings on my chart, but she moves away before I can question her.

They finally settle me into a room with just a few other empty beds, and as I look out of the window I can tell the sun is halfway to setting.

 

Madge appears after the orderlies have left me alone.

“Hey!” she looks around to check if anyone else is in. I’m glad to be in a room alone, I don’t think I could deal with any chit-chat from other patients or other pregnant women if that was the sort of ward I was on.

“You can go home Madge, you’ve been here for ages, you’ll be tired. Besides, they’ll just get me to go to sleep and who wants to watch that?” I smile a little at her.

“Stop this. I’m staying.”

I can’t control what she does, it’s her choice. I avoid her gaze as I rest my head back on the pillow.

“Katniss, I’m your best friend. I care about you. Just listen!”

I turn my head back to look at her, and alike missing the tiredness in Finnick’s face earlier, I’ve obviously missed how upset Madge is.

She sits on the edge of the bed, “I care about you. And clearly Finnick does too. You need to let people care about you sometimes, now more than ever. You don’t have Gale, and that’s fine! But Katniss,” she looks so disheartened before continuing, “you have no-one else, your parents … Prim … they’d want you to have people, they’d want you to let someone care for you for once. Let me, let _someone_ in.”

She stops and I bite my lip in an attempt not to cry. Madge looks like she’s doing the same.

We sit in silence for a while, listening to the gentle beeping of the heart monitors on both myself and the baby.

“I know I told you before that you and the baby would be a family. I didn’t mean it in a bad way or anything, you will be a great family, but there will also be the group of cool aunts and uncles and you know I’ll be with you every step of the way. You’ll look after the baby, and I can look after you, when you need it.”

“I think you’ll need to look after the baby too though, I don’t know very much. I haven’t read any of the books, I don’t know any of the important stuff.” I tell her honestly.

Madge smiles, wipes her damp eyes and sniffs loudly, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you both. And that will start with you moving out of that apartment and into my house. Finnick told me you’ve been run down and ill for a while-”

“I can take care of myself!” I protest.

“Yes, you can,” she starts gently, “but let someone else give it a go, too. I honestly thought that that person would have been Gale for the rest of your lives, but … well you’ve got other people now.”

I _am_ listening to her words, but sometimes you just don’t want to believe what you’re being told.

 

 

~~~

 

 

I must have fallen asleep, because I come around with Dr Steppe checking my IV and setting up some paperwork on the bedside table.

“Our nurses seem to be a little incapable of their job today … Katniss your blood pressure is too high and the MRI has revealed that it’s down to your appendix, so we’re gonna whip that out for you right now.”

I look around tiredly and rub my eyes. It’s almost completely dark out, the sun can’t have been down for long. I must have only been sleeping a short while.

“Er … ok, but how safe is that, for the baby? There must be some risks?”

The doctor nods, “You’re right, there are, however if your appendix bursts you’ll both be much worse off – it could lead to infection of you both, you might go into preterm labour. Now, that could happen as a result of the surgery, but if we get in now that way we have the control and can monitor you both.”

She passes over the consent forms to sign and gets me to check my insurance details. I look everything over before letting Madge have a second glance for me.

“This one,” I hold up the last sheet, “it says about delivering the baby during surgery … I don’t want that, the baby isn’t ready yet! I’m not ready yet!”

I look to Madge in a sudden panic.

“Calm down,” Dr Steppe says sternly, “it’s a precaution, we can’t promise you that it won’t happen but the form is there just in case. It’s a scenario which might occur and we prefer mothers to think about beforehand so it’s not a shock waking up after surgery and not being pregnant. We will deliver the baby if we have to to make sure that he or she is healthy.”

“It’s alright Katniss, it might not happen” Madge reassures, stroking the back of my hand.

“I’m only 28 weeks pregnant.” I say, to no one in particular. I may not be a doctor or know anything about medicine, but I know well enough that the baby won’t be fully developed yet.

“How would the baby manage?”

The doctor pulls out a development chart from a folder I hadn’t noticed. She points diagrams out and how developed my baby is in the big scheme of things.

“You are right to be concerned, and there is a risk of a lot of things going wrong when babies are born this early. Don’t worry about any of this now, I’m thinking of your stress level Katniss. You need to think of the best possible scenario, let us think about everything else.”

I hear what she’s saying, but I’m too stubborn for my own good.

“Just tell me – I need to know what would be wrong with the baby.”

Heck, I still can’t even say _my_ baby, it’s always been _the_ baby. Had Gale stuck to all of his words he’d be hating me right now that I’m not trying hard enough.

The doctor doesn’t look like she wants to answer me, but I hold my ground, demanding the information.

“The baby would be very small, and there could be many different organs which won’t be fully developed.” She stops, uncertain whether to continue.

I think I want to hear more, but I can see Madge in my line of vision and it’s clear _she_ doesn’t want me hearing any more.

 “Ok” I tell them both eventually, picking up the forms and signing them. Thinking about having my baby torn from my body while I’m under anaesthesia is a horrible thought, and not one I want to spend time thinking about.

“But if that happens, _if_ , then tell Madge and she can see the baby. She can stay with the baby so that it has someone there.” I firmly tell them. Maternal instinct appears to have struck at this moment of need.

Dr Steppe loosely agrees to my demand.

It does almost seem stupid, but the baby would be alone, and it’s always had me there. I know Madge loves this baby unconditionally simply because it’s mine, she is what is needed. I find myself thinking a lot more like Prim would in a situation like this. I don’t have time to let any sadness in though.

Dr Steppe takes the papers back, checking that everything is in order.

“I’ll just get these processed and then we’ll be all set, ok? Don’t you worry, just hang tight and everything will be fine.” She smiles and winks before leaving the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you for reading and kudos' etc. - I'm so pleased that anyone does read^ Any comments or constructive criticisms are welcome!


	4. Chapter 3 - Let's get on through to see her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the worse at the hospital, but this gives Katniss an opportunity to meet someone new.

 

My limbs feel heavy and clumsy and my neck feels stiff. I realise my eyes are closed and my eyelids feel like they’ve been plastered down. My hearing comes in slowly and I hear the beeping of machines. As the noises become clearer I begin to feel the weight of canulas in my arm and something on my abdomen.

The baby.

I can’t feel enough to tell if my baby is still inside of me, I can only hope it is.

My senses blur and I assume I’m falling asleep again.

 

~~~

 

“Katniss, can you hear me?” Someone’s asking from above me. I can feel their presence getting closer to me in the darkness.

I twitch my nose and tighten my eyes closed a little more, wanting to avoid consciousness that little bit longer.

“There we are,” the voice says again, now I can make out that it is male. “It’s Dr Wan, Katniss, just open your eyes for me.” He sounds surprisingly gentle, completely opposite from the professional man I met earlier.

I open my eyes just a little. The bright light stings and blinds me momentarily. I groan too, especially when he shines his torch in my eyes.

“You’re out of surgery now. You’ve been here in the recovery ward for the morning and we’ll get you moved again soon.”

What I’m being told confuses me, I can’t even remember going into surgery, just that I was going to be having it.

“I- what did you do? What happened, I don’t remember anything …” I trail off a little and my vision becomes much clearer. Dr Wan looks tired and is standing by my bed with my chart in his hand. He takes a breath.

“Your monitors started alarming just after Dr Steppe stopped by last night. Your friend said you’d fallen asleep, but you’d passed out. Your appendix ruptured and the baby went into stress. We took you to surgery right away.”

I think of the baby again – I can feel something on my abdomen … on my skin, it’s pulling tight, but it doesn’t feel right. I go to slowly touch it over the blanket and find it painful and swollen, but definitely not the size I remember my belly having been.

“Where’s my baby?” I demand, “I’m not pregnant any more, where’s the baby!” The monitors indicate my panic, but Dr Wan does nothing to relax me.

“We delivered your baby when you were in surgery – your appendix rupturing initiated preterm labour, we did try and give you the medication and treatment to stop it, but your body wasn’t handling them well. We got the baby out at a safe point before it got worse for either of you.”

I nod a little at his overwhelming words.

“Katniss, you have a daughter, congratulations.” He adds sincerely, and I calm only a little. I know this isn’t a point to relax completely though. She could have been infected from my sudden illness, and she’s early – 12 weeks early, there are so many things which could be wrong.

“I’m not a neonatologist, but I can say she has a long way to go, lots of developing and getting better, but right now, she’s alive. Your friend’s in with her, said she tried to ring father but hasn’t had a response.”

“Thank you,” I manage to whisper. My head is all over the place, my emotions are so confused. This is a lot to process. But I’m not able to think anymore because a nurse has bustled in with a tray.

“Just keeping you up with your pain medication, dear. Later on I’ll see about getting that catheter out, you have to be able to be mobile by yourself to go and see your little one!” She smiles softly, and I nod, taking the cup of water from her. The catheter is new information to me, I haven’t really considered what I’m feeling below the waist.

 

 

The door hasn’t even been closed a few minutes when there’s a knock. I can’t even have a moment to think anything through.

“Come in” I call a little hoarsely.

The door opens slowly and Madge pops her head in, “Hey,” she starts quietly, “ _mommy_!”

I give a weak smile back to her.

“She’s so pretty, and she looks just like you.”

Now that she’s closer I can see Madge’s eyes are a little red, she’s been crying. I feel a lump form in my throat, a wave of emotions on the brink of crashing down.

“Madge …”

And it falls. I sob, and inhumane noises come from my throat. I feel myself be gently, but quickly, pulled into warm comforting arms. Madge shushes into my hair, stroking her hand down the back of my head and onto my shoulder blades where she rubs circles in. I grip my arms around her back and cry into her neck, ignoring the slight pain radiating from my abdomen. I think this lasts for hours.

 

~~~

 

“I did try to call Gale, on both our cell’s and the hospital line. Then I tried his mother’s but she must have been out, I didn’t leave a message.”

“It’s fine, I’ll try tomorrow.”

She nods, I doubt she’s convinced.

“He should know he has a daughter, even if he doesn’t care.” It’s my turn to nod, and neither of us say any more.

 

~~~

 

“Now, it may only be 5 or 6 steps away, but take it easy, getting to the bathroom is a big step after your surgery!”

This nurse is too cheery. My mood has soured back to its normal, almost pre-pregnancy, level and I feel like I might strangle her.

She helps me stand as I feel the blood drain back into my legs and get flowing to my muscles again.

“I don’t want to get to the bathroom, I just want to go and see my daughter now.”

Her expression becomes more sympathetic, “I know, darlin’, you get to the bathroom now and we’ll be along with a wheelchair for you in no time. The NICU is a little far for you to walk right now.”

I sigh an _okay_ , and put a little effort into doing as she says. And then she cheers when I make it to the bathroom doorway.

 

~~~

 

“One wheelchair for Everdeen!” Madge jokes in the hallway mid-afternoon, arriving with a chair for me. I’m still on the bed, I need to get to the chair and make an effort getting around myself so I can get to my daughter. Since my uncontrollable sobbing, my head seems to have screwed on a little straighter and I can see clearer, which pleases me. Although it does worry me that this has all happened in such a short period of time.

It’s a little further to the hall than the bathroom, but I make the short distance eventually and ease down into the chair. Madge hands me the “Parent” pass for the NICU and we head off down the corridor where my little ones doctor is supposed to meet me.

 

 

We reach the NICU doors and I swipe the pass over a wall panel. It flashes green, allowing us entry. Madge has been here already, so expertly wheels me across to the nurses station and speaks to a nurse who recognises her.

Moments later an elderly female doctor comes towards us.

“Hi, you must be Katniss? I’m Mags, your daughter’s doctor.”

“Yes, hello, it’s nice to meet you,” I say politely.

“Right, well let’s get on through to see her. All the room details are on that parent card you’ve got there, so you won’t get lost in here,” she rattles off, taking us along a few corridors and making a couple of turns. She continues, “and you scan that to get into the room again.”

She stops outside ‘Ward 12’ and uses her own staff card to let us in. Again, Madge has been here before and pushes the wheelchair to the sink area so we can wash our hands.

My eyes are everywhere and taking everything in. Madge heads across the room towards my daughter. Before we get to her incubator I see two others are occupied as well, although there are no other parents or families in the room currently.

 

The incubator is covered, it’s a yellow knitted blanket and I recognise it. I turn to Madge, my mouth open, about to ask, but she beats me to it.

“When you were in surgery I went back to your apartment and got a few things for both of you, I just had a feeling they’d be needed.”

“Thanks” I whisper, reaching out to rub the corner between my fingers before pulling it back off of the incubator.

My breath catches and I think my heart has stopped beating as I see her for the first time.

I’m struggling to process what my eyes are taking in. There’s a mass of wires and tubes feeding into the baby’s body from all sides of the bedding, and there’s some sort of rolled cushion around the baby. _My baby_. It’s presumably trying to support her body. She’s so small, so tiny. She’s lying on her back and her legs have curled up slightly against her abdomen – this must be how she was tucked inside of me.

I look more closely at her skin and notice how red and thin it looks. I can just make out the lines of her blood vessels.

Her head is covered in a hat which is too large and comes down covering her eyes, although they’re shut. There’s a large tube going into either her mouth or nose – I can’t tell because of the tape holding all the equipment in place.

I finally let out a gasp of air and my body moves backwards a little. Madge stabilises me with a hand on my back, and I close my eyes hoping that everything will change when I open them again. It doesn’t, and I feel let down by myself, suddenly upset that I am the one that caused this. I couldn’t keep her safe.

“Have a seat Katniss,” Mags suggests, “I’ll talk through some things with you, when you’re ready, ok?”

I do as she says, but keep my focus on the baby. I easily see her ribs through her skin when she takes a breath. Or when the machine did, I’m not sure. But it looks like her skin could rip with any little movement.

From the corner of my eye I see Madge leave. She’s giving me a private moment, but I don’t know if I want one.

 

 

“Can the blanket go inside, to comfort her?” I ask quietly as Mags steps closer to me.

She nods, “I’ll get one of the nurses to sort it next time they’re inside.” Her words support me, give me some sort of indication that I have a role in my daughter’s care.

“Do you have a name picked out for her?” Mags asks when she draws up a chair next to me.

“No” I tell her. Choosing a name hadn’t crossed my mind at all during my pregnancy. I guess I just thought Gale would suggest something eventually and that would be it.

“That’s ok, you can take your time and find something that suits her. Then we can get her birth registered. Your social worker will help you with that.”

I look to her, confused for a moment. “Social worker? Why do I need one of those?”

She explains that it’s not a ‘social worker to take the baby into better hands’ situation, it’s to help with understanding of what is happening and to help while we’re in the NICU and with things which may crop up in our lives. I hadn’t thought about that. Life outside here is stopping for all I’m concerned.

“Miss Effie is great, she’s been working here with us for many years. She really will help you, Katniss,” Mags tells me.

 

We finally get onto the baby.

“She weighs 1 pound and 8 ounces, and is 12 inches long. It’s an ok size for her age.”

I struggle to see what is ‘ok’ about it, she still has months of development to go, and I can’t even begin to think what might _not_ have developed yet and what problems she’ll have.

“She was breathing a little for herself when she was born, which is a good sign. But coming out so swiftly was a bit of a shock for her. Her lungs aren’t fully developed yet, they still need another 4 or 5 weeks to be where they should. So she’s intubated to help with her breathing.”

“Is it helping? I mean, is it _just_ helping, or is it doing the breathing for her?”

“Helping,” Mags confirms quickly, “she’s a strong little thing and was trying her very best on her own. Without it, it can be a lot of strain for the rest of her organs, especially her heart.”

I nod, accepting that.

“Are you ok?” she asks next, “this is a lot for new parents to take in. Are you sure you don’t want your partner here?”

I try to come up with an answer.

“He left, a few months ago. He decided he didn’t want the baby all that much anymore,” I pause, “Madge has tried to call him while I’ve been in here, but … nothing. He should know, though. And as much as I don’t like him right now, she’s his daughter as well.”

Mags looks at me with sympathy, “You’re right, he should know and be here,” she pauses for a minute, “if you let me know his number I can try and give him a call.”

“Thank you” I whisper.

“Your friend can come back in if you’d like, having a support system is important.”

But I shake my head at her, I need to be independent and do things on my own. I am a parent now, and it’s just the two of us.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this next chapter of Katniss' journey, your comments and kudos' are, and have been, much appreciated!
> 
> Just with my work schedule and free-time right now, weekly updates seem to work best for me to make sure I have good time to check over the chapters before publishing, hope this remains ok with the readers^
> 
> Have a great weekend =)


	5. Chapter 4 - Everyone wants the odds to be in your favour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss experiences Ruby's early days in the NICU while increasing her support network.

 

I’m exhausted. I think every medical word that has ever been invented was just tossed around in conversation about my baby. I don’t think I even understand some of it, but that’s what Effie, our social worker, is for. I’ll be meeting her first thing in the morning.

I ask Mags if I can stay in the NICU.

‘ _You can_ ,’ she had said, ‘ _but you need to look after yourself too, you’ve had a major surgery._ ’

My daughter has remained stable on all of her monitors in the time I’ve spent here, which reassures me just a little. So I reluctantly listen to Mags and go back to my room accompanied by an orderly pushing my wheelchair. I remind myself to practice walking more.

 

I check the clock on the bedside table as I ease myself into bed, it’s almost midnight. So much has happened since this time yesterday … my baby is in the world, and she’s a day old. It’s not sticking in my head that I’m a mother now. I don’t feel like one.

I push the saddening thought to the back of my mind and lay down to try to get some sleep.

_“My girls!” Dad exclaims into the living room, he’s home early from work and both Prim and I leap up from our board game and run to his arms. It’s a treat for him to be home this much time before dinner, I hope there’s enough time to go outside and show him how much I’ve been practicing with my bow._

_He lifts us up, one in each arm, and lets out a large groan._

_“Urgh, what are you two eating, I can barely keep a hold on you!”_

_Prim giggles into his shoulder, smiling more widely than she has all day. He carries us into the kitchen where mom is sitting at the table, she kisses him on the cheek._

_“I have some good news, I got a promotion at work, it’s not much, but every little helps. And I wanted to get you something, to thank you for parenting our flowers on your own for a while.” That’s what he calls me and Prim, ‘his flowers’, and we love it, it’s special._

_He puts us down and we wait patiently to see what he has brought home for our mother. From his coat pocket he pulls a small box. He opens it in front of our mother and waits for her thought._

_“Oh, it’s so beautiful!” she gasps, holding up a necklace with a small jewel on it. It’s a deep red colour and a little light glints off of it._

_“What is it daddy?” Prim asks, moving onto her tip toes to see closer. Mom sits down and pulls Prim onto her lap, holding the necklace right at her eyelevel._

_“It’s a gemstone, a ruby. It’s the birthstone for July, when your mama was born, isn’t that precious?” Dad tells us with joy in his tone._

_Both Prim and I are entranced and nod along with his words. Then daddy helps her put it on and settles it around her neck, sealing the deal with a kiss on the lips._

_Prim giggles and then-_

_All I can see is smoke and flames, the fire killing my daddy not all that long after he gives my mother the necklace. My twelve year old self chokes-_

 

 

The bed shakes with my coughs as I come out of the dream, which ends as a nightmare. I haven’t had anything like that in a very long time. I struggle to catch my breath again, and hastily reach to the side table to get a cup of water. I move too quickly, forgetting about the stiches in my abdomen. I mustn’t have had any medication in a while. I cry out in pain amongst the coughs and somehow manage to spill the glass of water when a night nurse comes rushing in to help. Before I know it my eyes are drooping into sleep again.

 

When I wake with the early sunrise my mind feels a little clearer despite my body feeling heavy and full of aches.

I have decided on what my daughter’s name will be, and it’s pleasing that I know I can complete registering her birth with Effie when I meet her.

 

Madge arrives just after the nurses bring me a selection of medications that they make me take with water. She can’t stay all day, she has work. But she wants to see how yesterday went – I just shrug, not knowing how to explain it. I can, however, confirm the lack of Gale so far. As much as I hate him, I loved my father, my dream only reminds me of that, and I want my little Ruby to know hers.

The name Ruby didn’t dawn on me until I realised that she had been born on the 31st of July. She has the same birthday as my mom, and I remember loving that ruby birthstone necklace so much – everyone in my family had loved it. The name seems a perfect fit.

 

I decide to try and call Gale again before heading down to the NICU. I know it’s early, so I’m happier leaving a message rather than speaking to him.

“Hi Gale, it’s me.” I sigh, “Listen, I’m not mad or angry anymore, it’s fine, I just needed to call, I wanted to let you know that I had our baby, she’s early and so small and … I’m worried.” I take a breath. “I just want you to meet her. I’ll see, erm, hopefully see you soon, bye.”

It’s not the best way to tell him that he has a daughter, I’m sure, but at least now he knows. He has the information, it’s his choice whether to act on it. I hope he can put his hot-head aside for once and this time to think of Ruby and not himself.

 

~~~

 

Effie meets me shortly after I arrive in the NICU. She’s very overdressed for her job, especially with those ridiculous heels. They ‘clack clack clack’ along the floor, I can hear her coming a mile away.

“Hello darling!” she says, bending down to greet me with a kiss on each cheek. She sits carefully next to me and looks over into the incubator, “Now, who do we have here? Dr Mags said you didn’t have a name yet, any ideas for this lovely little girl?”

While I was gone the nurses put the yellow knitted blanket made by ‘Nana Hawthorne’ (her own suggestion, not mine) into the incubator for Ruby, and it’s now covered by another which I assume is one of their own.

I nod to her question, “Ruby” I tell her quietly.

“Oh, now that _is_ a beautiful name, little Ruby,” she marvels and then reaches into her bag, “so we can work out this registration of birth then?”

I fill in my own details, and Effie takes some of Ruby’s information from the folder of charts tucked under the incubator. It comes to the father’s information and I don’t know what to do. I suck on my lips as the pen hovers, with Gale’s name at the nib, above the box entitled ‘Name of father’.

Effie must see my debate and gently pats my knee, “It’s none of my business, but if you know her father then put down what you can-”

“No, I know him, he just … doesn’t care. He left me when I was still pregnant but he hasn’t answered any calls now. I want him to see her, but he’s not acting like a father.”

Effie doesn’t say anything.

“I feel guilt over not putting his name down just because I have the choice …” I trail off. Setting the forms aside, I decide I can make the decision later. I plan to let Effie get on with the rest of her job, but she seems to maintain a focus on Gale.

“You and her father, did you know each other long?”

“Yeah,” I start, “Gale and I have been friends for years, both our dads died quite close to each other, I guess we bonded over that. We didn’t really get together until later though. He’s a few years older, but he looked after me when I was going through a lot with my family. He stood by me through my worst years. I guess after getting pregnant it became one of _his_ worst years.” I tell her glumly, and look down at my lap.

“I’m sorry about your father, I can see why it would be important that you want Ruby to know hers. Do you have any other family or close relatives?”

I know she doesn’t mean to bring up a sore point, but I can’t help the stinging that forms in my eyes. The hormones clearly don’t help either. I let my head shake before replying quietly.

“My mom died when I was 15. My sister died my senior year of high school. I don’t have any grandparents, and there were never any mention of aunts or uncles,” I shrug, “so it’s just me.”

Effie looks stricken with worry and sadness at the thought of my being totally alone.

“Sweetheart,” she places her hand on my shoulder, “this will be a trialling time for you, a support system for _you_ is as important as one for your baby.” She gets up from her chair and attempts to give me a comforting hug, while avoiding my abdominal stitches.

 

After that she moves on fairly quickly, apologising for any pain or memories she brought to the surface when I was already in ‘ _such a vulnerable state_ ’. She asks about the pregnancy itself, which was in no way unusual, I thought, and if I had been pregnant before or had any fertility problems. Some of her questions seem odd and not quite right, but I suppose she has a list of essential things to understand about me.

 

Then we start talking about Ruby.

“You’ve spoken to Dr Mags about her?” I nod. “And how did you find that? A little overwhelming, perhaps? Or maybe confusing? Some new parents don’t even know where to begin with a healthy, full term baby, so hearing all of these medical terms that come with the worry of a little preemie can be very hard to process or understand.”

“It was quite a lot to take in, I suppose … I mean, she never actually said if Ruby would be ok? I think that’s all I want to hear an answer to.”

Effie has a look of understanding.

“Ok, that’s a good place to start. There are quite a few things which aren’t quite right with Ruby, alright? And all of these things are quite normal for a baby born at her age, for example, baby’s lungs don’t develop for quite a little while longer than Ruby got in the womb, and she struggles to manage her own body temperature because of her age, size and because she has very thin skin, so she loses heat quickly.

These things are seen quite frequently here in the NICU, so the doctors and nurses are well equipped to handle these, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be a few pitfalls on the way. Babies this early can sometimes be a little unpredictable, which is why we can’t give you the yes or no answer that you’re looking for. But everyone is _trying_ for her, everyone wants the odds to be in your favour.”

I listen to her and soak in her words. They’re more plain and simple than when coming from a doctor. I think it works for me.

We talk a little longer about Ruby’s health, and although it doesn’t put my mind at ease, it certainly keeps my mind in a more stable state and I feel a little more content with what I’m being told.

 

A few hours later and Effie is preparing to leave me. She asks if I need help with anything - “ _absolutely anything, anything at all, you name it!_ ” – with a gleam on her face.

“Actually, what about work? How can I sort out maternity leave or a leave of … whatever, or quit or something?”

She stops what she’s doing and sits again, “Do you want to quit your job?” she asks sincerely.

“Well, not really, but I’ll be here for the long run. They won’t want to keep me if I take lots of time off.” Logical thought appears in my mind for a split second though, “I guess I can’t quit, how else am I going to afford all of this?”

The finances haven’t really sunk in. The pain meds are keeping me from complete reality. I’m far from well-off, and certainly without Gale’s help a baby and all of these hospital bills won’t be cheap.

“These are most definitely things I can help you with, Katniss!” She exclaims fairly happily, clearly enjoying this, and pulls more papers from her bag. This must be Effie’s favourite part of her job.

 

 

It’s tiring working through pamphlets with Effie and filling in financial aid and leave of absence from work forms, but the fact that I can do it right next to Ruby makes the chore a little easier. Effie really does help, she makes single-parenting a premature baby sound reasonably doable in terms of money and work. This is the first time I feel that way, and it’s pleasing – I’m starting to feel more like a parent.

Effie’s only gone a few hours when Madge arrives after work.

“Ruby” Madge states as she gets closer to the incubator and can see the little name tag that Ruby’s NICU nurse, Tilly, made. She’s gone all out with colouring it in and sticking on a few stickers, she is just like Prim.

“How have you both been today, then?” she asks, sitting beside me.

“Alright, actually. I filled in a lot of forms, and registered her birth – it just sets it in stone I guess, it was weird writing my own name next to ‘Mother’. And _Ruby_ ,” I emphasise her name, smiling over at her, “has been okay too, although the nurse said her temperature was a bit high. She’s cooled down now though. And they moved the blanket inside.” I point to the yellow blanket Ruby’s nestled in.

“I like Ruby, it’s a good name. She looks like a Ruby.”

She pauses for a minute then continues, “Finnick called me, to see how you were. I didn’t tell him anything, just that you’d had surgery. I said I would see if you could call him, I really think you should, he could be a great friend I think.”

I listen to her, and agree to call him later back in my room once I remember the tired and stressed look on his face when I saw him last a few days ago.

I tell her more about Effie and what we spoke about, and it’s nearing ten o’clock when one of Ruby’s monitors starts frantically beeping. I leap from my chair in shock, my heart racing. This is the first time that this has happened.

Tilly breezes over and analyses the numbers on the monitor.

“I’m just going to give Ruby girl here some more fluids, and then I’ll call Mags down to have a quick look, okay? Katniss?” she rests her hand on my arm and I jump. I don’t know whether to nod or shake my head, I just want to know what’s going on.

Madge holds her arm around my shoulder to steady me, “It’ll be fine, it’s just a teething problem, she’ll be alright.” Her confidence in her statement doesn’t sound great, but I try to tell myself she’s right.

“I wish I could do something, I feel useless! I haven’t even touched her, I can’t comfort her or make sure she knows I’m here.”

“Talk to her Katniss, she’ll be able to hear you.” Mags’ voice comes across the room from the doorway. “Some babies like singing, let’s try that out?”

My throat constricts. I haven’t let myself sing in a very long time, I don’t know if I can. Mags has already started humming a nursery rhyme though, the guilt that I can’t make myself join consumes me.

While humming, Mags gets on with her checks on Ruby. She prints a chart from one of the machines and looks it over before checking the charts from the rest of the day.

“She’s spiking a bit of a fever,” she holds up the chart of temperature readings from the last five or six hours, “this-” she draws a line through the middle, “-is where we want her to be around.” I see most of the recent readings are well above that line.

“What does it mean?” I ask tentatively.

“Well, she could just be trying to manage her own temperature. Her incubator is heated, and it might be overheating her. I’ll turn it down a little, but I’m more worried about her having an infection. I’ll take a blood sample and get that sent off to be tested.”

It doesn’t reassure me. I don’t know what sort of infection she means, or what the consequences could be. And how would she get an infection in the first place?

As I watch Ruby more I see her making more small movements, almost kicking her legs. It worries me that she’s distressed and wants to be soothed. Thinking about life from her perspective scares me. It must be horrible being tugged from a warm womb and then put straight into a plastic box in a room with all sorts of noises and lights – it brings tears to my eyes, and I have a sudden urge to pull open the incubator and tuck her into my arms. Luckily, sense takes over and I try to wipe the tears before anyone notices.

“It’s ok to be upset and anxious,” Madge has taken a step back and Nurse Tilly has come to my side. “I don’t think Mags will mind if I let you have just a few moments-” she stops talking and opens the two hand holes in the incubator side.

Once again, my heart races. She places her hands at either end of Ruby and gently touches down, so Ruby can feel her presence, “Just like that, she’ll feel you there. And you can talk to her, remind her who you are.”

Slowly my hands replace Tilly’s over Ruby. They’re shaking until they feel the tiny baby beneath them. I feel her heat and it amazes me, especially seeing as she’s so small.

It also gives me a clearer idea of her size – I can see how close my hands are when touching either end of her, she’s smaller than I keep picturing in my head. I speak quietly to her, and tell her that I’m mommy.

When I start to feel overwhelming emotions fall over me, I draw my hands back steadily, but find myself smiling a little.

“Thank you” I say to Tilly with gratitude, she nods and takes a vial of blood from Ruby to send off for testing before closing the incubator.

I look to my hands as I sit, amazement floods over me at the idea of them having just touched my baby who should still be within my body.

 

Mags returns a little later, I look up but she shakes her head.

“No results yet, but I’ll stay around until they’re done. You should take a breather, you’ve been here all day. You have to look after yourself too. I know you haven’t been staying on top of your own medications …” she adds the last part with a tone of superiority.

She is right, I haven’t, but I don’t matter right now. I don’t move from my chair. Madge nudges me in encouragement. It’s after 11 now, and I reluctantly agree to leave after instructing Mags and Tilly to call me if _anything_ happens, and that I will be back early in the morning. Madge also manages to get me into a wheelchair to go back to my room, and I’m bitter that I have to keep up with medication so that I won’t feel this abdominal pain.

I apologise to Madge before she leaves, she’s stayed here the whole night and she has work tomorrow. She brushes me off as she tucks me into the bed with a cheeky smile on her face.

I fall asleep quickly, and the first nurse coming in in the morning wakes me after what feels like a very short time. I can’t shake myself awake and I fall asleep again. When I do wake fully I find a nurse with a paper cup of pills and a tray of breakfast. I’m glad it’s not too late in the morning, and I’m also glad that I haven’t heard a word from the NICU. I hope this means it’s been a good night.

 

Before I head down to the NICU I call Finnick, hoping he’s taken over my role at the centre and will be in my office.

“Yep?” he answers quickly.

“Hi.” I say, “It’s Katniss.”

He doesn’t say anything at first, probably shocked that I did actually call.

“Oh, Katniss! How are you doing?”

“I’m alright, kind of, I guess. Madge told you I had surgery, that went … fine, I haven’t really dwelled on it much. But,” I pause, deciding how to continue, “they had to deliver the baby,” I say quietly, then add “I have a girl.”

“Oh” he’s quiet now, and I can tell the cogs are turning, trying to figure out what to say next. “Congratulations, how … how is she?”

“She’s ok, ok for her age, but there’s a long way to go. I got to touch her for the first time – she’s so small Finnick … I called her Ruby.” I lament a little, “Gale hasn’t shown up, we’ve called, I left a message, but nothing. My focus is on Ruby now though.”

It’s a good feeling clearing my mind and telling someone else about what is going on. And thinking about Gale, I’m right when I told Finnick that my focus is only on Ruby. I’ve made effort on my part, while he makes his own decisions. It makes me wonder, if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, what would come of our relationship. I try not to dwell too much on that.

“Such a pretty name for who I’m sure is a pretty girl.”

We talk a little longer, but discussing Ruby makes me want to be with her more, so I politely end the call and take a very slow walk to the NICU on my own.

 

I’m more anxious as I get closer to the NICU and scan my pass to get in to see Ruby. There’s a different nurse standing at the incubator this morning, I assume Tilly’s shift has ended.

“Hi,” she says softly, “I’m Leevy, I’m on Ruby’s care until Tilly’s next shift.”

I greet her and she turns back to Ruby, “See sweetheart, look your mama’s here!

Tilly sat with her for most of the night, her temperature stayed quite high. She had more blood taken, but there were some delays at the labs. The results should be back pretty soon.”

I sit and pull the chair close to the incubator.

“Now we’re onto day 3, we want to start thinking about feeding her with your milk,” Nurse Leevy saying this comes as a surprise. This hasn’t been mentioned before, in fact it hasn’t crossed my mind.

“It can help Ruby a lot, because your milk contains all the good stuff that she needs. The feeding tube she has just now is fine, but little preemies like Ruby really benefit from mommy’s milk! Have you thought about it?” She goes on more tentatively, “Has your milk come in yet?”

I shake my head, my breasts feel tenderer but I haven’t paid it much attention over the last few days. I’ve got other things to concentrate on.

“The lactation specialist might pop by to see you soon, she can help you work on getting a good supply and getting started with pumping the milk.”

I just agree to what she is saying, it’s not going in while my full focus is on Ruby.

Leevy opens the incubator up and goes to the diaper to check it, it must be fine because she just does it back up again before giving me a small smile and heading away from our NICU bay.

“Hi baby,” I whisper, leaning in towards her head, “how are you doing?”

Her monitors keep on their steady beating and the numbers seem to keep stable.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long one this time, and a week seems quite long between updates - so thank you for keeping reading^ And thank you to those who have commented and kudos'd so far =)
> 
> This chapter definitely seems to hold some major developments for Katniss and I hope you still enjoy reading her progress in this story!  
> I'll reiterate that I'm not a medical professional, so there are some liberties taken where the field is concerned.
> 
>  
> 
> K x


	6. Chapter 5 - I just need 5 more minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next step in Katniss and Ruby's journey at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick starting note with a warning of the chapter content, and the 'character death' tag is introduced for this one - please read at your own discretion.

 

Madge comes by again and I realise it’s the evening. I relax into a small smile when I see her.

“I brought you some dinner, it’s in your room.”

“Thanks, I guess I lost track of time. I’ve been here all day.”

“How’s it going?” Madge asks.

“Her temperature has been-” But Madge puts up a hand to stop me.

“Katniss, how are _you_ , how are _you_ getting on?”

“I don’t matter” I say tiredly, I don’t understand why people have a focus on me when Ruby’s the one who needs the help.

Madge sighs, but before she can say anything the beeping of machines becomes more prominent and we snap our heads towards the monitors. Numbers are dropping.

The door slides open quickly and nurse Tilly rushes in, she must be back on shift.

“What’s going on Ruby girl?” she says to the baby while she checks the monitors. Then she checks over Ruby, gently going over her body.

Madge’s arm is around my shoulder and I realise I’m shaking.

Suddenly I can’t handle this. My breathing is erratic and I shrug out of Madge’s hold, rushing away from the room and out of the NICU as fast as I can. The tears come quickly as I move through the hospital. I feel some cramps and an abdominal pain arises at the same time.

Somehow I’m near my own room. I make it inside and ease my way over into the bathroom. I lean on the sink and look up at the mirror – the first time I’ve looked at myself since before I came into the hospital.

I conclude that I look terrible. My stomach drops when I glance down and see blood on the front of my pyjama pants. I pull them down and find my underwear saturated, it’s like a heavy period. I don’t know what to do.

I think I stand and look down at myself for a while before I move carefully into my room in the soiled garments and pull fresh clothing from the set of drawers where all of my things are kept. Back in the bathroom I strip, place my clothing in the sink and turn on the shower, letting the water run over my body. I ignore the bandages wrapped over my abdomen. I even wash my hair, which surprisingly makes me feel a little more human.

The water runs red with my blood, so I avoid looking down as I stand under the warmth. It has helped me relax some, and I almost feel ready to face the world again. I just needed the 5 minutes.

 

There’s a knock on the door before I convince myself to turn off the water.

“Katniss? It’s the nurse, can I come in?”

I don’t care what I look like, or that she’ll see me naked, “Yeah” I say, my voice not sounding like my own.

She opens the door and steps in, closing it behind her.

“Just- I just need 5 more minutes, honestly!” I’m pleading with her like she’ll think I’m crazy that I ran away from my sick baby.

“That’s ok” she says slowly, looking into the sink at the bloodied clothing. “I’m Nurse Seeder, your friend was worried about you.”

“I started to bleed, I felt some cramps. I didn’t know what to do.” I’m avoiding her actual question.

“It happens to everyone after they have a baby, it’s normal.” She reassures me. She pulls sanitary supplies out from the cabinet under the sink and leaves them on the unit for me.

“I’ll have to take a look at those bandages though, ok? You finish up and get dried and then I can sort them out.”

She leaves me alone after asking if I want my friend to come in – I don’t. I don’t want Madge to see me like this.

I rub the towel over my body then dress in my clean clothing, feeling marginally better. I step out and do as Nurse Seeder says so she can remove the damp dressings and take a look at the incisions. I don’t let her show me before she bandages them again, and then she gives me more pain relief. Madge comes into the room afterwards.

“It’s ok Katniss-”

“No it’s not!” I raise my voice, “I just left her there, dying! Just because I couldn’t handle watching for one second, it’s not ok!”

Madge reassures some more, I shout some more. It ends with us both in tears in each other’s arms.

“Ruby is stabilised, she’s not dying right this second.” I nod at her, silently wondering how long it took to get her vitals back to alright levels.

“I think Dr Mags will come and see you about it.” I just nod again, unsure if I want to hear what anyone will say. I suddenly find myself siding with some of the slightly unstable mothers who steal away from hospitals with their fragile newborn babies.

 

“Please don’t be angry with me,” she starts a short while later, “but I moved your stuff, and the baby stuff, from your apartment into my house. I told you you’re coming home with me, and I mean it.”

I pause, for once thinking before speaking.

“Thank you, I don’t think I want to be there alone, not with all of my memories with Gale …” I haven’t brought him up in a while. I also haven’t thought about what I would do once I was discharged – I know I’ll be cleared out before Ruby, but I haven’t thought realistically about it.

Madge chats away about sorting the upstairs bedroom for me and she’s put the flat-pack nursery furniture in there so we can ‘do all the fun stuff’, which seems to include building it ourselves. She’s cheering me up and taking my mind away for the moment of recuperation I need.

 

 Dr Mags comes into the room late, and I sit up, alert, from the bed.

“She’s contracted an infection, which looks to be in her intestines. There’s a specialist coming along first thing tomorrow. He will find the best route of care for Ruby.”

I take in her words. “How did she get it? She’s been in the NICU the whole time she’s been outside of my belly…”

She sits down to talk to me.

“Being born so early has meant that a lot of her organs haven’t fully developed yet. She’s been taking milk supplements through a feeding tube, but because her gut hasn’t had time to fully mature, it’s struggling to deal with the nutrients and all the things that Ruby needs to grow.

We’ve changed how she gets the nutrients, so she’s still getting everything she needs but it just doesn’t go through her gut where there wasn’t a good reaction. She’s on antibiotics right now, and she can stay on those until she sees the specialist tomorrow. He might want to run some tests and will most likely want to do an x-ray.”

I breathe in and out slowly, listening to Mags.

“This is like, _real_ serious, isn’t it? Not just like, she needs the time to grow and she’s just on a ventilator and in the incubator to help with that…”

Mags looks solemn, Madge is looking at her hands in her lap. I don’t know where to turn.

“It _is_ serious, Katniss. But things could go well for her, you need to think positively.”

She leaves me with a lot of thinking to do, but I feel like I should spend the night in the NICU. I send Madge home and head there right away, worrying about what I might find.

 

 

She does alright overnight. I sit and watch her every minute, I’m exhausted but it’s worth it. Now I’m just trying to keep alert until the specialist arrives.

 

It’s still early in the day when Dr Beetee introduces himself as a paediatric surgeon. I make the effort to shake his hand and then make an, albeit poor, attempt to fix my somewhat bedraggled appearance in front the very sharp and clean man.

He performs his own examination of Ruby and thoroughly checks over all the notes.

“The antibiotics are good for her right now, but I’d like to order x-ray to take a better look, is that ok?”

I readily agree. I’m not in a place to tell a medical professional no. He gives a small but kind smile and sets about his work.

 

~~~

 

“It’s called necrotising enterocolitis.”

The words shock me, and I don’t know what they mean either. I gulp, trying to ask what about it and what it means for Ruby.

Dr Beetee sits down at my side and takes off his glasses.

“Part of Ruby’s bowel is dying. It started showing with the bloated belly that she had, and then she showed an inflammatory response through her fever and not giving any wet diapers. It’s affected her blood pressure too, but in the opposite way that your pre-eclampsia did for you, Ruby’s is too low.”

My eyes burn, part of her is dying. Her insides are _dying_.

“The x-ray has confirmed it. Unfortunately, it also confirmed that it’s in over 3/4ths of her bowel.”

He has the films in his hand, probably ready to show me.

But I crumple forward, burying my face in my lap to hide the ugly crying that escapes me. I ignore the dull ache from my abdomen and let the sharp stabbing pains in my heart take over my whole body.

 

A hand materialises on my back, rubbing in a soothing circular motion. The rest of the hours in the day pass in a blur, and soon I’m being put to bed in the evening by the kindly Nurse Seeder who slips me a sedative to help me sleep.

 

~~~

 

And that’s it. There’s no getting better for her. It’s the whole length of intestine, and the antibiotics have now stopped working for some reason.

She’s regressing and the ventilator is doing all the work. She’s not heading in the right direction, and I can’t decide if that’s something I’m accepting or not. She’s not even a week old.  


"We're keeping her as comfortable as we can." Tilly says the morning after it’s confirmed that something good isn’t going on. She is just about to leave her post when I arrive before the morning rounds to sit with Ruby.  


I gulp, "She can still feel pain though? That's not fair on her…" I drift off, my hands pressing against the incubator sides. I can't tear my eyes from her tiny delicate features, I never knew I could love someone this much.  


"Katniss, she's _your_ baby, it's up to you to decide what is best for her, for your family. But no matter what Ruby _will always be your daughter_."  


I nod to what she's saying, and I understand it. I don't want to let her go, I want her here with me. However I couldn't keep her safe, just like I couldn't with Prim, so maybe she's no better with me at all.

Tilly opens the incubator side for me to put my hands in again. It both provides comfort and makes my heart ache.  


  
  
It’s early morning on day 8 of Ruby’s life.  
  
"If I choose to ... to stop ... to stop this, it's on my terms?" I say suddenly to whichever nurse is in the room. She nods in response.  
"Tomorrow, then" I state.  


  
I don’t leave. I sit during the day and then overnight with my hand resting on her socked feet. I haven’t even cradled her or felt her weight.

Effie comes to speak to me about the decision in the afternoon, she has a few appointments set up for me for afterwards, _to help_ , she says. She also tells me that she can come to see me in a few days, that she provides help as well, making arrangements. I numbly nod.

Finally she gives me her apologies and says goodbye to Ruby. I realise how hard her job must be, potentially seeing this everyday. Seeing it once is bad enough for me.

  
Madge arrives at 7 in the morning. _The_ morning. I asked her to be here, and she is Ruby’s honorary godmother. She rests her hands on my shoulders while I continue to stare into the incubator. I collapse a little with each breath that I take.  
"I can pray" Madge tells me quietly and I agree, despite neither of us being particularly religious.   
It's approaching the time that I gave to the staff for them to turn off the machines.   


 

9am speeds towards us all of a sudden, and Nurse Tilly comes into the room and washes her hands.

“Hi Katniss,” she says quietly, “hey little girl!” She turns and speaks to Ruby.

She’s my favourite nurse here, and she is what I know Prim would be like. She keeps talking to Ruby, it calms me and I find it’s what I want more than her talking to me and telling me the medical procedures in a robotic way.

“You’re gonna get your first cuddle with mommy very soon, Ruby! I know mommy is looking forward to that. And you can meet your Godmother, your Auntie Madge – we already talked about her, she was the first one to see you. You were just minutes old, can you believe that?”

She takes the yellow blanket from around Ruby, and Ruby’s little limbs move as if searching for her comforter. She passes me the blanket and I arrange it carefully in my arms, shaking as I do so.

My heart races as the side of the incubator is opened and a few of the wires and miscellaneous items are moved away from the sides and from Ruby.

I see my Ruby much more clearly than I have yet.

“So baby girl, I’ll put you in mommy’s arms so you can be safe and at home, and then we’ll let you have a nice rest – because you’ve worked so hard for such a long time! And someone so special and hard working needs a little break!”

I don’t know how she does it, how can this young woman handle this? My eyes blur from my tears, which I try to swipe away. My lip quivers and I bite on it to stop.

Now Ruby’s getting her first feel of the world outside of the incubator. It’s only a few seconds and then her weight is in my arms, and I freeze. She’s a tiny weight, much lighter than I’d imagined. And I don’t even think about what I’m doing, an instinct takes over.

“Can I … can I do that kangaroo thing?” I ask quietly. I’ve seen one of the other mothers doing that with their baby who is a few months older than Ruby.

There’s a nod and I ask Madge to pull the buttons of my shirt open. I don’t care that I’m not wearing anything underneath. I quickly pull Ruby into my body, and I feel both of us relaxing.

“Hi Ruby,” I smile down at her, “its mommy, I-” my heart clenches, “I really love you so much.”

I can feel her body moving with the effort of breathing. I really know it’s time.

I nod a few times, signalling that it’s ok to switch off the ventilator. We’ve spoken about this before, it might not happen right away, it could take a little while. I am preparing for the long run with her though.

The switch flicking off is so loud, the sound echoes in my ears and brings me crashing into the reality that my baby is going to die.

Then the tubes are removed, I see her beautiful features so well.

“Oh Ruby you’re so beautiful, the prettiest little girl I’ve seen, I don’t know who wouldn’t love you!” I say to her with astonishment. “You’ve done so well little girl,” I say to her finally.

And she _does_ do so well on her own, her lungs must be stronger than anyone had thought, and I’m so proud of her for that.

It takes 40 minutes for her breaths to get shallower. They begin to sound wispy and rasped. I rock her in my chair and hold her tight to my chest, whispering my love to her so quietly that only she can hear it.

 

 

I’m holding my breath when she takes her last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll start with apologising for this chapter, unfortunately it's something I saw happening in the story line when I first started putting pieces together in my head before anything even went down on paper.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading though and kudosing etc., plus to those who comment, especially honeylime and colleenegan25, I really do appreciate it! I still hope you'll read after this one, it's definitely not the end of the story^


	7. Chapter 6 - What I'll do next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss spends her first days without her daughter, trying to come to terms with so many things at the start of this next journey.

 

 

I rock Ruby in my arms for the longest time. I can feel my eyes start to droop, and sometimes I feel my muscles start to relax into sleep before I jolt myself back into some form of consciousness and tighten my arms around Ruby’s tiny body.

Madge rests her arm around my shoulder mid-afternoon; I’ve been here with Ruby since it happened. They said I could take as long as I wanted, and I’m doing that.

“Katniss,” she whispers, but I shake my head gently. I’m not ready yet.

“I shouldn’t have held her at all. I don’t want to let go now.” I reply quietly a little time later.

“You’ll just know.” She tells me, stepping back from my private bubble.

 

And I do. The evening draws on and it becomes night. I try to snuggle Ruby’s body closer to me, but I start to feel the cold rather than the warmth and security of life that I was looking for. The fact that she’s gone dawns on me more, and I feel numb because of it.

“That’s, ehm, that’s me. You can … can-” I trail off, trying to find a better say that they can take her away. I hold her little body carefully away from my own, wanting someone to take her. I just feel _done_.

They do take her. Madge helps me button up my top, which I’d forgotten about. Then Tilly comes back over quietly with a small bag.

“Her things,” she tells me, her hands resting on my own. “You’re welcome anytime, Katniss. You don’t need to be a stranger.” I’m not sure I can come back, so I look down away from her kind gaze.

Then I let Madge lead me away from here and back into my own hospital room, which I know will have to be vacated soon. My bill must be piling up, I have more things to think about now, and what’s best would be to move on.

But I don’t think I can.

 

 

‘Get some rest now’, ‘Look after yourself’, ‘It’ll be ok, get some sleep for the moment’. That’s what I’m being told. I’m not sure I want to sleep though. I’m lying in the bed, and Madge tucks the covers up over me then sits next to me smoothing my hair. In return, I avoid looking at her.

 

I can’t comprehend the passage of time, all that goes through my mind is ‘ _Ruby was here, then. Ruby is not here, now_ ’ and I can’t figure out where this has come from, or why I’m thinking like this. But it’s been a whole day since her last breath, I don’t understand where all that time has gone, it terrifies me for the future – so much time will pass so quickly without her.

 

Effie appears in the room at some point.

“Hello, Katniss”, her voice is soft and more subdued than I’ve heard it before. Her clothing choice is also less extravagant, I wonder if it’s due to the situation.

“It’s silly of me to ask,” she starts seriously and I wonder why she’s even bothering, “but how are you feeling today?”

She’s right, it is silly. I only shrug because I have no idea how I feel.

“You held Ruby for a long time yesterday. Did that help you understand and take in what has happened?”

“No.” I’m short with her, because how could anything _help me take this in_? I want to ask her to leave, but she’s clearly here for a purpose. I’d rather she got straight to it though.

“Would you like some help in getting to the bottom of your feelings? Talking to someone, a counsellor or a therapist can greatly help some women come to peace with what has happened to them.”

“No.” I snap at her again. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Effie doesn’t let this bother her, and gives me a very small smile. “That’s alright.” She’s completely unphased.

“I do just have one more thing, and I apologise for having to discuss this so soon. But it’s important to know how you’d like to proceed – do you want to have a funeral or a burial for Ruby? Or maybe you would prefer cremation-”

I stop listening at that point. I feel the vomit rising as I think about having my baby cremated, and I manage to lean over and grab a basin to throw up in. Effie rubs my back as I retch a few more times. Her voice and spiel continues as she does though, obviously to finish this conversation faster.

“We can organise it here at the hospital or you can do that yourself, whichever one you prefer. I can leave you some information.”

I drink some water and keep the cup at my lips taking small sips so I don’t have to say anything to her as she prepares to leave. She’s placed a small bundle of papers on the bedside table and says goodbye to me as she heads to the door.

“Thank you,” I manage to whisper to her.

 

 

Madge looks over the information with me, and all the other paperwork they’ve brought, namely the bills that need paying. Looking at the pricing breakdown makes me want to leave right now – hospitals are expensive, and they don’t seem to consider the fact that my baby has died either. Madge points out what the insurance will cover, but there’s still more to be paid.

When we move on to the costs for a burial for Ruby I quake as I know it’s not affordable. I excuse myself to cry in the bathroom.

For the first time in several days I finally think of Gale. I don’t miss him, I just miss that if he had been here he could have shared this with me – and he would have let us have the burial no matter the cost. We would have made it work. I’ll have to do that on my own now.

 

 

Madge is a guardian angel of sorts. She deals with the finance office with my insurance details and has set up a payment plan for me that fits in with my income. She also calls Finnick and then whichever boss she needs to at my work and deals with what would have been my maternity leave. I haven’t given that a second thought, but I now have a whole year of paid leave, letting me grieve without having to think about work or money.

I speak to Finnick after Madge, I quietly thank him for bringing me to the hospital that day which seems so long ago now. He doesn’t want to accept my thanks, and he spends a few minutes apologising for my loss. I just sit and listen, unsure how to respond. He tries to get me to agree to meet up, ‘ _we are friends, after all_ ’ he tells me.

 

Finally Madge offers me the greatest gift I could never have asked for, and don’t want to accept. Before she heads home for the night she takes off her serious-getting-work-done face, having dealt with the paperwork, and puts on her sad-caring-friend one.

“I’ll pay for whatever burial or funeral you want. You can pick a nice plot, and a special headstone for her.”

“I can’t Madge, it’s …”  and it’s heartbreaking to try and make myself turn down the offer of what I want for my daughter. I would do anything for her, if only I could have saved her. “It’s too much.”

Madge reaches forward and wipes at my tears, shaking her head, “It’s really not, it’s what you _both_ deserve. You don’t want to cremate her, I know that, so you’re not going to just because it’s the most affordable option, ok?”

Eventually I nod, caving into her offer and her body to let her hug and comfort me.

“I’ll come take you home with me tomorrow, alright?”

I’m discharging myself tomorrow and I’m staying at Madge’s as she had promised before. 

 

~~~

 

It’s very busy before they let me go. My wounds are checked again, and I’m told the stiches will be gone soon. However because of the nature, there’s no heavy lifting or exercise yet. The woman talking to me clearly doesn’t have a clue about me, and I clench my jaw when she hands me the pamphlet about caring for yourself and baby after a c-section. I take it without word though. And I’m given a follow-up appointment with my regular doctor to check the healing process in a weeks’ time.

Once I sign the discharge papers I’m left alone to gather my things and to meet Madge. I don’t have much here, just the holdall of both mine and the baby things. I try not to look at them as I shove everything into the bag, but my grip stops on the yellow knitted blanket made by Hazelle and I let my fingers run over the material for comfort before I add it to the bag and zip it up.

I meet Madge by the reception. We get to her car and I settle into the passenger seat. It’s odd being outside, I don’t remember the last time that I was, and it’s nice to feel the fresh summer air on my skin. I begin to feel like I can breathe properly again.

“I’m sure you must have something better to do with your Saturday than ship me to your home.” I say lightly, avoiding the silence.

“No,” she gives me a small smile, “besides, you’ll need someone to help sort your room. Interior decorating is my speciality. And no heavy lifting for you.” Her smile gets a little larger. Her home is exactly like the ones you see in the expensive home design magazines. She’s right that she will enjoy spending her weekend doing some light organising. I nod back to her, and want to say I can lift just fine, but I don’t.

 

Her house is as neat and tidy as expected. She lives on her parents’ property, and while they live in the main home on the large plot of land on the outskirts of town, she lives in what probably would have been the gate house or somewhere for the help to live a long time ago. She did renovations recently, so she now has a large second bedroom and bathroom where a storage space used to be, and this is what’s to be my room now.

I take my bag out the car and wait patiently for Madge to unlock the front door. I’m glad she doesn’t live in a busy street – I’m wearing the same pyjamas and hoodie that I have been for at least a week and I haven’t showered in a few days.

She leads me upstairs once we’re inside, but pauses with her hand on the door knob.

“I haven’t cleared anything up – I mean, since I moved all your things out of your place, it’s all just here, boxed up.”

“Ok. You didn’t need to tidy up my stuff, I don’t expect that.” I say plainly to her.

She shakes her head a little, “Katniss, I meant _everything_ , all the baby things too.” Her voice is quiet, unsure of how I might react.

I swallow thickly, remembering the boxed up crib and changing table and toys and clothes that we had had in the spare bedroom of the apartment which would have been Ruby’s nursery. I suppose I knew I would have had to face this at one point.

“That’s fine, I-I’d have to do it anyway.”

I prompt Madge to open the door and let me in.

I honestly think I’m prepared to see the bags and boxes, but I’m not prepared for the rush of nerves that washes over me once I’ve stepped into the doorway. There’s a lot more than I expected, who knew I had so much stuff.

“Your clothes are in those bags,” Madge points to the few holdalls and large bags next to the bed, “and the bedding is all clean. And there’s fresh towels in the bathroom, use whatever you need. I’ll just let you have some time, ok? I’ll be downstairs, no heavy lifting, remember?”

I nod away to her instructions. It’s overwhelming standing in a room with all your, and your baby’s, possessions packed up. The relief I’d first felt at being out of the hospital is quick to vanish, and now I only feel a permanent tightness in my chest. I slowly sit down on the edge of the bed, trying to decide what I’ll do next.

I make the effort to strip my worn pyjamas and pull out a fresh pair from one of my bags. I get into the bed, which is much more comfortable than the one in the hospital. However I do worry my bleeding will leak onto the nice linen. The bleeding is just one reminder of it all, and it doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon.

I don’t feel like going through anything right now, so lying in bed is my best option despite just leaving the hospital bed a few hours ago and it still being morning. I need to rest now though, because I have to make decisions about Ruby’s burial later today.

 

I’m awoken by Madge in the late afternoon.

“Hey,” she says, sitting on the bed next to me shaking my shoulder, “we need to head off in half an hour.”

I reluctantly push myself out of the bed and wipe my teary eyes. “I’ll have a shower and get dressed” I tell her, stifling a yawn.

Choosing something to wear afterwards is tough. I still have a belly, but it’s a little baggy and loose from the loss of Ruby. I can’t get into my old jeans, the button doesn’t nearly close and the waistband sits close to my sutures. I sigh. I messily search though some of my clothes and finally find a pair of maternity jeans. I hate pulling them on, but when the elastic band of the waist covers my abdomen and doesn’t bother the sutures, some of that hatred dissipates. My breasts ache when I try to put a bra on. I knew this would happen – my breasts are engorged with the milk they want to express. Its’s one of the things I haven’t decided about yet, what I’ll do about it, whether I’ll take the pill to make it stop or if I’ll let nature run its course.

Eventually I’m ready to leave for the funeral home, and I find Madge downstairs waiting.

 

My nausea increases as we get closer to the funeral home. I’m lucky in that there was a space next to my father in the cemetery. At this moment that provides some small amount of comfort, and any part of me which believes in an afterlife tries to hope that he will look after his granddaughter. So now I’m on my way to pick a coffin … I let out a few tears in the car, hoping I can get this over with as soon as possible.

 

The funeral director gives me a sympathetic smile and apologises for my loss when we enter his office. I know my eyes are rimmed with red and that I look a bit of a state.

“This is a hard time for you,” he places his hands over mine. He’s an older man, and must have been doing this for decades. “Everything is at your pace, as fast or slow as you’d like things organised.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” I say quietly to him and Madge, and we get started with large folders of coffins.

I do well for only a few minutes, with my breakdown coming when the size of her body comes to mind and I think of the small coffin that will be needed. I crumple forward into my lap, sobbing. Madge wraps her body over mine and pulls me towards her.

It’s when I don’t stop crying that I feel a dampness growing in my bra and shirt. I’m glad I’m wearing a thick hoodie so that no one, including myself, can see what my body is doing. My breasts are suddenly more painful, it only makes me cry even more.

I take 5 more minutes for myself. Then I wipe my eyes and remind myself that I can cry later when there’s nothing else to do. I get on with choosing a coffin.

 

When we leave I’m somewhat happy with my choices. I chose white, remembering what I’d chosen from Prim, then let the funeral director choose the best type of wood. And I asked Madge’s opinion on the inside lining, and we ended up picking a light pink satin. She asked the funeral director not to let me see the prices so it wouldn’t affect my decision making. I’ll still pay her back at some point though, and it’s a relief that I’m able to afford the plot in the cemetery myself. The simple headstone, to match the rest of my family’s, is another expense I can’t pay right now. It makes a weight pull me down a little inside.

 

~~~

 

We eat dinner on the patio that evening. The weather is nice, and I’d enjoy it if I wasn’t currently in this position.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“I guess,” I start, “it’ll be different once this week is over.” The burial is on Thursday afternoon. No funeral or ceremony or gathering, we, myself and Madge, are just turning up and burying my baby. That’s how I want it.

I try to contact Gale again. I let the phone ring twice but can’t bring myself to leave a message. He has successfully cut himself completely from my life, just like he wanted, and in that lost every part of his daughter’s short life.

“I’ll start moving on,” I tell her next, although I’m sure my voice has a tell-tale wobble to it, “I’ll get my life back on track.”

I can see from the look on her face that she wants to say something like ‘ _You don’t have to move on_ ’, but she holds her tongue for my benefit.

“You can get on with your life too, instead of holding mine together.” I say to her, referring to the last few weeks when she’s put her all into me.

 

My only problem is that I have no idea where to begin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll just start with a wow at the comments I received for the last chapter - it was tough and the hardest thing I've written and I'm so glad I could convey it how I hoped it would come across. It's such a delicate subject matter to even touch on.  
> For Katniss it's a low point in her life after many others - there's plenty more to come with her and her journey so I do hope you stick with it and enjoy this next update in that journey.


	8. Chapter 7 - It's hard to tell anyone's here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss closes the door on one chapter and tries to take steps into her next but the unexpected stops her in her tracks.

 

Thursday arrives before I know it, and I feel dreadful. I don’t sleep. I toss and turn, kicking the covers off when I sweat and then snatching them back when my skin prickles with goosebumps. I stay in bed all morning anyway, lying awake. I get up once Madge arrives back at lunchtime to drive us to the cemetery.

“Do you want to stop and get flowers on the way?” she asks as she sits on the toilet while I’m in the shower.

“The wreath is ordered.” I state plainly over the sound of the running water.

“I meant for the rest of your family.” Her voice is gentle, and I close my eyes letting the warm water run over my head.

“No, I’ll … that’s another day.” I say eventually. I’m trying to take each moment at a time right now, each of my family members would be too much all in one day.

 

 

I shake constantly after getting out of the shower, and still do as I pull on my black dress then dry my hair and make an attempt at some makeup. I’m barely steady enough to walk down the stairs, let alone to make Madge believe I’m more ok than I really am.

My breasts aren’t so achey now. I didn’t want to say anything at first when they began hurting so I hesitantly googled how to stop the pain and my milk flow. And I also came across online groups of women in situations like me, who’d lost their babies when they were young. I got upset when I looked too much into the sites. In fact I still do get upset when I think about it all. So many women have so many stories. Eventually stumbling across a page on lactation, some women want the milk to just stop while others are more ‘content’ letting nature play out. I could take medication or I could wait it out. Going to a doctor isn’t on my list of options, even though I have a check-up appointment currently booked for next week, so I take the second choice. So far I’ve been dealing with it for a few days.

 

~~~

 

The drive is slow, I stare forward at the road but don’t notice it passing us by until Madge pulls into park. I let out my breath.

“I have something for you,” Madge says before either of us move to get out of the car. She reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out a small square box.

“Marriage already? My past is too complicated for you!” I try and joke, gaining a smile from her.

“Very funny. But no, I know Prim had one of these after both of your parents …” She opens the box, revealing a small gold necklace. The pendant is round and flat, and an elegant R is engraved onto the surface. I pick it up in my fingers, then turn it over – just like Prim’s there are dates too. Ruby Everdeen is scripted across the top arc of the round pendant, and in the middle are her birth and death dates. I close my eyes, clutching it into my fist. Breathing seems more difficult, but I manage to get out a ‘thank you’ to Madge while she rubs my arm.

 

We wait a few minutes, then Madge helps me put the necklace on. I tuck it into the neckline of my dress, patting it down. Then attempt, again, to prepare myself for what is about to happen.

 

It’s not a cold August day, but I’m shivering nevertheless.

A man is lowering my daughter’s tiny white coffin into a small pit in the ground. The soil from it is piled at the side, ready to be bundled on top of it. My father’s grave is sitting to the left. My focus is everywhere-

“Ma’am?” my head snaps to the man. He’s finished his job of placing the coffin down. I give him a nod and bite my lip.

Then I kneel gently at the edge of the hole, looking down to my daughter’s resting place.

“I love you baby girl, always,” I whisper, my hands gripping the edge of the earth, “sleep tight, Ruby.” I bring my hands towards my lap, clasping them together. I’m not religious, but I can pray if I want to. Now is the only moment I’ve ever found that I do.

 

I stand back a couple of minutes later and take a step towards the mound of dirt. The handful I grab is wet and feels odd against the skin of my hand, I toss it quickly into the hole onto the coffin.

The man finishes the rest of his job – filling the hole. I wait until he’s done, and he neatly finishes the top off. He marks around the edges, signifying freshly dug ground, gives us a final nod and an apology for the loss, then leaves.

We’re alone now. I take the wreath of delicate flowers from Madge and place it on the ground. Until the headstone is placed in a few months’ time, it’s hard to tell anyone’s here. And I hate it.

 

Madge waits in the car patiently, giving me time. I don’t think I need it right in this moment though, because what can I do now that I haven’t done before or that I won’t do tomorrow?

I glance at the headstones belonging to the rest of my family, silently giving them instructions to care for my daughter.

 

~~~

 

Days are slow to pass me by, although the nights are worse and feel never ending. I don’t feel like I’ve slept much, but I go through the motions of getting by.

I get out of bed in the mornings, I make breakfast but often don’t eat it. I go back to bed until the afternoon when I think about getting up again. I always shower before Madge gets home, it helps her think I’m doing alright. Sometimes I don’t think she’s fooled by me. Is it worth pretending anymore?

 

~~~

 

I struggle to believe it’s been well over a month since she’s been gone and it’s almost the end of September now. I’m in bed, nothing unusual for me, but my hands are absentmindedly running over the skin of my stomach. It’s flat now, smoothed down from the emptiness that it had previously been filled with. But really it should still have a baby in it, the baby I have already met. I should be 36 weeks pregnant right at this very moment…

I think of how my belly should be stretched beyond belief, the skin taut and pulled, my body should be aching with the pains that pregnant women complain about in preparation for labour. I should be resting while Gale tends for my every need …

My eyes blur and tears fall at my vivid imagination of what I could have had, despite the fact that it’s not something I had originally wanted. I cry myself to sleep for many nights after this.

 

 

 

I slowly graduate to the living room during the day. Albeit I never leave my pyjamas or old lounge clothes under blankets on the sofa, it’s still adding variety to my day. I don’t think I can get away with it much longer though when Madge corners me one Friday night after she’s come in from work.

“You’re not trying, Katniss.” She states, sitting down opposite me on an armchair.

She’s most likely right, but I don’t feel like I _can_ do anything else, I’m not sure I want to. I miss my baby, I’m fine missing her and staying right where I am.

I mumble a nonsense reply.

“You don’t need to move on, or forget about her, in fact remember her always! But it’s not healthy…” her voice trails off, she’s thinking about what to say next and I feel like I know what it’ll be, “it’s not healthy mentally. You should talk to someone-”

“I said no already!” I shout loudly, standing up. I can see Madge is taken aback.

“I’m sorry” I say, my tone changing abruptly and my volume quiet now, “but I don’t want to talk to anyone, I’m fine.”

 

 

The guilt makes me tremor still when I lie in bed in the evening and I can’t sleep because of it. I feel badly for shouting at Madge when she’s done a lot to help, in fact she’s done everything. The clock reads 1am when I creep downstairs and quietly make my way into Madge’s room. I slide into her bed behind her.

“I didn’t mean to shout, you’re only helping, sorry.” I whisper close to her ear, she shuffles a little but doesn’t wake up. I take on the role of the ‘big spoon’ and let myself relax into the bed with her.

 

I wake groggily when Madge gets up in the morning light, but sleep again when she tucks me in and pats my hair down.

I apologise again when she gets home from work, but she barely bats an eyelid at the whole thing.

 

 

I’m better over the next few weeks, I even bought more groceries one day. But it was just once and I drove Madge’s car so I wasn’t gone more than twenty minutes. I didn’t enjoy it, but I’m relieved I didn’t see anyone I know on the short trip.

 

 

I make more of an effort with my possessions now – I haven’t touched much that Madge brought from my place. I’ve got a clear path from the door to the bed, and the bag of the clothing I’m living in is on that route. The rest of the room is filled with other boxes and bags of my things, and then boxes of flatpack baby furniture and boxes that Madge has labelled clearly with the small amount of baby clothing and toys and blankets that we had bought or been given. Most items are from Hazelle, and the sight of those boxes drowns me in a terrible guilt over not telling her. But she’s Gale’s mother – and considering he hasn’t told her he’s left me … well this is all his responsibility, telling her would be too much for me. _That’s what I tell myself._

I don’t think I can face looking through any of those baby boxes, the furniture is bad enough with the big images on the sides of what the pieces are supposed to look like when built. But I do go through all of my own things, quickly tossing my small collection of maternity pieces into a bag to go out and then organise all my other clothes and shift them into the empty closet.

I hastily look through some boxes and I come across the photo frames from the living room and bedroom of the apartment. A quick sift through finds me the few that I want out, and then I find my delicate photoalbum of my family.

My heart clenches as I pull it out and push everything back into the box. I make the decision that I’m not ready right now to look at it – in the past I only looked at it on bad days, on those that I couldn’t cope with myself. There actually weren’t many when I was pregnant, I suppose I’m making up for that now. I place it carefully on the bedside table to leave for later.

Left at the bottom of the box is a brown paper package. I don’t recognise it or think what it could be, so I’m careful to remove the paper. Inside is a sheet of paper which falls loose, a note written by Madge –

‘ _For when you’re ready for Ruby_ ’

I bite my lips, Madge has put together what looks like a photoalbum for Ruby. It makes a set with my family one. This is too much for today, and I’m glad Madge left me the warning note.

 

~~~

 

I act more tentatively as the 23rd of October appears closer to the horizon. The day I _should_ have gone into labour and delivered a heathy baby girl. I can’t decide how I feel about it, which only confuses me more.

I _think_ I feel differently as the days go on, about myself and what’s running through my mind. I really didn’t, and still don’t, want to talk to anyone about what’s happened, but I can feel something twisting and turning inside me. I’m starting to feel like I had all those years ago. I’m in more control now than I was then, I should be more responsible now than I was and admit that maybe I _do_ need something more…

//

_I saw Gale last week, or was it the week before that? I bite my lip as I see another text from him arrive on my phone. I push it away, questioning why I bother leaving it on. Gale was the last person I saw before something just clicked inside me and I could no longer do anything._

_My dorm room is impossibly cold when I jolt awake, it’s dark, but then I didn’t turn the light on. A banging comes from my door, I guess that’s what woke me this time._

_“Katniss!”_

_It’ Gale’s voice._

_“Katniss, I know you’re in there! I just want to check you’re ok. I’ll get the RA if you don’t open this door now.”_

_That threat does it mostly, I don’t want the RA here. It’s stupid of me …_

_I stretch from my huddled position on the bed and turn the lock on the door, pulling it open just a tad before Gale barrels his way inside. He shuts the door quickly behind him, then stands looking at me._

_“Katniss …”_

_I don’t know what he wants to say to me, and it doesn’t look like he knows either. I lie back down gently and turn over, facing away from his torn face._

_It can only be two minutes when he grabs me from my spot. He holds me up in a standing position and dresses me in a hoodie and coat over my pyjamas. My feet feel numb standing on the floor, I don’t know how I’m still be upright._

_But Gale guides me down the hallway after he locks my room. My vision is a little starry, probably from the lack of general movement for a little while. His car is outside, and he helps me sit in the passenger seat._

_“I’m taking you home, Katniss.” He says, and I only wish it was_ my _home that he’s taking me to and not his._

_“Hi, darling,” his mother, Hazelle, greets me once he’s welcomed me inside again. I think she knew I wasn’t coping well when I stayed here over Christmas. I really don’t know what’s made it worse though._

_“You come on with me now, sweetheart,” and she pulls me from Gale’s grip and into her own strong one. She’s guiding me up the stairs and I hear a little voice from behind me calling my name._

_“Katniss, are you coming to play with me?” Posy calls out. I can’t bring myself to turn around to face her._

_“Not right now, Posy.” Hazelle tells her with finality. I think Posy grumbles a response, but Hazelle ignores it and keeps her arms firmly around me and moving me forward._

 

//

 

I wake on the Tuesday morning of what should have been one filled with excited anticipation, and I’m shaking for an entirely different reason. My nerves are on edge for what must be the unexpected. I sit up, noticing the rain outside, and my chest feels tight, too tight.

My nails grapple at my skin, there’s no relief to the feelings and my breath is loud and laboured. I sob, pulling again at my skin. It has been a long time since I’ve felt this awful. In the moment I’ve forgotten how I used to calm myself.

I gravitate towards a corner of the room, it’s crowded by boxes and my junk, but it feels right. My knees sit tight against my torso as I cup my hands over my ears and drop my head down. I hear my breathing and my heart beating so clearly like this. Having something to focus on is good – however I know this can’t go on all day, despite not knowing what else I can do with myself.

 

I’m grateful that Madge leaves me be until I ask to borrow her car before dinner. Her eyebrows raise in a suspicious manner – I can tell she thinks I may drive it off a bridge and into the river on the outskirts of town.

“I’m just going to the cemetery, I’ll be back.” ‘ _Don’t worry_ ’ I want to add, but I stop.

“Ok,” she eventually agrees, “call me, you know, if -” she shrugs, and we both know what she means. However I hope I won’t need to.

I take the car keys and once I get going with my slow driving pace, I actually start feeling somewhat better. Maybe it’s the proximity to my daughter – a careful realisation dawns over me that I should maybe have done this sooner. 

I park and walk to attempt to clear my head before arriving at my destination. As my fingers drum at my sides I notice that I’ve come empty handed and I worry my lip between my teeth.

 

 

I can see the plot from afar – my lips turn up a tad at the sight of a new headstone. The ground must have settled enough for it, and as my feet bring me closer I see a small collection of bright flowers at the base of it. It makes my smile enlarge just a little, and a wave washes over me filled with relaxation and thankfulness that someone did this.

I sit down gently on the ground immediately in front of her grave. It’s damp from the earlier weather and the sky is darkening already. I take my time looking over the headstone, its beautifully smooth surface and neat text. It’s just right.

I just look, sometimes glancing up and down at the whole area, but mostly just gazing at the last spot I saw her coffin.

Subconsciously I’ve been rubbing my belly, and I stop when I realise so. But it’s somehow provided a comfort I couldn’t find in myself when I was alone – today or any other day over the past months. I just sit contently.

Eventually I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and I seem to come back to life, aware of where I am. I’ve only been here under an hour, but I think it must be time to go. I press a kiss against my fingers and touch them gently to the top of the headstone, letting out a slow breath.

 

 

I see Madge looking out from the front window, presumably for me, as I pull up outside the house. I wave to her, showing I’m fine – or as fine as can be. I look down at myself getting out the car, my knees are stained with grass and mud, as are my shoes. I make a note to rinse them out before putting them for a wash.

“Look, home before dinner.” I say to Madge once I’m inside. She has a small smile on her face and nods.

“Yeah I went all out, almost chipped a nail as I dialled the pizza number. It should be here soon.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

“So …” Madge starts once the pizza is half done, “how was your drive?”

I take another piece from the box and fiddle with the topping, deciding what I want to say.

“The headstone is up, it looks good. Thank you” I tell her sincerely.

“It _felt_ good too though, I was more relaxed when I was there. I’m glad I went, I needed to go.”

She nods along, seemingly happy with this.

“There was a phone call while you were out. It was Hazelle.” My breath catches, and a panic rises in my whole body.

“Don’t worry,” she puts her hand out gently on my arm, “I didn’t say anything, just that you weren’t in right now. I’m not sure how she knew you were here, but … I don’t know Katniss, it just seemed like she knew what had happened. That she knew there wasn’t going to be a baby today.”

“How?” Is all I come up with. Theories run through my head, but I can’t pluck up anything realistic. I don’t understand.

Madge shrugs, “Call her” she suggests, but I’m not sure I want to.

 

I don’t sleep that night. I curl up on my side, my hands clench into fists and my eyes are wide. This is the uncertain, I can’t stand it. Not knowing what she wanted or what she knows. I can’t believe it’s not my crushing grief that’s keeping me up, although maybe it would if I had nothing else to think about.

Eventually my eyes droop when the sun rises and I think I manage at least a few hours before I hear the phone ringing downstairs. When it stops it’s followed by a persistent ringing of the doorbell and knocking on the door. I bury myself under blankets to block it out.

It’s still going on after 5 minutes, and I can’t take it. Whoever it is knows I’m in here. I get up, pull my hair up and tug on my dressing gown over my pyjamas.

I don’t even look out the window or peep hole before yanking the door open, ready to give an angry lecture to whoever it is for disturbing my sleep, but I stop in my tracks, blood draining when I see who it is.

“Hey,” he says, nonchalantly.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing here, Gale?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And he's back! *Prepares self for angry backlash* More of Gale to come, I'd like to think Katniss had the most appropriate response to his turning up!
> 
> It was a long one this time, thank you for plowing through it and dealing with the tough times Katniss faces in this update, and over the long period of time that passes in this chapter - the times are very toiling and rough, I can only hope I put justice to the feelings.
> 
> Again thank you for all your support with this story and for leaving comments and choosing to share your own stories, it touches my heart and means so much! x


	9. Chapter 8 - This has been too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Gale's confrontation, and Katniss finds a comfort in someone other than Madge.

 

I wait for his answer as tension rises between us. I move to close the door in his face as Gale just stands there.

“Wait!” His hand smacks out against the wood and halts the door in its place.

“Then what the fuck are you doing here?” He isn’t getting anything from me, I barely even want to give him a second more of my time and I want to take back the time he’s already taken.

“I came to see you-” I snort at his line.

“Because I know the baby was due, yesterday, I thought I’d come and see you … you know?” His eyes are glancing up and down my body, it’s obvious that no, I’m not still bearing a baby.

“No. I don’t ‘know’ Gale. I can’t get my head around this!” I growl. “What’s changed, huh? You’ve had _months_ Gale! _Months_ when I tried to contact you – and you know what? It wasn’t even for myself, it wasn’t even to get you back.”

“I-” his loss for words is blatant. My body involuntarily moves back into the house a little, it’s enough for him to squeeze in. He shuts the front door and stands with his back to it.

“You’re, um, not pregnant?”

I swallow and catch my breath, “No.”

“So -” he starts, his eyes glancing behind me up the staircase. He’s wondering where the baby is, knowing a newborn couldn’t be away from me.

“You should have picked up your phone when I called – when Madge called, or the hospital called.” I’m so angry at him now. This is his own fault and now I have to re-open my barely sealed wounds just for him.

His mouth is slack, his skin has paled and his eyes are glassy.

“Katniss, what? What are you saying? _God_ I know I left at a bad time and I ignored my phone, but I needed some time away.” His hands are active, one loosening his shirt collar and the other running through his hair. He mumbles as he paces now, but I do manage to catch one thing, ‘What have you done Katniss?’

My blood boils at his selfish attitude, “You should leave. _Get. Out.Now_!” I move towards him and attempt to shove him towards the door, but my efforts barely touch his muscular frame.

“If you weren’t so fucking selfish then maybe you could have met our daughter and spent her days with her!” I snap, his whole being here just pushing me over my boundary.

I don’t wait for him to reply, or barely even think of one, and I’m pounding up the stairs and into my room. I slide to the floor against the door once it’s slammed shut. My hands are wrapped around my ears, holding everything in. I think my body is rocking back and forth, but I shake too and can’t tell.

I struggle to understand Gale’s motives, why did he decide he cared now? Where has he even been?

Maybe I should have called Hazelle back last night, it might have prepared me for this today. But guilt would definitely have filled me as I spoke to her, I would have needed to tell her about the baby, her first grandchild, who isn’t here to wear the clothes that she has knitted. Although that blanket is the most appreciated thing I have… doubt fills my mind as to what I should do now, and what I should have done. It’s Gale’s responsibility, I tell myself, she’s his mother – even though she cares for me as one of her own. Something inside can’t bring me to do it yet.

 

I sit for what might be hours, and I can’t recall if I’ve heard Gale leave yet. He might be running through everything in his mind, most likely blaming me for it all.

I’m reminding myself that he doesn’t know everything that happened and what we, Ruby and I, went through when there’s a knock on the door behind me.

“Yeah?” my voice is hoarse when I speak.

“It’s me.” Madge. Either I’ve been here a lot longer than I thought, or Gale has called her, which does seem very unlikely of him.

“Someone from my dad’s called … said they heard fighting here. Are you alright?” her voice is kind.

I gingerly stand and open the door to her. I nod, “Just Gale.” I still don’t know if he left or not.

“I saw him downstairs, he’s in shock I think.”

She’s reading my mind. I think I might be in shock too, or have been at somepoint and simply haven’t realised.

“Can’t ask him to leave, I suppose” I grumble.

Madge almost looks torn before she replies, “He’s an asshole, but you’re a better person. You’ll do the right thing. I’m guessing in the arguing you didn’t get the full story out to him?” She knows me so well and I shake my head.

“You know what you have to do then.”

And I, very reluctantly, agree.

Madge goes back to work, and eventually I gather up the courage and go downstairs to Gale sitting on one of the couches. I cough, making him aware of me. Then I sit opposite him. He looks up, but his gaze doesn’t quite make it to my eye.

“My blood pressure was already rising on the day you left, the nurse warned me about it. I guess it got too high – when I got to 28 weeks I almost collapsed at work, a colleague took me to the hospital. They had a hard time getting to the bottom of what was wrong.

They were going to do surgery anyway, but my appendix ruptured and I fell unconscious. She was in danger so they had to do an emergency delivery during surgery.”

“A daughter?” He interrupts.

I nod but choose to continue rather than commenting, I need to get this out.

“She was so small and delicate, she was in the intensive care unit to get a lot of help.” I take a breath.

“Her intestines weren’t doing so well, the whole length was dying. _I_ made the best choice for her. She was living her short life in pain and that _wasn’t_ _fair_.

She died in my arms, the first time I got to hold her.”

I’m whispering by now, unbelievably reliving the moments I never wanted to think about again.

 

He still doesn’t say anything.

 

 I make a sudden decision and want to take this moment of silence from him.

“I heard you Gale, before – ‘ _What have you done, Katniss?_ ’” I mimic his tone, “You can’t blame me for this, it was our child’s life, and she was loved for every single moment of it, at least by me. Even though you didn’t care to acknowledge _anything_ , couldn’t even pick up the phone when it must have rang incessantly.

So, no, Gale, you don’t _dare_ get to ask what I have done, because it’s been my best in this shitty situation. I can’t say the same for you.”

 

 

And still, he says nothing. I stand to go back upstairs to crumble, hopefully after I’ve let him out, when he clears his throat.

“My mom’s been worried, said she hadn’t heard anything from you about the baby.”

My anger is doing something indescribable to me, and I snort, letting out some sort of cackle.

“Well then you’d better tell her. I suppose she doesn’t know quite what happened between us either?”

I don’t know what I want to say next.

 

“Just get out. Leave me alone, I’ve done well enough without you already. Maybe we can have a discussion again when you’ve had a good think. Blaming me for our daughter’s death isn’t going to do you any favours.”

I breathe, harshly, for just a second.

“Get out, now.”

I’m final with him. This is too much.

 

 

My whole body is overcome with the shakes when Madge finds me curled on the floor when she arrives home, again, from work in the evening. The more time alone I’ve had today has been worse for me than all of the days since her death. Gale’s few words stabbed right where it hurts, and I’m ashamed that I am letting them get to me.

 

“I wish this would just end,” I sob in bed with Madge tucked beside me. “I almost felt together again, her headstone is beautiful, it’s perfect … it was lovely there. I was almost content for just a moment.” I don’t even know what’s coming out of my mouth, but it’s all made incoherent with my ugly sobs and gasps for air. “Nothing’s ever right, it’s all ruined.”

“Come now, Katniss, shhhh!” Madge is sweet and caring in her attempts to calm me and make me see sense, but her words aren’t penetrating my mind like they should.

I gag eventually from the sobs.

Madge looks uncomfortable, “Katniss, I don’t know what to do sweetie.” She smooths my hair down, “I’ll get you some help.”

I try to protest against her, but she wraps my body tightly in a blanket and pulls me into her. It’s meant to be calming but I don’t like it at all.

 

 

I either fall asleep or pass out, I can’t tell which, but the sun seems to be creeping through the window. I’m also in my bed, and I don’t know how I got here either. There’s hushed whispers in the hallway, and I burrow my face down into the bedding hoping to leave the world for a few more moments.

The door creaks open and the bed dips with someone’s weight, their hand rubs my back.

“You could have told me, darling” surprisingly it’s Hazelle, “you’re one of my own, I could have helped you.” The only thought worrying through my head is that I didn’t, and still don’t, want any help.

“I know it’s not the same, but after I had Gale I lost a baby too. I was only 15 weeks along, but it was still a baby. Talking about it helps, and I know you’re not doing that, but it did help me, I’ve been at peace with what happened for a long long time. And there were 3 more healthy babies afterwards – there are things to move on to, Katniss, there’s more out there for you. There will be a family.”

With that I only sob more, and she unwraps me to pull me into her. I’m not only crying for Ruby though, but because I truly am alone.

 

I eventually look at Hazelle, and her eyes are rimmed in red too.

“My son did not treat you right, that wasn’t fair, and we all know you deserve the world.”

I redden, because I don’t feel like I deserve _anything_.

“So,” she starts, “what are we going to do with you next, huh? Madge is despairing about you here, so how about we help her out a little?” It sounds like she’s talking to young Posy and not to the almost-25-year-old that I am. But guilt fills me nevertheless at the thought of the stress I’ve put on Madge, she most likely doesn’t want me here anymore and I’ve made her feel like she can’t kick me out-

“Stop that!” Hazelle is looking at me sternly, “You forget I know you well.”

My eyes drop from her face, I can’t look at her, and I can’t imagine looking at Madge again.

My breathing labours, I feel a terror and panic drenching over my chest, and Hazelle seems aware of it.

“Tell me about your precious baby now, my first grandchild!” Her eyes shine, and I know she is deeply upset by this too. It dawns on me that I’ve been selfish in my grief.

“A grand _daughter_ ,” I tell her, and I hear the pride in my voice.

“I named her Ruby, because she was born in the last minutes of July and that’s her birthstone like my mother. Madge saw her first, she knows all about her first moments.

She was very strong, like you. But her intestines made her sick, the nurses said she put up a good long fight.”

I sniff with the memories flooding back to me again, “I only got to hold her once, but I got to have her last moments even though I couldn’t have her first.”

I’m surprised that it’s just Hazelle shedding tears. I reach around my neck and unfasten the chain Madge gave me. I rub my thumb over the engravings and hold it out to show Hazelle.

A memory pops into my mind when she’s gazing at it and turning it over in her fingers.

“Your blanket! The yellow knitted one, she liked that. It was one of the things Madge grabbed from the apartment. It went into the incubator.” I allow a small watery smile and Hazelle looks pleased, wrapping her arm over my shoulder and pulling me into her side.

“There are pictures,” I add quietly, “I just haven’t looked at them yet.” She shakes her head though, giving me my time for that, then fastens the chain back around my neck.

 

“How’s Gale? I don’t know what he said to you, but we did try and call him, so did the hospital, more than once. I didn’t deny him the opportunity to know his daughter. He may have been an ass to me, but we both had good Dad’s …”

She agrees with my statement, “He said just about as much – he ignored all the calls. But he’s working through it. He’s stubborn like you, he might take a while.”

It’s my turn to agree. We _are_ both stubborn, and it’s likely one of the reasons we didn’t seem to work anything out between us. I decide that it will be worthwhile to talk it through with him more. And once I have the courage, I’ll let him see her picture. Maybe.

 

 

 

I can see a weight has lifted from Madge shoulders.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back” I wink, then turn serious, “you deserve a little break from me, ok? I may not know what’s best for myself, but I’d like to think I know what’s good for you.”

We smile and hug, I’m relieved that we’re ok.

I’m spending a few days with Hazelle, an indefinite number of days, but I know I’ll be back with Madge eventually. She’s told the kids that I’ve been a ‘bit poorly’ and needed some time to get better. What I don’t know is what she told them about Gale and I – they’re old enough to know we were going to have a baby, and will question why there is no baby with me, so I assume she told them something about that too. Little Posy isn’t quite so little anymore either, she’s now a feisty 10 year old rather than the pouting 4 year old who just wanted to play when I first needed their help.

“Take as long as you want, there’s always a bed here for you.” Madge says as I gather my bag and coat, stepping out into the cold November morning.

Minutes later I settle into Hazelle’s car and she drives off towards their home across the city.

 

I’m glad that it’s the morning and the kids are all out at school, although I’m sure they will be full of questions on their arrival home. Maybe not so much Rory and Vick, but Posy will want to know everything – and none of it is very 10 year old friendly. Gale isn’t here when we arrive, but I guess he has his own place somewhere. I suppose I’ll ask him about that too.

“It’s all yours, for as long as you want” Hazelle says leading me into their guestroom which I’ve stayed in before.

“I won’t be too long, just enough to give Madge a break.” I still feel guilty over that. “I won’t intrude your Thanksgiving-”

“Don’t be stupid, you’ve always been welcome for the holidays. You can stay if you like, although Gale will be here too.”

I’ll have to think this through a little, she’s right that I’ve always been welcome because I’ve spent all the holidays here in the last 5 or 6 years. But can I deal with Gale? I can hear Madge’s voice telling me I’m the bigger person, but this is his family first. I suppose if he doesn’t want me to stay, I’ll go.

Hazelle leaves me to unpack the bag I’ve brought, it’s only some clothes. I shove a pair of pyjamas under the pillow, and when I check my bag before tossing it in the closet, I find one last thing.

The soft yellow blanket is just how I remember it. It feels so delicate on my skin, and tears prickle my eyes when I bring it up to my nose and inhale deeply. I swear I can smell Ruby on it.

Before I dwell on it any more I tuck it under the pillow too and take myself downstairs to see what I can do to keep my mind busy.

 

 

 

“Katniss!” I can hear Posy’s scream before I see her, then her little body slams into my own and her arms are wrapped around me.

“Hey,” I greet her with a smile, “how was school?”

She shrugs, “Mmm. But I’m glad you’re here, you can do my hair now.” I always do Posy’s hair in intricate sets of braids when I’m here. It’s been a while since she’s had them.

“Homework first?” I negotiate, and after a little fuss she agrees. I have to admit that this is quite nice, a break from myself for once. 

 

 

Once the kids, although Rory is a senior in high school now and not a kid, have gone to bed I find myself telling Hazelle that I found the blanket she had knitted. She holds me around the shoulders as I cry when I say that it still smells like my baby.

Later I use it as a comforter in bed while I try to sleep, and I find my dreams filled with new babies.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with the story as it goes on. Finally some Katniss and Gale confrontation - unfortunately not a lot seems to have been resolved between them. I'm relieved Hazelle is finally here - hopefully you guys will be happy with that!  
> And thank you for the continued support through comments and kudos, they really are very much appreciated^


	10. Chapter 9 - One step at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss faces the opposite attitudes of the Hawthorne's, which only brings her more thoughts and decisions to make.

 

The week of Thanksgiving comes quickly, in fact I have barely realised that any time has passed me at all. I am still undecided on what I will do when Gale arrives home for the holiday, and as a result I’m terrified when I see Hazelle, thinking she’s going to ask me to leave so Gale’s comfortable, and also when someone comes to the door, in case it’s Gale asking me to leave himself.

But neither scenario has arisen.

Hazelle is always cheerful, whether it’s when she’s up early seeing off the kids and then heading  to work as an elementary classroom assistant, or when she comes home from a long day and gets set on the household chores and cooking dinner.

I weakly offer to help on my second or third day here, maybe make dinner even though we all know my cooking skills are poor at best. Then I suggest I do the laundry, but Hazelle laughs it off, telling me not to be silly.

But hanging around doing nothing - like I have been since arriving at Madge’s - isn’t doing me any good. Some days feel like steep downward spirals, while others seem marginally better. I clean up around the house anyway, and I sometimes attempt dinner with easy recipes I find in a few well-worn books in the kitchen. At least everyone eats and no-one is sick afterwards.

 

 

“I’m glad you’re staying with us for Thanksgiving, Katniss.” Posy tells me as I meet her off the school bus at lunch time after their early close on Wednesday. I give her a small smile, I can’t even do small talk with kids. But Posy doesn’t notice.

“And it’ll be so much fun to have you here at Christmas, it’ll be just like having a big sister here all the time!” I have to gulp at her words, she was very young at the time when I lost my own sister, as a toddler she wouldn’t have been aware of it. For the past few years or so I managed not to take notice of when people spoke of family and siblings, but I’m in a more vulnerable place now. I can barely stand anything.

“You can come ice skating with me in the town and-”

“We’ll see, Posy” I manage to get out. Taking her hand and continuing our walk home from the bus stop. I don’t know if I’ll stay here for Christmas. I don’t know if that’s the right choice for me.

Posy skips off once we’re heading up the path to the house, but I stop when I see Gale’s car in the drive. I need to suck it up and deal with him. I shouldn’t expect the worst – he wouldn’t start something in front of his family I’m sure.

I take a few deep breathes, which don’t give me any sense of calm whatsoever, then I take slow paces towards the house. Posy has left the door open and I assume she has run to her eldest brother, so I close it quietly behind me. I can hear them in the living room.

“Have you been doing good at school then, squirt?” Gale’s deep voice asks.

“I’m _always_ good at school, I got top marks in maths last week!” I can hear the pride in Posy’s voice, and as I turn into the room I see Gale has her gathered in his arms. Despite the age gap, the two have always had a good relationship.

I keep quiet, but Gale is soon to notice me. His face solemns only a little, I don’t think Posy would notice.

“Hi Gale,” I say eventually.

“Hey.” He keeps his reply short.

Posy looks between us then slithers down to the floor and takes her school bag up to her bedroom, leaving Gale and I alone.

“I can leave, if you want. I’ll go back to Madge’s today. I don’t need to stay.” I blurt out quickly before Gale has a chance to say anything. As much as I do want to stay around my surrogate family for the holiday, I don’t want it to be awkward with Gale – and I know it will be.

Gale remains silent and sits down. I don’t know whether to join him or if I should just go and pack my bag now. I hover while looking at Gale, a lump in my throat suddenly.

“No, Katniss you don’t need to go.”

Well that’s a surprise. I thought he’d at least put up some sort of fight or argument. I remain where I’m standing, not sure what will happen next.

“Ok” I whisper.

He wrings his hands for a few minutes before speaking up again. “Could we talk?”

His voice is so unlike how I’m familiar with. He sounds as vulnerable as I feel, and saddened.

“Alright,” I get out, even though I’m not ready for this talk myself, “I’m supposed to be watching Posy.”

My excuse is lame and Gale sees right through it.

“She’s ten, she’s fine on her own.”

I nod and then ask Gale to come up to my temporary bedroom with me. At least it will be some sort of privacy.

 

Gale sits on the armchair by the window while I perch on the bed. I don’t want to look at him and see the emotion filling his eyes.

“Can you tell me more, about our daughter.” His elbows are holding his upper body up against his knees.

The lump is still in my throat and I can feel the all too familiar wetness in my eyes.

“What do you want to know?” My voice is low and not my own. We are both breathing heavily.

“Well, who did she look like? Me, or you?”

I didn’t look at it like that when she was with us, I just looked at _her_.

“Madge says she looked like me, but she had your Hawthorne chin,” I give him a very small smile.

“Did you take any pictures?” He still looks just as solemn.

I nod slowly, “Madge did. But, they’re … they’re not for anyone to look. I’m not ready for that yet.”

“Can I look though? You don’t need to.”

I’m finding it difficult to find the words to refuse him, I don’t know how to say no. But I won’t say yes, I know that much. My hands have started to twitch at the thoughts speeding through my mind. I’m not ready to share her with him. I don’t think I could even say when I would be ready.

“I deserve to see, Katniss.” His voice has a hard tone, and from the corner of my eye I can see he’s now standing and is taking another step towards me.

I don’t find myself agreeing with him. I gave him his chances, he never took them.

He’s walking towards me slowly, then takes a seat on the bed a width away from me. I don’t like the situation, or how he’s acting. He’s making me feel threatened.

“No, Gale.” I wrap my arms around my body as if to shield myself from him.

He sighs, and I can’t help but feel offended by just the way it sounds. Like he expected me to say no and he’d have to fight me for it, as if to say ‘ _typical Katniss_ ’.

He moves towards me, to put an arm around my shoulders I think. But I’m faster than him and pull my body away.

“I said no, Gale!”

I don’t mean to shout. But that doesn’t stop him and he’s squeezing me right into the end of the bed. I feel his body hard against mine. I screw my eyes shut and know my whole form is shuddering, it’s painful. Gale shouts in my ear, but I don’t hear him I just feel him.

Eventually his voice turns to a growl before he moves away. I finally open my eyes when the bedroom door slams and I shake with each of his stomping footsteps down the stairs.

I let out an unsteady breath and try to calm myself.

I don’t hear the front door slam, so I assume he’s still in the house. I should have just left when I had the chance.

The house is silent, and I can only assume that Posy heard everything being just down the hallway. I sigh, undecided on what to do next.

 

 

 

A knock on the door brings me out of my mind, the sun is just about set in the sky. I’ve been in here a while then.

The door opens slowly and Hazelle emerges around it, closing it behind her. I look away quickly.

“I’m sorry we argued when I was meant to be looking after Posy.” I apologise rapidly once she sits next to me.

“She’s just worried about you, she was very stern with Gale – it was his shouts that she heard.” Hazelle is smiling at me, and it is a funny image thinking of Gale being reprimanded by a ten year old girl.

“Gale’s downstairs still – just as worried about Posy as you.” She sighs.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said or did to you. But you know him- and yourself – you’re both stubborn. He thinks he’s in the right but he doesn’t understand what it’s like and been like for you.”

I have to agree with her about our stubborn quality. But what I can’t agree with is that Gale _didn’t_ mean what he said. He sure sounded like he meant it to me, he -

“Sometimes, Katniss, sometimes I don’t think you understand what you’ve been through either.” Hazelle cuts me off from my string of thought before I can say anything.

But I just disagree with her more. I understand perfectly well what I’ve been through … I just don’t feel that I can put up an argument with her.

I remain silent as I feel the string of tears in my eyes. I hate that I’m accustomed to this now. That, and the lump in my throat which has appeared. I can feel a build-up of … something in my chest, I don’t like it, I feel itchy and want to get out. I just don’t know if I’m thinking I want out of this room or out of my body.

 

Hazelle speaks up again, “I’d like you to speak to someone, not me or Madge, or even Gale. You need to speak about everything that’s happened, sort through all of what’s gone on and what you’ve been thinking about.”

I only shake my head. The bed dips as Hazelle slowly moves closer as not to startle me, the opposite of Gale. Her hand is soft over my hair. I struggle _not_ to let myself fall into her for comfort. I start to feel very confused with the opposites I’ve been getting from the Hawthorne’s today.

“Madge said you didn’t take up the counselling that the hospital offered?”

She waits for the response that she won’t get, but continues soon after.

“I moved on quickly, back then, they were different times. I still went to a group, spoke to a few other ladies who’d lost their babies too. It was nice once in a while. And we all spoke to each other when we got pregnant again, kept us all going I think-”

“I’m not getting _pregnant_ again!” My voice is raised and the words are filled with hatred and bitterness. This conversation has flipped direction and I can’t stand it.

My heart rises in my chest and a tightness ensnares me whole. My body shrivels into itself and Hazelle pulls me to her, doing her best to keep me holding on. She shushes me for a very long time.

 

 

“These panic attacks aren’t any good for you, Katniss.” Hazelle says gently once my breathing has calmed and my tears have stopped. I haven’t realised I had been having panic attacks. I guess I assume this is all normal, that what I am feeling and how I am dealing with it is all a part of the ‘grief’.

“They seem normal,” I shrug, drying off my face on my sleeve.

Hazelle shakes her head, a sad expression on her face which I recognise so well now.

“You come down and have some dinner later, Gale’s still here and all the kids are home now. You are a strong woman, Katniss, you will get through this, one step at a time. So face Gale for now, you don’t need to say anything to him, but show him you can be strong despite everything.”

I don’t like her words – I don’t want to face Gale, ever. I won’t be able to back out of this or deny her though. I suppose, before, I really did consider myself strong and independent. I should start thinking like that again, but I don’t know if I can, not with Gale and the past few months looming over my shoulder.

 

~~~

 

Gale is very quiet all evening, aside from thanking his mother for dinner and Posy for serving out ice cream. Something draws me to him though, I keep getting the urge to say something, but I stop before anything ever comes out. I don’t know what would come out anyway.

 

It’s getting late. I’m quite tired. Posy and Vick have a film on in the living room and Rory is in his room. Gale opened a beer once they’d left the dining table, and after some very disapproving looks from Hazelle, I open one too. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a drink. Hazelle sits with us in the dining room after she finishes loading the dishwasher. If I were an outsider it would look like some couples mediation meeting.

“Gale, you chose not to be there, for Katniss or your daughter. You need to accept those actions. Katniss, Gale wasn’t there, he still needs time to understand things, you need to accept that.” Hazelle’s tone is stern, but her words are only filled with care for the pair of us before her. I still don’t like the tone she’s using on me, it ruffles my feathers somewhat more.

Then she turns to her son, “Katniss has no family, we are the closest thing she has. She lost the one thing a woman loves the most, her own child. Gale, you need to think that through and understand a perspective other than your own. You need to accept that your actions had a consequence, even if you don’t like that.”

Gale’s jaw is tight, he doesn’t want to listen to his mother. He doesn’t want to be put in his place.

“I could take you to her grave, if you’d like?” I offer timidly from the strange guilt that’s bubbling inside me. “The stone was put in a little while ago – it’s …” I pause thinking of how to describe our daughter’s gravestone.

Gale doesn’t let me continue, “Yes, that would be good.”

There’s a silence before he speaks up again, but his words are simple.

“Thank you.”

I give him a nod in acknowledgement, I don’t think I can say anything else on the matter. But then Gale doesn’t offer me anything in return. It makes me feel strangely little.

I finish my beer a little too quickly then say goodnight with a fuzziness around my head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the length this update took - work has been very busy and there has been a lot going on, so I'm not sure if I'll get an update out next weekend, we'll see at the time! I do want to get to the comments from the last chapter too - I quite like seeing a huge range of feelings and comments about this, it definitely spurs me on to keep in parts or throw out parts I'd been thinking about including!  
> All comments/kudos'/subscribes/bookmarks etc. are very much appreciated!
> 
> This chapter was definitely a cog-turning one for Katniss - Gale and Hazelle are pretty much on opposite ends of the spectrum and that's needing a lot from Katniss.


	11. Chapter 10 - What I am thankful for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss faces Thanksgiving day with several sets of memories and takes an important step in her grieving process.

 

Thanksgiving is fairly easy going, but I don’t feel at ease. Despite coming together on some sort of mutual ground, I still feel scared of Gale.

He will never say anything in front of his siblings, I know that. He could  corner me though, it’s a persistent worry in my head, so I wait until I know at least one of the kids is up and downstairs before heading down myself.

Hazelle already has food in the oven and pans on the hob simmering away. I offer to help, but Posy interrupts.

“That’s my job! Look here,” she points at her homemade chart for the holiday decorated with plump turkeys and autumnal colours, “ _I’m_ helping be the sous-chef,” she likes to feel important in the house with these grown boys, “ _you’re_ setting the table, _and_ you get to pick where everyone sits.”

I nod at her, taking it seriously to keep her happy. Then look at her plan to see I’m not needed until well into the afternoon.

I’m not used to being in the house with everyone else at once. I’ve done quite well keeping my distance these holidays. Although it’s been easy to stay alone, I can blame the time of year, everyone here knows Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been triggers for my grief. I am just burdened more this year.

With the house being full, it’s surprising to me that I’m thinking more than I have done the past weeks I’ve stayed at the Hawthorne home.

_I miss my daughter_.

 

 

~~~

 

 

I’m shaken awake by an insistent Posy.

“You need to set the table now, here’s the place cards I made!” She thrusts them into my lap and prances off to the kitchen.

I rub my eyes of sleep, despite getting at least a few good hours overnight. Gale looks intensely into a newspaper across the living room and Vick has headphones on attached to his laptop at the other end of the sofa from me.

I blink slowly a few times, and suddenly get a vision of what the holiday should have looked like. Just the image in front of me, except a young few-week-old daughter would be in my arms. I would be as sleep deprived as I am, I think. Although I wouldn’t be given any chores, I’d have a whole human being to take care of. I almost feel Ruby’s weight in my arms, but my vision is shattered when my eyes flicker down and find emptiness.

I suddenly don’t want to be here anymore. The horrible itchiness re-appears inside and I feel anxiety rising. _I need to get out_.

My hands are still tightly clutching the place cards that Posy made. My fingers are starting to ache and are turning all shades of red and white with the strain.

“Katniss?” A soft voice behind me says, shaking me out of my mind. Gale places his hand on my shoulder. His touch and voice are unusually gentle. I must look mad to him when I turn with wide eyes.

“Hey,” his voice still has a quiet and kind tone, “leave that, come on.”

He pulls my fingers out of their grip and sets the cards down. I just stare down at my hands in amazement. Then he puts his arm around my shoulder, guiding me out of the room and then leading me onto the back porch. The air is fresh on my face, it’s welcomed.

He keeps his arm around me, grounding me. I think this is okay, maybe.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“I didn’t sleep much last night,” Gale comments as we listen to the birds and nature behind the Hawhorne house. “Did a lot of thinking,” he pauses, then adds, “about you.”

I can’t formulate a response. My mouth is catching flies while my brain stops working. I don’t know if I can think of the last time he admitted to thinking of me.

“I called Madge, to ask her about you. She told me everything,” he smiles and chuckles a little, “gave me an earful while she was at it, but told me everything from the moment I left you.”

My feelings sink again, I don’t like the sound of it, and again anxiety rises.

“I’ll be honest,”

_Oh what a relief …_

“I don’t understand it all. But I see it’s been hard for you. You really are a different person.”

I have to bite my tongue before saying anything. I don’t really take it as a compliment, but this is quite close to comfort and kindness for Gale.

I give him the nod I think he’s looking for. He’s not making me feel better. It’s surprisingly disappointing, though I probably should have expected it.

 

“She’s-” I gulp, then spit the word “ _buried_ ,” out, “at my family’s burial, if you remember where that is.” I say.

“Of course I do,” he’s quick to reply.

I don’t tell him that I plan to go later. I want to be by myself, I have little to be thankful for this year. But what I _am_ thankful for is the time I got to spend with Ruby, and that was on my own. I want to spend time at her grave on my own.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Once I go back into the house I do my assigned task from Posy. It’s half-hearted, but I’m just biding my time until I can get out. I finish when Posy comes into the room with two bowls of food. She puts them on the table and then studies my work – who knew a ten year old could be so critical?

And suddenly my mind has snapped again. I can’t help but picture Ruby at ten – she would be just like Posy, who is very similar to Gale and myself. That similarity is too much to bear right now, I have to make a run for it.

 

Somehow Gale’s car keys are in my hand as I make it swiftly down the driveway towards his car. I don’t second guess myself as I yank the door open and shove the keys in. I’m reckless as I reverse onto the street, hardly looking, and speed down the road.

 

 

~~~

 

 

I manage to slam the breaks just in time as a runner suddenly appears in the road. I take deep breaths and pull my hands from the steering wheel to cup my face. My throat and eyes both burn. _I hate this_.

I swipe at my eyes and look up. The runner still stands in the road, his face is red from his workout and the chill in the air, and his floppy blonde hair is all over the place.

I try and give him a small smile, so he’ll move and let me go. But he remains where he is.

“Are you ok?” I can hear him ask, muffled through the glass. I must look ridiculous, and I should be the one asking him that. I nod again, giving another tired smile. I wave my hand for him to move on. He nods and makes his way on his run.

I continue driving with more care, though I don’t nearly run into anyone else. In fact, I don’t realise where I am until I pass over the viaduct bridge and am heading towards Twelve Mile Lake. It was my father and I’s place. I haven’t been here in … I can’t remember how long.

I pull over once the road narrows and winds through the deepening woods.

_God I’m such a mess_.

I don’t think it’s a good idea coming out here, well, going any further than I have. I used to find it hard enough visiting here when Prim begged me. I’m not in a better place now, much worse, I hate to admit.

I get out the car and take several strides into the trees. I sit down against one, taking in deep breaths of fresh woodland air. My lungs fill with a sense of calm too. I feel my body and mind relaxing immediately. I lean my head back against the bark. Despite not wanting to remember my dad right now, this really is what I’ve been needing, I just haven’t realised.

 

I don’t end up sitting all too long. There’s a chill in the air and I don’t have a jacket. I get back to the car and make the decision to go back to the Hawthorne’s. I can’t have been gone long, enough for them to worry though. I turn the car and drive a lot less carelessly back towards the town.

When I pass Madge’s I contemplate stopping by to say I’ll come back soon, but I don’t want to explain why I’m out driving (Gale’s car) at prime thanksgiving-dinner-time.

It’s half four when I finally park back in the drive. When I glance at the house I can see someone jump up from the window, looking out for me. I now hate myself for the worry I’ve caused.

_Stupid_. I’m always doing stupid things.

I don’t think my head is clear, but I sigh and go inside anyway, not bothering to put off the fuss that I know will be made.

Hazelle opens the door as I approach, she has a sad smile on her face, but welcomes me into her warm arms.

“Sorry,” I mumble into her shoulder.

“It’s ok,”

I can tell she has more to say, but she stops. Instead telling me that Posy made them hold-up dinner for me. Something else I apologise for.

Years ago I liked Thanksgiving, this is the year I hate it the most.

 

 

I don’t want to sit down to eat with everyone, but my guilt over the trouble I’ve caused overrides everything else and I end up forcing food down. It’s all delicious, as I’d expected, and I compliment Posy on her cooking skills, which thrills her.

Once it’s deemed acceptable I excuse myself upstairs and I can finally have some alone time.

 

 

~~~

 

 

The sky is pitch black now and I sit with Madge’s handmade photo album in my hands. I’ve been here by the window since I came up after eating. And thankfully I’ve been left alone.

I think it might be time to look at the photographs that Madge took at the hospital. She put them in this album to keep them safe for me, and I know she has backup copies in case in a fit of rage I rip these up. Unfortunately, that’s a possibility.

My fingers tremble as they grip the cover page, itching to turn it. What worries me is that the picture I’ve kept and built of Ruby in my mind is wrong – that looking at the photos will show me that my mind has lied to me. _That I’ve been lying to myself_. I don’t know if I could handle that. I take two deep breaths and let the album fall open.

The first page I see has a nameplate, when I run my fingers over it, I can tell it is hand embroidered, and there are tiny ruby gems sewn into it too. ‘ _Ruby Everdeen_ ’ is central and her birth and death dates are in a small print at the bottom of the page. My breath catches as my fingers trace over the font. I feel silly that it does. I’m starting to think that it’s not normal, that nothing I’m doing or have done is normal.

The next page has my eyes blurring, and it’s not even photos. They’re copies of Ruby’s footprints and handprints. I didn’t know they were taken. Suddenly I feel differently, it’s not the grief I am used to. I can’t tell what this emotion is, but I think it might be some form of happiness that I have this.

Things turn and my heart stops as I flip the page over. It’s Ruby in her incubator. My eyes scan the photo rapidly, I _think_ this is what I’ve been imagining. I’m relieved. Underneath, Madge has written a neat line, ‘Baby Ruby, 31st July 11:59PM, 5 minutes old.’

“Wow …” I whisper. I didn’t see her until she was almost a day old. This is a whole new opportunity for me. Madge saw her so young, she didn’t even tell me any of this. Although I don’t think I would have appreciated it if she had said anything at the time. As I go through the next 6 or 7 pages I can tell Madge was with her the whole time, there’s almost hourly photos and different angles.

I find tears falling and I wipe at them so I don’t ruin the album. These tears are better than those I’ve been shedding since the summer, I seem to be taking the steps everyone wants me to take.  But it seems so fast, and I certainly don’t feel like I’m trying to do anything at all.

I want to pull myself together to get through all the pictures. I set the album gently on the floor and get up from the armchair, stretching my limbs. I pace around the room a few times, having a break. I draw the curtains shut and turn on the table lamps before I take my seat again and pick the album back up.

I don’t hesitate too much on the pictures until I get to the last set, the 9th of August, Ruby’s last day. The woman in the pictures doesn’t look anything like me, I have to look twice to check it _is_ me. In the first few pictures, Ruby is either still in the incubator or being prepared to be taken out. But I stop when I see Nurse Tilly, I hadn’t even remembered her until this moment, with Ruby in her arms between the incubator and myself. The next photo shows me holding Ruby for the first time. I can’t believe this photo exists.

My heart swells and it’s joy that I feel, the tears that slip out now still aren’t filled with sadness. As I look through the next pictures my eyes are desperate to take in each detail – I don’t even remember Madge taking this many pictures, but I’m glad she did. When I get to the end I sit and breathe deeply, realising that this year I am thankful for these photos at least.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's been a fortnight since the last update, work has been very busy and tiring =( But seeing comments and kudos' on my updates really does make me smile and they are so much appreciated!
> 
> I think this chapter is a big step forward for Katniss in a few ways, and some (most) of you will be happy that this is the last major time she'll be spending with Gale for a while. For me Katniss has started straightening out her understanding of her and Gale's relationship, but he isn't quite there yet - he may be better than the last chapter, but he certainly is quite blinded to a lot of things. As I wrote this as a Katniss-centric story, I don't plan on a huge focus on Gale's journey, but it's something I'd consider doing as a second part or something in the future.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, a little (I mean like really tiny) first glimpse of a certain someone there - he makes his big appearance a few chapters down the road, so please hang on in there! Katniss wouldn't have been ready at this point in time to meet Peeta and with all her feelings, emotions and confusion, and she's not in a happy place yet to be meeting anyone, which is why I haven't included him so far.
> 
> Happy weekend everyone x


	12. Chapter 11 - The next move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss moves on from the Thanksgiving holiday and makes some important decisions and steps to move into the future.

 

 

I take Posy out to the sales that she wants to visit, but I pack my bag up when we arrive back at the house. I don’t let Posy see this, she’s gotten very attached to me, she likes having me here.

“You don’t have to leave, Katniss!” It sounds like Hazelle is pleading with me. I shake my head.

“I do, I’m seeing a little clearer now, if I don’t leave now …” I shrug, and then continue “I don’t think I can handle the anxiety that comes from the possibility of running into Gale. I’m sorry.” I apologise. I don’t feel like I should be, I’m not enforced to be here. And Gale is the one who needs to be apologising to me … but although Gale hasn’t done well by me, he is still Hazelle’s first born.

I’m apologising for his mistakes, again.

 

Hazelle sighs, “Are you sure? You’re feeling better?”

“Yes. And no.” My mind is made up though. I don’t want to change it now. The pictures influenced make to take this step, and I think I know the next one I need to take. It’s one I said I would never do, but … I don’t know, people seem to think it’s best. And it’s been well established that I can’t judge that for myself. I need to talk, I think.

“I’ll can still call you,” I offer her. She readily nods and I make a mental note to remember to try and do so. I’m not sure I will though.

 

I break the news to Posy at the dinner table, and I’m keeping it short by planning to leave soon after.

“But why, Katniss? I like having you here! And you have your own room!” She whines, standing up and slamming her little palms against the table surface.

Hazelle tries to seat her again and attempts to calm her with a firm look and stern voice, but she’s not having any of it. It does give me a small pleasure to see her arguing my corner and liking me more than her eldest brother so much, but her mannerisms are so _him_.

“This is your home though, Posy, not mine. I live with my friend Madge right now, and it’s time to go back there. It’s only across the town, I can still see you. I could come here or you could come and see me and Madge.”

This doesn’t placate her at all. She folds her arms and has a large frown on her face. I gesture for her to come over to me, and very reluctantly she does. I pull her onto my lap and tightly wrap my arms around her. I think I hear a sniffle before her arms come up and hold onto me. She really loved having me here, I don’t think I realised that before.

“I love you, Katniss,” she whispers. I close my eyes and nuzzle into her sweet smelling hair, I have to push back memories of Prim and dreams or hopes I have of my daughter.

 

After I’ve tucked Posy into bed I pull on my boots and coat. Gale hasn’t said much about all this, and he still doesn’t. He sits by the fireplace with a beer in hand and gives me a nod as I go to leave. I guess we’ll be talking more in the future, there’s still things we need to sort through. Neither of us are there yet though. It infuriates me that he can’t admit he was wrong about anything.

I go to Hazelle last. She’s at the door, a bag of leftovers in her arms. She puts them down to give me the warmest, most caring hug I’ve had in a long while. She does very well holding in her emotions.

“I’ve told you before, you’re my oldest daughter, you come back any time you need, you hear me?”

I agree to her request, despite my reservations, before picking up my bag and taking the leftovers. She pushes some cash into my hand as I step onto the porch and see a cab waiting. I give her another quick goodbye and walk down the path quickly to get this over with.

 

 

The lights are dim in Madge’s house when the cab pulls up. I pay the driver and pull my bag out of the cab behind me. I take a breath before making my way up the path, bracing myself for what might come – even though I doubt it’s anything bad.

I let myself in and quietly close the door behind me. I leave my bag at the bottom of the stairs and go on into the living room. There’s a fire burning in the fireplace and the room has a warm and welcoming feel. Madge looks up from her book where she sits on the sofa, and a wide smile appears on her face.

“Hey, welcome home!” she says, standing and pulling me to her for a hug. I relax into her and feel happier to be back here than I thought I would.

She doesn’t say anything about Thanksgiving, for which I’m glad, but I make a mental note to ask about hers later. We talk about what’s been going on the past few weeks that I’ve been away.

“I’ve done very little, talked with Hazelle a bit. Posy has become quite attached to me, probably too much, she put up a fuss about me coming back here. I think there might have to be a few sleepovers, I guess I forgot what it’s like at 10. It all reminded me of Prim, but … it was still nice.”

“I’m glad you seem to have had a good time.”

I nod along with her, “It was a good break, I think maybe I’d been cooped up in here too long with just my mind. Even just walking Posy home from the bus gave me something else to think about. Also I’d like to think I’m better at cooking now.”

“You can make dinner then, I’ll expect only the best!” she jokes. But it’s clear she wants me to tell her more about my time at the Hawthorne’s.

“Gale was there this week.” I avoid looking at Madge and take great interest in my bitten back nails. “He’s changed, not much or particularly in my favour, but he’s definitely been doing some thinking. Hazelle sat us down, tried to tell us what we don’t see for ourselves.”

Madge is listening along intently and nodding appropriately.

“He still doesn’t understand what it was like or anything from my point of view, but I think it was pointless trying to get him to in the first place.”

“I don’t know whether you want me to tell you that he’s not worth it, he’s not by the way, or if you’re wanting him to come around.” Madge tells me honestly, which I very much appreciate.

“I don’t know what I want either,” I smile at her, “but Hazelle said a lot that I’ve been thinking about.”

“That’s good then, yes? Some progression forwards?” She suggests.

“Maybe, I’m confused about a lot of things though, and she came up with some rubbish too, about my strength. I don’t see how she sees any strength in me at all, I’m barely a shell of a person-” I’m stopped by Madge’s hand on my arm.

“You should look at yourself more thoroughly, you _are_ strong, the strongest person I know. Hazelle is very right.” She looks me in the eye and has a smile on her face. Like she’s finally gotten me to realise something, only I haven’t and I still don’t believe what either say about this strength malarkey. I manage to scoff and play off the comment with a small laugh.

She shakes her head, “Have more confidence in yourself! You’ve been through so much and you’re still standing, and you’re making improvements day by day, you got through the hardest holiday and you seem to have made so many good steps all on your own. You are strong and you’ll only get stronger, you’ll see!”

As I listen to her words I realise that some of it is partially true, a smile dawns on my face and my lips turn up just slightly.

“Thank you,” I tell Madge and take her hand in mine to grip in appreciation.

 

 

~~~

 

 

I’m feeling fairly refreshed when I wake in the morning. My sleep was probably one of the most restful I’ve had since I can remember.

When I look around the room in the morning light though, the space is filled with memories and feelings. Ones that I don’ really want to be haunted by, at least for a little while. I work my eyes around all the stuff slowly, and try to mentally prepare a list with the goal to clear out the room and make it a more pleasant atmosphere. One that I can have clear of maybe just some of the past.

Right now I can’t seem to get past the action of making the list. Actually doing tasks on it will need a whole lot of something else.

 

Madge is back at work today and is long gone. So it’s just me on my own. Madge didn’t check on me before leaving, I must be trusted on my own now. She must think I’ve made some steps in the right direction.

 

It’s close to lunchtime when I eventually get out of bed and wrap myself up warmly in my robe. I push the curtains back from the window and am met with a now clouded sky and rain splattered across the glass. My face falls and I worry that this is the start of a bad season of weather that might affect my mood. A small amount of bright light shines through some of the clouds and I look to this for hope.

I go downstairs and put a slice of bread in the toaster and pour myself a glass of milk for breakfast. I eat and decide I need to come up with something to do today. I want to have something on my mind to think about other than … well what my mind _has_ been on.

My initial feeling is that I should go outside. I don’t think I can stay in here right now. But where should I go? I can’t think of anywhere that I particularly want to visit or that doesn’t bring me certain memories. I try and dig through my thoughts to think of what I used to do in happier times, but nothing springs to the forefront of my mind. It does bring a slight disappointment.

I sit down in the middle of the sofa and hope something might just come to me.

 

 

My body jolts forward. My eyes snap open. I fell asleep. There’s a blanket bundled on my lap which I must have dislodged when I woke up. I assume Madge is home then. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, and I don’t even feel rested after it. Despite still feeling a sadness, I feel an ache of annoyance at myself. I wanted to do better and so far all I’ve done is sleep.

I pull the blanket off my legs and lap and dump it on the seat next to me, then get up stretching my stiff body. I can hear Madge quietly moving around the kitchen so I go on through to join her.

“Need any help?” I say.

She jumps a little as she turns around to see me. “I didn’t even hear you! Sorry if I woke you.”

I shake my head, I’m not sure what woke me actually, if it was a nightmare I don’t remember it, but it definitely wasn’t Madge’s movements.

She refuses my help for putting away the groceries she’s bought, so I put the kettle on for tea then sit at the dining table.

“I had plans today, I thought I might do something, but I feel asleep on the sofa without warning. I didn’t think I was tired enough to fall asleep when I sat down.” I sigh, musing where I went wrong today.

“We could go for a walk later, it’s not raining anymore.”

I don’t really like the idea of going out though, and Madge can see the hesitation on my face.

“Or you could just make a plan for tomorrow? Give you something to look to from now rather than wait until the morning.”

I like the sound of that much more. We think of some ideas over our mugs of tea, then I agree to start on dinner.

 

I end the evening deciding that I’ll walk and meet Madge for her lunch break tomorrow. And we’ll go to a café or somewhere to buy lunch. I’ll be social. The whole concept makes my heart pound – what if I run into someone I know?

But I do know I need to take a step, and going out is something I’ll need to do eventually, so I’m just a tad pleased I’ll get it over with now and make this next move.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update! Again thank you so much for reading and leaving your comments/kudos' etc. and sticking with it! I think most of you will be happy with the steps and choices Katniss is making in this chapter and I hope it really moves the story on.  
> And you'll get a little break from Gale for a while, which I think is good for us all =)
> 
> Have a good weekend xx
> 
>  
> 
> Oh, also! I'm on tumblr, I keep forgetting to put that in here - I have possibly the longest username ever, but come find me at bakersgonnabakebakebakebakebake.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 12 - He makes me smile and laugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss makes decisions on how she should proceed with her future, and Madge injects a little something of a surprise into their lives.

 

 

The phone is ringing. Madge has been at work for a few hours and I’m planning on leaving soon to go and meet her for lunch. I don’t want to answer the phone.

There’s no caller ID, it could be anyone that I don’t want to speak to. So I watch as it rings onto the voicemail service and listen as it asks the caller to leave a message.

I go to step away and finally dress to go out when I hear a familiar voice ringing out from the machine.

“Hello, my name is Effie Trinket and I’m looking for Katniss Everdeen … ”

My body freezes and I block out the words ringing throughout the house. Memories of social worker Effie talking me through Ruby’s health and details and then talking to me after her death. I never thought I would have to think of her again.

“… if you need anything, _anything_ at all don’t hesitate to call me back on this number.”

She finishes her spiel and hangs up. My face scrunches up. I had been telling myself I didn’t need anything, _anything at all_ , but I’m supposed to be taking steps forward. I take deep breathes, wondering if this is a step forward that I’m meant to take and not keep pushing away? Am I meant to take it even if it’s something I don’t want?

This is too much thinking for right now, so I attempt to push Effie’s message to the back of my mind – I’ll listen to it with Madge later – and set about getting ready to go to lunch.

 

I’m presentable a surprisingly short while later and leave with plenty of time to walk to Madge’s office a few miles away across the city.

I text Madge when I arrive and wait outside on the steps of the building. She bustles out a few minutes later wrapping a large woollen scarf around her neck, then quickly tucks her arm in with mine and marches us along the street.

The café we enter is fairly busy, being in a popular business zone of the city, but we find a table for two easily. I’m glad we’re tucked away in the back corner, and next to the café’s new Christmas tree waiting to be decorated. The smell of the pine needles is like heaven to my senses.

Our order is taken quickly and we’re eating soon enough. Madge brought us here on recommendation from a colleague and I have to admit that I’m having a nice time. The food is good, some of the first I feel like I’m enjoying. And I’m also enjoying some time out of a house.

“It’s good here,” I say to Madge as I finish the last of my soup, “we could come back some time.”

She smiles and agrees with me, “Apparently the afternoon tea menu is good too, they get their cakes and breads from a bakery that I used to visit when I was little. One of the kids was in my dance class, too.” She muses. I can’t think of a response for her, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Ballet lessons were something Prim always wanted to do, but it was an expense we couldn’t afford.

 

Eventually we head back towards Madge’s building. She thanks me for coming to meet her before heading to the front door.

“Oh!” She calls after me just a second later, “I’ll be home a little later than usual, don’t wait for me to eat!” She waves and is inside her building in a flash without waiting for a response. I have no bother with her coming home late, she can do what she likes with her own time.

I don’t think about it any longer. The skies are turning darker and it looks likely to rain, so I head on down the right road back to Madge’s. I just about get there when the drizzle starts and begins to dampen my fairly decent afternoon. In fact I only remember Effie’s call when I’m in the hall and see the phone buttons flashing. I ignore it and change back into my pyjamas, gathering up a throw from the bedroom closet.

I’m making myself comfortable on the sofa when the rain starts to batter against the windows. I shiver involuntarily and consider starting a fire in the fireplace. It would be a lot of effort that I don’t think I have though, so I settle for wrapping up on the sofa and rubbing my arms to bring some warmth. I rest my head back against a pillow and listen to the drumming rain, which lulls me into a light sleep.

 

 

I’m still dozing when I hear Madge pull up into the drive. And it’s still raining outside too. I ready myself to get up and lie about spending the whole afternoon and early evening on the sofa asleep. But Madge still hasn’t come in after a few minutes.

I get up anyway and peak through the front window, she’s leaning into the backseat of her car. What is she doing?

I open the front door and call out to her.

“Katniss!” She shouts, pulling back out of the car, her face is lit up with a bright smile, “Come see!”

I glance out at the rain and wet ground then to my socks. I decide to go to her anyway, I can wash my socks. I move quickly, although neither of us have an umbrella so I won’t stay dry for long. When Madge squeezes over to let me in at her side my eyes widen in shock.

There’s a furry body cowering in the backseat, as far away from Madge s possible. A dog. And it looks like a young one, a puppy or just a few years old.

Madge leans forward again, “Toby, look it’s Katniss, come to Katniss!” she tries to coax him and it’s obvious he’s not having any of it. She reaches an arm forward and he backs away a little more. “It’s ok, you can come out!” Her voice is softer now.

She leans back and stands next to me, “He was really friendly when I was at the pound, they said he’s good with new people. Oh, and house trained, that’s an important one!” I nod along with her words, trying to decide how to question this situation.

“Madge, why do we have a – Toby? We don’t need a dog.”

“Isn’t he so cute? And he has the silkiest fur!” Her voice has a dreamy quality, she’s not letting this one go easily.

I look back to the dog, _our_ dog, I suppose. He has a typical ‘puppy-dog’ expression, it’s gentle and kind. Madge does seem to be right about his fur too, it _does_ look soft and luxurious. I think he’s a Border Collie. I sigh and slide into the backseat of the car. Toby’s expression turns into one of suspicion. I move slowly, trying not to startle him, and stretch my palm out for him to sniff. His curiosity overrides his worries about us and eventually his wet nose is nuzzling against my fingers.

“Aww, he likes you!” I turn back to Madge at her exclamation. She looks delighted.

After a few more minutes Toby is in my arms and on his way inside with me while Madge grabs the pet supplies she bought. She’s clearly had this planned out for a while now.

I kneel down and place the dog on the rug in the middle of the living room. He just sits and looks between us, then just at Madge as my gaze lands on her and stays there.

“What?” Madge turns to me. I can see the tiniest of smiles on her face.

“A dog? Really?” I ask.

“I’ve always wanted a pet, we can look after him together!” She says with excitement. “He needed a home, and we have one to offer!”

I sigh, and doubt I can get out of this now. I look back to the dog – Toby – who very much looks like he wants us to love him. I can see he looks soft and friendly, but … I don’t know. Something in the back of my mind doesn’t like the idea so much. Madge will be at work, I’ll have to look after him during the day and walk him-

“This is all a ploy, isn’t it?”

I don’t need to continue before the guilty smile creeps onto Madge’s face and she raises her hands.

“Guilty! But it’s all in the best intentions. He’ll be a good friend for _us_ , I promise!”

She’s trying so hard, and that guilt I had lost is starting to come back. In the end I agree to let him stay then busy myself with bending down and speaking to Toby while rubbing behind his ears. From the corner of my eye I can see Madge looking over the sofa where I had spent my afternoon. Having a dog is like a glimmer of hope for her that I’ll start to do better.

 

I make some pasta for our dinner and stir in a jar of sauce before serving it up. Meanwhile Madge decides what flavour of food the dog might want and talks to him in a giddy excited voice as she does. I think it’s a bit ridiculous, but I won’t stop her fun.

“There’s a message on the machine for me. It was Effie before I left this afternoon – could you listen to it with me?” I ask as we eat. I need someone to ground me to hear the whole message, to hear what Effie wants from me. Although I’ve tried not to think about it, a few scenarios have run through my mind as to why Effie has called. I just want to hear the message now I think.

Madge doesn’t even respond but gets up to play the recording.

 

Effie wants to see how I am, maybe to meet up at some point. That was it, nothing _too_ scary, but the thought of meeting up is daunting.

“I’ll think about it,” I tell Madge after a few moments of deliberation in my mind.

“How about you set a goal – make your mind up by the weekend.” She suggests, and I decide it seems like a good idea. I’ll need to think it through carefully, although not right now. I still have a few days, but I think I’m happy with making the decision in that time.

 

I change the subject soon by going back to the topic of our new furry friend.

“So is Toby going to be sleeping through here in the kitchen? Just in case of accidents?” I ask.

Madge shrugs, “I don’t know, I thought he might want to sleep with one of us, or both of us, so he knows we’re here for him.”

I think it sounds silly, but Madge has a serious tone and I know this is what she really thinks. We end up agreeing to see at the time, although I really don’t want to have to get up in the middle of the night to let him out into the garden to relieve himself.

In the end Toby sleeps between the two of us, and I get up to let him out, twice.   

 

 

~~~

 

 

“Hello, can I make an appointment with Effie please?” I ask over the phone. I actually decided fairly quickly that maybe speaking with Effie is a step I am to take in moving forward. I’m making an appointment anyway, and I am telling myself I can cancel it or not say anything to her if I decide at that moment in time.

The receptionist glosses over a few available appointment times and I randomly pick one in the middle of next week. Madge will be pleased at my decision when I tell her over dinner tonight.

Once I put the phone back on the charger, Toby has made his way to my side with his leash. It’s almost 5pm and he’s only been out for the toilet today. I need to take him for a walk. I rub the fur behind his ears.

“Ok boy, give me ten minutes.”

He follows me upstairs and sits patiently while I quickly shower and dress in jeans and a few layers of knitwear. The weather has gotten colder over the last few days so I tug on a hat and scarf when I pull my coat off the stand by the door. I finally clip the leash onto Toby’s shiny new collar and praise him for being good today and not putting up too much of a fuss over waiting for his walk.

We walk around the land surrounding Madge’s house within her father’s property then head towards the park so I can let him have a good run around. If he’s not exhausted Madge will know I haven’t taken good care of him. Because Madge is at work I have to look after Toby – this was her plan all along, that a dog would keep me busy. It has, but I think Toby understands me well and knows where I’m at right now. I’m really starting to like him a lot more.

Once we’re in the park Toby is quick to find sticks for me to throw for him to collect. It’s quite funny when he thinks he can carry branches much larger than his own body. He makes me smile and laugh a little, and for that I am grateful for him.

After the light wanes completely I whistle to Toby to come back to me. He appears to be pretty obedient and comes speeding up to me not long after I’ve called for him. I’m starting to think Madge picked a good ‘un. I clip on the leash again and we trudge back the way we came to get home.

 

 

~~~

 

 

My hands are shaking as I pour the dog food into the bowl and place it down for Toby. My appointment with Effie is today and I’m still undecided if I want to go or not. I probably should.

Madge has already gone to work, so I need to make this decision myself. I’m pacing the kitchen when a furry presence appears and sticks tightly to my left leg. When I look down I can see that Toby understands something is wrong, he can tell I’m nervous.

This understanding that our dog has is something I’ve been thinking about since we got him. I don’t know much about dogs, we just had our mangy cat growing up, but do all dogs have this? Are they all compassionate and so perceptive to our emotions? These thoughts need to be for another day though, I have other things to think about.

I kneel down to his level, “What do I do, boy?” and I ruffle his fur a little.

He shuffles closer to me and puts his front paws in my lap then tucks his head into my neck. I close my eyes and breath in his now-familiar doggy smell. I’m getting more comfort from this than I have from anything in such a long time. And he doesn’t pull away from me either. When I eventually do I look into his eyes and he cocks his head to the side.

“I should go, that’s what you’re saying?”

I feel mad talking to a dog, but … well it’s doing something right.

 

I have to leave him here for the appointment but I make sure he has plenty of food and water and has been outside for a good run around the garden and to relieve himself. Then I grab my coat and scarf and lock the door up before stepping into the harsh wintery winds.

 

Effie’s office is in part of the hospital. It hasn’t even occurred to me yet that I’d be back here. And standing at the entrance I have to take deep breaths before deciding to go in. I feel silly that this is a tough decision for me to make. August was months ago, I shouldn’t still be feeling these raw emotions, I should have moved on …

I bite back the tears and take careful steps towards the right entrance for Effie – at least she’s not near the maternity or neonatal units, but I still see mothers, new and old, as I make my way to the correct waiting area. This is more painful than I ever thought it might be.

 

 

“Miss Everdeen? Effie will see you now.” The receptionist calls across the seating area. I give her a nod before getting up and moving down the corridor to Effie’s office.

The door is open when I get there. And I’m not surprised that it has pink walls and an array of pastel coloured furniture and décor pieces – it’s exactly like Effie. I go inside and clear my throat a little just in front of Effie’s desk where she has her head down in some papers.

“Oh, Katniss dear, here you are!” She exclaims and pushes back from her seat, rushing around the desk to great me in a hug. “I’m so glad you came!”

I’m not sure that _I_ feel glad about it though. It’s only made me think and remember things so far just by being here today. I don’t give Effie any response and she gives me a small smile before going to close the door and offering me a seat on a sofa across the room. Then she comes and joins me, and just looks at me.

“It’s been a few months now, since you lost Ruby.” She starts, “How have you been doing?”

I kind of don’t want to say anything, but I came here today, that must mean I have _something_ to get out. I go to shrug, but stop and speak instead. “I don’t know. Better now.”

Effie’s expression is full of understanding as she nods with my words. “That’s good Katniss. Have you been working through your feelings and emotions? I know that last time we spoke you weren’t wanting to discuss what you’d been through, has this changed for you?”

That’s a lot of questions to think about all at once.

“I feel better now,” I repeat, though this won’t placate Effie, she’ll keep asking about feelings, “but I’m not happy. I don’t think I can be happy again, but sometimes I feel moments of … contentment.”

Effie doesn’t say anything, she just keeps looking, so I think I have to keep talking.

“Madge got us a dog,” I say suddenly, unsure where this random comment came from, “I quite like him, I think he likes me.” I offer up. This probably isn’t what Effie wants to talk about.

“Oh dogs are ever such fun! I’ve always had dogs, I’ve just gone one Chihuahua now, but she’s a little poorly so she needs all my focus! What breed is your new companion?”

That’s an unexpected question, or route for our discussion, but I go on and tell her about Toby. In return she tells me all about her own dog, Diamond. I almost laugh because it seems like a silly name for a dog, but when she finds me a picture from her desk with the little dog covered in rhinestone encrusted clothing, I see it makes sense.

“I’ve seen Gale.” I say, briskly changing the subject, then add “Ruby’s father.”

“Oh?” questions Effie, her expression turning more serious again. I don’t like it.

“I’ve been depressed before.” I tell her. “Years ago, I mean. I’ve always been sad, it’s just … normal. Now I’m just more sad. Gale came to see me after the baby should have been due. He had no clue, he hadn’t listened to a single message, he knew nothing. He made me worse. His mother tried to help out – she’s always been kind.”

I see Effie making a few notes before she looks up.

“So you get along well with his family then?”

“Yes, sort of” I admit, “his mother looked after me when I first started going downhill back in college. She’s welcomed me at their holiday celebrations. She – she made clothes and blankets and toys for Ruby …” my voice trails off.

“His little sister is fond of me, she’s ten.” I say after a few minutes of quiet. “But now she reminds me of my own sister – I don’t know how to feel about that.” I rub my hands through my loose hair, “I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore.”

Effie’s hand pats my arm, “That’s alright, Katniss. You have been through a traumatic ordeal, and it wasn’t long ago. You’ve been through a lot in your past too, it will certainly add to the confusion and emotions that you are feeling. Lots of women, in fact, most women seek some sort of help after going through the loss of a child. You’ve been dealing with it all on your own.”

But I’m doing it on my own by choice, I think, or am I? I wouldn’t be alone if my family were still here, I suppose, but Madge has been there for them instead. I listen to Effie’s words, and find myself reminded of when I looked online to find out about lactation.

“When my milk came through, I looked online for help. I read lots of comments from women in my situation.”

Effie agrees with me, “Yes, online forums and blogs can be great sources when a woman becomes new to this loss. They can be great communities, and you can form good friendships. Did you join in with the women?”

I shake my head, “It was at the time of Ruby’s burial, I … I wasn’t in the right place to talk about things then. I might be in a better place now.”

“Are you saying you might like to talk about things now? I can set you up on my regular schedule if that’s what you’d like. Or, if you want something a little less personal, not one-on-one, I run a group session once a week. There’s some regular ladies who’ve been coming along for a few years and then there’s some who come along once in a while, when they feel like a little chat about things. There’s usually about 5 or 6 ladies and myself, so it’s not too much really.”

I haven’t really thought about this before. I didn’t think about if something like this meeting had existed before. Sure Hazelle had mentioned going to one but I didn’t want it then.

“I’d prefer a group meeting,” I mumble, “Gale’s mother said she went to one after she had a miscarriage. It seemed to work for her.”

Effie notes to give me the details before I leave. I groan internally, I had hoped I could leave soon. I feel like I need fresh air.

“Can I ask about Gale’s mother for a moment?”

I have no objections, although I don’t know why she’d want to know anything about her.

“You didn’t want to call her when you were in the hospital or when you couldn’t get in touch with Gale?”

“I -” I’m speechless. I honestly hadn’t even thought about it at the time, or afterwards at all really. I press my fingers into my forehead and scrunch my eyes shut trying to remember why I didn’t think of Hazelle at the time.

“I don’t know. I didn’t remember.” I conclude after at least 5 minutes of hard thinking and peace.

“Did you think Gale was there with her, maybe that she had taken his side and didn’t want to see you?”

That was a thought that hadn’t crossed my mind, at all. I shrug my response, but Effie waits for me to say something. I don’t think I have anything for her though.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, and thank you for keeping reading with this latest chapter. It's a bit of a long one this time but there wasn't really an ideal time to split it into two! Katniss definitely makes huge leaps from her own decisions but she also has a lot of doubts and worries, namely about the right and wrong ways to grieve etc. - of course there is no right or wrong way but Katniss isn't quite there yet in terms of understanding. Plus definitely excellent questions raised to Katniss towards the end, they're things that Katniss will be thinking about for a while.
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos' and subscribes and bookmarks - it still amazes me that people are interested when I get every email notification^ xx


	14. Chapter 13 - This feels like a happy day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas approaches and Katniss fills her time preparing for her first holiday alone and with the dog making new friends.

 

It’s a week until Christmas, and it’s been a week since my meeting with Effie. She gave me a lot to think about, a lot _more_ to think about. After our meeting I walked home in a bit of a daze, which I stayed in until long after I’d gotten home, had a warm bath and lay in bed until Madge got home and shook a little sense into me along with Toby. I talked to her about my discussions with Effie and the questions she raised.

_“You don’t need to think about it all at once, take one thing at a time on your own speed. It’s fine, Katniss, she’s not trying to pressure you for answers I’m sure.”_ Madge told me. I do believe her, that there’s no pressure, but it’s still stress-inducing for me. The questions are always at the back of my mind.

 

Today I’m meant to be thinking about getting us a Christmas tree. I’ve gotten as far as having a shower and getting dressed for the weather, but I’m stuck deciding whether to take Toby and kill two birds with the one stone and get his walk out of the way. I don’t actually know where to go for a tree – Gale and I never had one in our apartment, we always spent the holidays with his family, which I don’t want to do this year.

 

An hour later I’ve decided that I’ll take Toby on his walk and we’ll scout out the nicest looking Christmas trees of what’s left. Maybe I’ll buy one if they can deliver it. My plan is fairly solid, I’m a little proud that I’ve come up with something very manageable. Madge should be home so I know I should get going. I bundle up in my outerwear and call Toby to the door. He’s waited very patiently for his walk today – I spent a lot of time in bed.

We walk briskly along the road into the main shopping area in this part of the city, and Toby is alert the whole time. I remember he’s not used to these streets, nor so many people and the bright lights that are strung between the lamp-posts. I make sure to hold him closely on the leash and not let him run too far in front of me or into the road. His pull on it keeps me grounded to my plan for this outing.

 

We’ve passed one group of slightly worn trees on a corner and are seeking out another when I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. It’s Madge.

“Hey,” I answer.

“Where are you? I tried the house and got no response.” She sounds a little anxious, I hate this.

“Looking for a tree, and I brought Toby for his walk. I think he’s enjoying the people, he’s made a few new friends.”

“Oh,” she sounds surprised, “I’m just about to leave the office, will I meet you? We could pick up dinner. Or maybe stop by the superstore, I think we could do with more dog food.”

“Sure,” I give her our current location and we decide to meet soon after I’ve scouted out another tree seller. Thinking about it makes me miss my childhood – my father took me out with him into the woods and we would choose our own tree and chop it down. He promised we could do it every year – that promise was broken after only a few.

 

I don’t find anything after ten or fifteen minutes and decide to re-think this search, maybe I’ll google something tomorrow or find a garden centre. I head across the neighbourhood to meet Madge near her office building. Toby gets more excited as we get closer, like he knows who we are meeting up with. I definitely think Madge is his favourite.

She’s waiting outside when we turn the corner and she crouches down to Toby’s level to make a fuss over him. He’s thrilled. We bundle into her car and head towards the superstore – first stop dog food, second stop dinner.

I feel bad leaving Toby in the car while we take our five minute trip into the store, so once parked, I bring him out and offer to wait at the door while Madge buys the right food.

 

I’m in a world within my mind when Toby suddenly starts barking and tugging at his leash. He’s wanting to head towards a man who has just left the store. He turns to the mad dog and smiles down to him, then rubs his ears. Great, _another_ new friend. In town I got away with saying we were busy so we could keep going and not talk, but I’m clearly waiting here and have no excuse.

“Hey bud, what’s your name?” The man asks Toby in a voice you’d talk to a child with. Then he looks to me, wanting his answer.

“Eh, Toby.” I say shortly, not wanting to make a conversation.

We’re quiet, and the man still looks at me.

“And what’s your name?” He asks after a few moments of Toby looking between us and wanting attention.

I hesitate. I don’t really care for strangers – but something pulls inside me, Toby likes him and clearly trusts him to stand here with us. Should I do too?

I squint my eyes a little, trying to judge what sort of person he looks like. He’s taller than I am (not difficult), and his hair is quite long, peeking out from his dark woollen hat. It looks blonde. In the dim light he also seems pale, but his expression doesn’t seem to be filled with ill intent. He just looks … pleasant. It’s unusual, it makes me suspicious.

“Katniss.” I tell him, if he does turn out to be a creep I don’t want to give him too much on me.

“It’s nice to meet you, Katniss. I’m Peeta.” He holds out his hand for me to shake, and after a moment of shock I take it in my own. His grip is firm yet he emanates warmth.

“You have a lovely dog.”

I can only nod.

“We just got him,” his face drops ever so slightly, oh god, what have I said? “He was a bit of a surprise, my roommate just brought him home one day.”

“A good surprise, I’d say though.” He adds with a smile.

“We won’t keep you, it’s cold. I’m sure you’ve got somewhere to be.” I tell him, unsure of how to end this conversation.

But he shakes his head with a smile, “No,” he seems too cheery, “My cousin bumped into an old friend inside, I think they’ll be a while. I was just going to wait in the car, but I could wait here.”

I don’t say anything in return.

“If you don’t mind, of course!” He stumbles a little on his words. How can I refuse him when he’s being so polite?

“It’s fine, but it’s rather cold, you might rather be in your car.” But Peeta disagrees with me, whatever, it’s his choice.

I can’t think of anything to say next to this stranger who Toby took a liking too. So I just stand awkwardly, biting my lips and fiddling with Toby’s leash in between my fingers. Meanwhile, Toby thinks this is great, having someone new to entertain him. He’s busy sniffing Peeta’s shoes and up the leg of his jeans.

“I haven’t seen you around this area before, are you new to the city?” He attempts to start a conversation. I try and think of an answer that will give the least routes to further questions.

I shake my head, “I’ve always lived in the city, but I just moved in with my friend a few months ago. She lives over this way.” I tell him, “And you?” I add for good measure. Madge will kill me if she finds me talking to a seemingly nice stranger and I’m not being nice back. She’s all for finding the good in everything.

“Yep, grew up nearby, stayed for college and then just stayed. I like it here though, I don’t feel the need to get away and try out somewhere new.”

_Oh god_ , he’s mentioned college, now I’m supposed to ask about that – the usual questions, what did he study, what does he do now – but that would open up my short college experience, and that’s not something for anyone’s ears.

“Oh, Katniss!” I’m brought out of my thoughts by the sudden appearance of Madge’s voice. She has the bags of dog food in her arms, but she’s not alone. She’s with another blonde, they look fairly alike.

“You’ve met Peeta, then!” this girl says. I look between them.

“My cousin, Delly. Yes, we met, and I met this lovely thing,” he rubs Toby’s ears again and Delly’s face has lit up at the sight. She’s filled with ‘awwww’s’ and kneels down to give her full attention to Toby.

Peeta looks a little reddened and he scratches at the back of his head. “Sorry, you might not get her away. She loves animals.”

“Delly and I were at dance class together, and we had some classes at college.” Madge explains to me. “We thought we might catch up at dinner this week,” I just nod at her plans, “you guys can come along. Get to know each other, we could make it a fun outing!” Madge then suggests with enthusiasm. I don’t like the sound of it at all, but the hopeful look on both her and Peeta’s faces makes me feel bad for even wanting to say no. I mumble a maybe, that’s all they’re getting for now.

We part ways after Madge and Delly have made their plans. Toby looks quite displeased that he’s had to leave Peeta, but something makes me think it won’t be the last we see of him.

 

 

 

“Toby took a real shine to Peeta, didn’t he?” Madge asks as we get out the car. I have our takeout from the local Italian restaurant and she has the dog food.

“He’ll like anyone who gives him the time of day.” I state plainly.

“What did _you_ think of Peeta, then? He’s a pretty nice guy.” She says, seemingly offhandedly. “And he’s not bad on the eyes either!” She flashes me a grin as she unlocks the door and Toby dashes inside past us into the warm house.

I didn’t look at him enough to see what she means. And it was dark and I didn’t want to talk to him.

“You’ve met him before then?” I say suddenly, thinking over her words.

“Yeah, a few times in college. I’ve hung out with him, he’s nice.” She’s not phased by me, or the fact that I’m not looking at it like she is.

“I see where you’re going with this, you can stop now before you get yourself in too deep.” I warn her. She wants to put me out there, meet new people.

“He could be a _friend_ , that’s all.” I pretend not to hear her when she adds, “For now,” to her sentence. I’m happy not meeting anyone for _anything_ right now.

The topic is dropped and we settle into our food with the television on in the background.

 

 

~~~

 

 

I pack the axe carefully into the back of Madge’s car. I’m going to go and get us a Christmas tree today. And I’m cutting it down myself.

I’m borrowing Madge’s car and heading off into the woods. Hopefully I’ll find the spot my father preferred but it’s been a long time since I’ve been out there.

I check I’ve got the ropes in the car and that I’ve packed enough layers and food for the whole day – I’m not sure how long my trip will take me. The drive is an hour and a half to the start of the woods, but I don’t know how long it will take me to find the right spot and tree then get it back to the car. It’s just about 10 o’clock, I’m glad to see I’ve made good time so far and I’ll be leaving once I’ve checked on Toby.

Fifteen minutes later I’m on the road and heading just outside the city limits. Even though there’s a cold breeze and a chance of snow, I open the front windows to let the fresh air in. It’s doing a good job clearing my mind a little. It’s letting some good memories of my father in, and I’m glad, for once, that they’re not pulling up so many saddening emotions. This feels like a happy day, and I’m pleased I’m making this trip.

 

The narrow roads and landmarks are starting to look familiar, and so I park in the first small parking area I come across. I take a look at the old maps that were my fathers to get a bearing of my location. I think it’s about a half an hour trek to my father’s favourite viewing point, I think I’ll maybe head up there first then come back to see about a tree afterwards.

I pull on my warm jacket and wrap my scarf around my neck before putting on my small backpack and ensuring the car is locked. There are no other cars around and I can’t hear any approaching as I take my path through the dense woodland. I’m happy that I’m unlikely to run into anyone.

I puff a little once I’m through the initial foliage and the woods have cleared into just trees. The path slopes up just a little and winds as it climbs up towards the viewpoint. My lungs burn after just five minutes, this should be an easy walk and I’m already out of breath. I guess I should try and get some fitness back soon; I could come out here more often. I stop to take a few gulps of my water before continuing my short hike.

I round the last bend after another thirty minutes of steady hiking. My lungs and legs are both done in, but the view is worth it. My mind and body scream with relief. I make the last few steps to the stone viewpoint and collapse onto it.

It’s a cold day, but the sky is clear and the sun shines bright on my face. I sit and breath it all in. I can hear birds chirping and tweeting among the trees – music I haven’t heard in a long time. I definitely need to make the trip back here again soon.

When I regain my breath and my heartbeat slows to a normal rhythm I stand and stretch my legs before taking advantage of all the views that this point offers. I can see far today, across the wide valley in the distance and through the deep woods that surround me. I leave looking at the city, albeit just a small area of it can be seen, until last, knowing I’ll have to return to it soon enough.

I sigh after a half hour up here and decide I must get on with my task for the day. The trip back down doesn’t take too long with the reinvigoration that being up at the viewpoint has given me. I scour the area a little to find a suitable tree but come up empty handed in this specific trail. I use the map to choose what looks to be a good route then fetch the equipment from the car.

 

 

 

It’s a long few hours, but I’m happy with my handiwork. I only had to walk about twenty minutes to find a tree that looked good and would fit in the space that Madge suggested in the living room. Once I chop it down I manage to wrap it as best I can to get it to the car in mostly one piece. It’s not too heavy, but I struggle all the same with my lack of physical exertion in the past months.

It takes me a lot longer to get the tree back to the car and tie it onto the roof. Securing it on is the easy job. I drive carefully back down the narrow track roads and make a quick detour to the forest rangers cabin to leave a donation for the tree.

Coming into the city the roads become busier, but I make it with the tree safely to Madge’s house. It’s late afternoon and she’s not back from work yet. I can hear Toby scratching at the door as soon as I’m out of the car. I mentally calculate the time’s he’s been alone and decide I’ll take him for a walk now. His bladder is probably also bursting.

I leave the tree and let Toby out first. He’s happy to see me, but does run over to the edge of the small patch of grass by the front of the house. I fetch his leash from the hall and lock up the house. Toby comes to me when I call and we start out on his walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello - if anyone is there! I apologise for the incredibly long time since my last update, work has been very hectic and I've been feeling a little writers block.
> 
> Katniss hasn't focused too much on her last meeting with Effie, but that's countered by a whole conversation with a certain someone^ I'm glad to finally have Peeta involved and I can't wait to share more with you.
> 
> Thanks again for comments/kudos'/likes etc etc - they mean so much and it really surprises me every time I get a notification!


	15. Chapter 14 - He's so genuine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss takes social steps that she couldn't imagine and makes early bonds with a special someone. At the same time she prepares for her first Christmas alone without family.

 

“That’s the last of them,” Madge tells me as she sets a third box down on the living room floor. They’re the Christmas decorations. Last night I got the tree inside and sorted it out a pot and spot in the corner, and this morning Madge got the decorations out for me to sort out before she heads off to work.

“I’ll be back by five to shower and get ready, and we’ll leave about six?” She then asks me. She’s meeting up with Delly and Peeta tonight, I’m meant to go too. I don’t want to, but I shrug anyway. I think Madge knows how I feel, but she nods and gets herself off to work. I’m left with boxes of Christmas decorations, a tree and a dog.

I shower, dress and sort the dog out with his walk first. I’m just delaying the inevitable though. The whole holiday season at Christmas was Prim’s thing. It was her favourite time of year and she loved absolutely everything about it. I let her have that joy, but as she’s gone, I’ve never taken on the feeling myself.

I sigh when Toby and I are back. It’s barely past nine so I haven’t succeeded in wasting much time. I make oatmeal and eat while watching the news. I can see the tree and boxes of decorations out of the corner of my eye the whole time.

I remind myself that these aren’t mine, they are Madge’s. They don’t hold any memories for me. Madge was indifferent about it when I asked her, _‘It gets it done, I don’t follow a pattern or theme or anything’_ she told me. I think it means _I_ need to get it done. I huff – I’m making a bigger deal of this than I should, I know that much. It’s silly, really. I am glad I can tell myself how I’m being though, that I’m not rational about some of my worries.

 

 

 

An hour later I’ve managed to untangle the string of lights. It’s disappointing when I plug them in and they don’t illuminate. And there’s no fuse bulbs or spares in the box. Toby comes sniffing over to see what the problem is. He’s been watching me for the past hour with great interest.

“I think we’re going out again,” I tell him. He jumps up, knowing instantly he gets another walk.

 

 

The nearest hardware store is only a ten minute walk away, and the owner is happy to let Toby come inside (a decision he might regret). With the light brand and old bulb in hand I search the shelf for what I need.

Toby’s sudden bark distracts me. He’s at the end of the aisle, a blonde man is patting his head. They both look to me, a smile breaking out on Peeta’s face.

“Katniss!” He greets me cheerfully. I paste a smile to my own face and manage a small hello.

“How are you?”

I shrug before asking about himself. It’s a surprise that his response is fairly similar.

“Ah, I see we’re both here for the same thing,” he nods at my hands then digs in his coat pocket, producing some light bulbs from a set. I smile a little – it’s not just us who’s left it late to decorate this year.

We both look through the products and come up with what we need before paying and heading out onto the street. We’re going in opposite directions.

“I’ll see you again tonight, yeah?” Peeta asks. He looks so genuine when he asks, though I’m not sure what I’ve done to give him the impression that I’m interesting or worth seeing.

I struggle to say no to his face, I bite my lips a little and fiddle with Toby’s leash in my hands. “Maybe” I stutter a little.

“It’ll be a good night, it would be good to see you. Again.”

I contemplate his words before giving him a coy smile and a small wave goodbye, then turn in my direction heading down the street.

I hear Peeta call ‘bye’ after me, but when I turn around he’s headed off himself.

 

 

The tree is done – or at least done to my standard. I’m sure Madge will rearrange things when she sees it, my decorating style is a little haphazard. But I’m now left with the afternoon to occupy myself until Madge gets home. I really wasn’t planning on going out tonight to meet Peeta and Delly, but seeing Peeta has put doubts in my mind.

I try to read a book from Madge’s selection, but it doesn’t hold my attention. Then I mindlessly stare at the television as I flip through the channels – daytime shows really are terrible.

I decide I could maybe look at Ruby’s picture again. I’m glad I’ve done it once, but I feel like now I’m prepared to remember her more often. I go upstairs and settle in bed. There’s information from Effie sitting on the bedside table, I should probably do something about that too.

I have Ruby’s album in my hands and I want to choose just one photo. I don’t do so much as glance at the ones that I flick past while heading towards the end of the book. I pull the one I’m after out of its holdings on the page. I have Ruby against my bare chest, I’m looking down at her and my expression is one of love and contains a joy that I don’t remember feeling. I wonder if I’m imagining the happiness that Ruby exudes by being in her mother’s arms.

When I shut my eyes I’m almost back in that moment. I can faintly hear the sounds of the NICU, I think I can feel the weight of my baby in my arms. I know it’s not real, but right now … it _is_. I dream for more moments exactly like this.

 

 

I wake with a jolt – not knowing what woke me nor realising that I had fallen asleep. My face is damp too, I’ve been crying in my sleep. I don’t recall any bad dreams so I can only assume that I didn’t have one? I don’t know – I rub my hands over my face a few times and check the time. It’s late afternoon. Madge will be home and I’m no closer to coming up with an excuse to _not_ go anywhere tonight. Having bumped into Peeta earlier I think I’ll just feel guilty not going – it’s looking more like _I’m_ the one talking myself into going.

 

 

I’ve already showered and dressed in jeans and a presentable sweater. Madge comes in the front door and calls out to me while I’d braiding my hair. I can hear her coming up the stairs, she looks surprised to see me in front of the mirror.

“You’re almost ready?” She asks. I nod, keeping my focus on my hair.

“Right well I’ll have a shower then get sorted.” I think she assumed she’d be fighting me tonight, she’s lucky that I’ve already had the argument in my head and made my decision.

 

 

I feel underdressed when I look at Madge’s outfit as we get into the cab. She’s wearing a fitted woollen dress with tights and heeled boots, very glamorous (by my standards more than hers though). I bite my lip to prevent myself from jumping from the vehicle and sprinting back inside. The driver halts those thoughts by pulling off down the driveway.

“Where is it we’re going?” I ask while gazing out the window at the passing Christmas lights in the street.

“One of Peeta’s family’s places, it only opened last month.” It dawns on me that I don’t know anything about Peeta at all, other than his name and his friendliness for our dog. I guess his family is in the restaurant business.

The cab pulls up on a busy street corner, although everyone seems to be gravitating towards one place. After Madge gets out it seems we’re headed there too. The queue is at least 5 parties long, but Madge grabs my hand and we slip past them and into the warm restaurant. Delly spots us and waves us over calling Madge’s name. They embrace in a hug and Delly pulls me in for one too – it’s awkward on my part but I think she greets everyone like this.

“Peeta had to lend a hand, he’ll be back in a minute.” She tells us. We settle into our seats and Delly and Madge get into conversation right away. I take the time to look around the room. There’s a bar along one side with a couple of stools, but most of the area is taken up by tables. There’s a few pillars wrapped in lights and several strands of ivy wind their way down the brick wall by the windows onto the street. It looks good, I conclude.

“Sorry ladies!” I turn my head to the empty seat at our table being filled by Peeta. He smiles at the three of us. It might be my imagination but it widens when he reaches me. I give him a demure smile in return. “When I stop by they like to get me in the kitchen, you’re lucky I got away when I did, I could have been there for hours!” He adds, I don’t know what he does, but I’m assuming it’s with food. I’m not confident to ask what he does to continue the conversation – it will only lead to him asking me about myself. That’s a can of worms I’m not opening.

I give him a nod, and he’s quickly drawn into Madge and Delly’s conversation. I don’t even know what it’s about. Instead I focus on my menu, which looks pretty good. Food is something I have forgotten about in the past few months, when it used to be something I loved …

“What are you thinking of getting, Katniss?” I look up to Peeta. He’s shuffled a little away from the conversation between Delly and Madge.

I shrug, “It all sounds nice,” I tell him, “maybe a pizza.” I add, glancing at the list of choices they have. “What about you?” I ask at the last minute before the silence gets awkward.

“The pizzas _are_ good,” he says, smiling and keeping his eyes on me. “I’ll apologise now, though, I’m getting the spaghetti, it’s a little messy!”

“At least I’m not wearing white!” I manage a joke back, glancing down at my dark green sweater.

“Very true! But really, you’ll have to excuse my manners when I eat, I wasn’t kidding about the mess I will make!” He makes me smile, genuinely, back at him.

I don’t get to say anything further. A waitress stops by taking our drink and food order. Madge and Delly go green and cocktails, Peeta and I choose carbs and soft drinks. I have no qualms about my enjoyment of pizza and pasta.

 

 

Conversation with Peeta isn’t bad. It’s not like either of us have any other option though – Madge and Delly are stuck together, laughing, giggling and smiling in their chat. Peeta and I have no idea what they’re discussing. He was right about his eating habits though, there’s sauce on all around his mouth, I can’t help but let out a small laugh at him. He glances up at me and smiles, thankfully with his mouth closed.

“You knew what you were getting into – I warned you!”

I nod, “You did. And you were right, the pizza is good.” I’ve worked my way through half of it but I’m feeling full. I haven’t had an appetite for a long time. “I think I might have to have my leftovers to go though, it’s very filling.” I add, not wanting to seem rude by not finishing my meal in his family’s restaurant.

“I’ll let you off with that one, but you really don’t want to miss out on the dessert. My specialty.” He says. He has me intrigued, I do have a sweet tooth, but again it’s not something I’ve enjoyed recently.

I shrug, “We’ll see,” I say, smiling.

 

 

Soon enough we’ve split the bill, after much arguing from Peeta that it’s on the house, and we’re heading outside into the bitter winter night air.

“One last drink?” Delly says, I think it’s just to Madge but she directs it at all of us. Madge happily agrees, while Peeta shakes his head.

“Early morning for me, I’m afraid.”

They’re looking to me, “Em, I don’t really fancy it either.” I can’t tell what Madge is thinking, whether she wants me to go with them or not, but I am exhausted, it’s been a long day. I’m ready to go home now.

Madge and Delly head off, arm in arm, towards a nearby bar, leaving Peeta and myself on the street corner. It’s a little awkward, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him, I don’t really even know him.

“I’m, eh, this way,” I say, cocking my head in the right direction down the street. I’m trying to think of what to say next when he does that for me.

“Come on, my car’s just down here, I’ll give you a lift.” He’s so genuine in his offer – it doesn’t seem like he’s making it because he feels bad for me that I would have to walk in the cold. I hesitate for only a few moments before agreeing and following him towards his vehicle.

There’s no small talk other than the directions I give to get to Madge’s property. He stops the car completely as he comes into park at her front gate. I unbuckle my seatbelt and go to open the door when Peeta speaks up.

“You had a good time?”

I nod, not looking towards him.

“Maybe we should meet up again some time?”

He must see my hesitation or anxiety in my face or in my hand reaching for the door again.

“Try out some more of our food, another of our restaurants?”

My hand is on the door handle when I shakily respond, “Maybe, I’ll come more hungry next time.” I indicate the box of leftover pizza in my hand before realising I’ve just committed myself to a further social engagement.

“Bye,” I say with a small smile, still not meeting Peeta’s eyes, then step out of the car.

“Goodbye, happy holidays!” Peeta tells me in return. The holiday spirit and joy is evident in his tone, and when I glance around he has a grin on his face. I bid him the same, although without the same smile, before heading inside.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh thanks for hanging around (if you have) another month for an update, I've been v. busy with life - it's just been one of those months at work where everything happens at once!  
> Some big steps for Katniss this time and she spends more time being social, with quite a focus on Peeta - who Katniss isn't quite sure what to think of just yet.
> 
> Hopefully my next chapter will be sooner, there's definitely some more developments for Katniss coming quite soon.
> 
> Thank you again for kudos, comments, likes, bookmarks, all that jazz - it's all so appreciated and I love hearing your take on the chapters =D
> 
> xx


	16. Chapter 15 - Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is a tricky time for Katniss and it approaches quickly for her this year where she has less than she thought she would.

 

 

These pizza leftovers _are_ good. That is my only thought this morning. I’m savouring them because afterwards I plan on calling Effie Trinket. Her office closes today for several days over the Christmas period. I should do this now.

 

I’m on hold for a few minutes before Effie comes onto the line and greets me.

“What can I do for you today, Katniss? It’s good to hear from you.”

I take a breath before making my request, “I was thinking, maybe, I could come to one of your group meetings?”

“Of course, of course!” She exclaims, “You are always welcome!”

We talk about the details a little more. There’s a special meeting between Christmas and New Year, it’s a time when lots of women need more support, I feel a relief that it’s not just me. After that there’s a few weeks break. What bothers me is that it’s in a church hall. I’m not religious, nor do I have any problem with religion, but it worries me that the meeting itself will be religious. Yes, I have a shred of hope that _somewhere_ , my family are looking after Ruby, but I have no opinion on God or Jesus … it seems a silly worry, I can’t ask Effie something trivial like this.

I confirm to Effie that I’ll be there, despite my nerves, before ending the call.

 

 

Christmas is just 3 days away. I do feel the usual pit of despair inside me that is familiar at this holiday, what surprises me is that it doesn’t feel hugely worse than it has in the past. I need to try and get myself through this. I have Madge, but I don’t have my usual surrogate family. I don’t want to spend this year with them though. Thanksgiving was … enough.

I need something to occupy both my time and my mind. Madge finishes work today for the holiday – I haven’t asked what her plans are, but I’m sure she’ll want to spend time with her father as she’s all he has left, other than his close staff. I won’t intrude in that, but at the same time I don’t really want to be alone.

I start to think about holiday traditions. I blocked out the ones from my childhood long ago, the Hawthorne’s had their own. I smiled on at them as they had a good time, but I was never really involved. Is it time for me to think about what I want to do at the holidays now? I struggle understanding this freedom, I can do anything I want – I could choose _not_ to celebrate, however I don’t think I’d do that.

 

 

Presents and cookies. Those are the two things that I conclude I’ll go for in terms of making traditions. It took me an hour to decide on them, but I’m happy that I’ve been decisive eventually. The cookies will wait until Madge is home to keep an eye on me – my baking abilities are certainly … lacking, and I don’t plan on setting fire to anything. Presents, I can manage. Toby is due a walk, so I decide to take him through the town and maybe I can get some ideas on the way.

The sun is already on its way to setting when Toby and I finally leave. But the cold air is nice against my face.

The house is closer to a posher part of town than I’ve ever lived in before. The closest streets are lined with small independent boutiques. Madge has always liked them, I’m sure I could pick out some of the things she’s purchased from them. I don’t think anything is in my price range but there’s no harm in window shopping. I get bored with it almost as soon as Toby does, which is no surprise. As we make a detour via the park I think of who I actually should buy something for – or even give something too. My father used to always say it’s the thought that counts, not the money. He’s always been correct.

We walk up the main highstreet of the district on our way back. There are strings of lights strung up between the streetlamps and wrapped around the trees, and the store fronts are bright and shiny. They hold the attention of everyone who passes and dare people to come in and marvel at what they could purchase. I’m the only person who they don’t entrance – until I pass the toy store.

These shops were Prim’s dream, filled with dolls and plush animals, figurines and wooden games. This one that I’ve stopped at is particularly good, I know that much from the years I used to spend letting Prim pull me around and ooh and ahh over toys and gifts. The window in this one right here is a Disney scene, with a beautifully carved wooden castle front and centre. And I can hear the chords of one of the usual songs coming from the inside of the store.

My breath catches as I look around. _This_ would have been Prim’s dream and I would have done anything I could have to get it for her. I would have done anything like that for my daughter too.

I’m brought out of my trance by Toby’s wet nose against my hand. I look down to him, my eyes blank and mind still confused – I forgot he was here with me. He must sense my discomfort and barks, then tugs on the leash, dragging me away from the bright lights and loud crowd. I still feel disorientated as I let him pull me back towards our route home.

I finally snap out of my haze of memories when Toby is pawing at the front door, wanting to be let inside his home. He runs inside immediately, letting out a few barks as he dashes around the hallway. I follow him in and press my back against the door before sliding down to sit on the floor and letting out a slow breath. Images flicker past my eyes as soon as they are closed – of my childhood, Prim, her death, then Ruby and finally what would have been the future, and they’re on a loop while my lids remain shut.

“Katniss?” It’s a whisper from Madge then I feel a hand on my shoulder. My head snaps up and my eyes open, focussing on Madge’s face now that my visions have gone.

“Bed” is all I manage to get out. When I go to stand, dizziness comes over me and I reach out to hold the wall for support. Madge grabs me instead. She takes me into her room on the main floor rather than heading up the stairs. I’m still shivering even after Madge has tucked her blankets around me. She doesn’t even ask, but climbs in with me after removing our shoes. Toby joins us too, resting his chin next to mine.

 

It only takes a few hours for me to start feeling more calm. I don’t explain to Madge what happened and what I saw, she understands that Christmas has always been tough anyway. We order Chinese for dinner and eat it in Madge’s bed, Toby between us, and watching _Friends_ reruns on the tv.

 

 

 

~~~

 

 

 

There’s only 2 days left now, Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I wake with the first rays of sun entering Madge’s room. Madge is still next to me too, seeing as she’s on Christmas break now until the New Year. Toby has left us, probably in search of a way outside to empty his bladder. I slide out of the bed and find him in the kitchen, and open the door for him. He’s inside again quickly and scurries back into Madge’s bedroom. I follow behind him sleepily.

As I find my warm spot again I recall that I slept fairly well last night. A surprise after how the day turned out. My fingers easily find Toby’s fur to stroke as I drift off again into a light sleep.

Sleep doesn’t last long, and I wake feeling haunted by a strange piano tune that filled my short dreams. I don’t remember anything other than the notes being played, and it wasn’t a familiar tune either. I’m on my own in the bed this time too, and the debate of whether or not to get up comes to me quickly. I want nothing more than to stay here and disappear right now.

 

I don’t get my wish, Madge is back through and knows when I’m just pretending to sleep quite easily. Her words are soothing, even if I’m not really listening. I think she’s working up to asking more what happened yesterday. I roll over to face her. She gives me a small smile then lies down beside me again.

“Tell me what happened. It’ll help.” The way she says it means it’s not optional. As I bite my lip, I feel a dread and guilt fill me, keeping things to myself isn’t getting me any better or doing me any good – made obvious by the fact that I’m here in Madge’s bed.

I pull my hands up to fiddle with my hair before telling her about the events that turned me into … a bit of a mess.

“We went into town, it was pretty, the stores and streets were decorated for Christmas. I just got overwhelmed – the toy store. It was what Prim has always wanted, castles and princesses and _Disney_. It was unaffordable, I could never give her what would have made her so happy.

And, then Ruby … ”

I don’t even need to say anymore.

“Toby is such a good boy though, he rescued me, brought me home to you. He earned a Christmas treat.” I smile just a tad.

 

I get up eventually, rubbing my eyes of sleep. I hate how, at this moment in my life, tiny things can change my whole mood and I can go downhill in mere seconds. I felt so hopeful yesterday, it’s a feeling I wish I could have again. Once I eventually drag myself from the bed I put myself under the hot sprays of the shower to try and ease my aching muscles and rid my body and mind of thought.

The heat and pounding of the water work well, and I try to list off the good things I have and in my life right now. I try to gain this positive outlook that I’m supposed to be aiming towards. Yesterday it was just Christmas and a few of the nice things surrounding the holiday, I feel it could be the one thing I work to right now (even though it’s close). Towelling my hair and putting on fresh clothing makes me feel a little more human.

Madge is in the kitchen when I appear again.

“Did you have any plans for today?” I ask her.

She turns from the stove and her pot of porridge, “Nothing really, did you want to go to the Christmas market in Merchant Square?”

I’m not sure I was looking for something to do myself … but I suppose it could be my holiday activity if all else goes to pot.

“If you did, I don’t mind.” I reply.

“We’ll do that then. Peeta’s family has a stall, their Christmas treats and snacks are always spectacular.” I nod, thinking about how I’ll deal with interacting with him again. The last time we spoke I accidentally committed myself to meeting up again, I might break into a sweat if he asks me about it. That’s if we see him, I try to reason – he might not even be there.

“I could get Christmas cookies there? I was going to make some, but I suppose buying them would be easier.”

Madge turns back to me with her eyebrows raised, “You? Making cookies?” she exclaims, “Not in this kitchen, I like it as it is!”

I can’t help but smile, but I do sort of agree – her kitchen is quite alright in one piece, it doesn’t need my baking attempts. “It was just a thought, for Christmas. I would’ve gotten you to supervise anyway.” We have a good giggle after that.

 

 

 

It’s tricky finding a parking spot, and eventually we settle for one a fifteen-minute walk away. The weather has turned and I’m glad I tugged my hat on as I left the house. Now I wrap my scarf around my neck a little tighter. I’ll admit the market does look good with its glittering lights and loud cheerful music with wooden stalls packed together in rows. It all adds a small lightness to my heart, I feel some sort of calmness and relief – I’m not quite sure why, but I think I can accept it.

We wander around at the pace of the crowd, stuck behinds huge groups with lots of young children gazing in awe at their surroundings. Despite my sadness, I enjoy watching them. I’m lost in thought when Madge suddenly tugs on my arm.

“There’s the stall!”

I follow where she’s pointing ahead and see a larger stall surrounded by hordes of people. There are several people behind the counter serving from the laden table. I can’t see what they have from this far, but judging by the popularity I know it must be pretty good.

Once we’ve shuffled up to the table and are just a few people back from the front I get a good view of what’s on offer. There are more baked goods than I think I might have ever seen in one place at one time – multiple colours of iced cookies, different loafs of bread and rolls, iced sweet buns with all sorts of fruits added. Then there’s the cakes piled in shelves behind the service area, I can’t see clearly, but there’s different sizes and flavours, all pretty much on demand.

We’re soon the next in line, when suddenly the free server turns – it’s Peeta. His face seems to brighten when he recognises us. I just stand there, unsure what I’m doing or what I’ve come to ask for. Madge clears her throat next to me and discretely digs her elbow into my side.

“Hi,” I stutter, and Peeta gives a toothy grin.

“What can I do for you lovely ladies?” He asks, rubbing his hands together.

I don’t even know what to ask for, there’s too much choice. I look around trying to decide what looks the best with my mouth open a little. I’m glad when Peeta takes an opportunity to give his own suggestion.

“How about a selection? I like everything, so I’m afraid I couldn’t recommend just one product.”

“Ok, great,” I manage to get out. Peeta grabs a paper bag and sets about gathering up cookies and pastries. Madge elbows me, yet again, and I look to her. She’s making some sort of head movement towards Peeta and raising her eyebrows – it’s supposed to mean something but I just don’t know what she wants me to do. I never told her about after he drove me home that night, maybe it’s time I got some advice. Or maybe she’s wanting me to say something else to him. Peeta’s back in front of us before I can just ask her ‘ _What?_ ’

I go to pull my money from my bag when Peeta stops me, “My treat,” he says, “but you’ll have to let me know what you like best!” I try to protest – he’s losing a whole bags worth of profit for his family’s business, but he doesn’t listen, instead he pushes the sweet smelling bag into my hands with a constant smile. I know my face reddens with the more I say no and try to get him to take the cash from my hands.

Madge steps in after a few minutes with a loud and firm, “Thank you Peeta, I’m sure Katniss will enjoy everything.” Then she turns to me, “He’s being nice, say thank you,” she prompts, and I mutter one out. Madge leads some small talk with Peeta, asking his plans for the next few weeks (Christmas with his family, New Years at the main party here in Merchant Square, and then skiing with a few friends). I nod along listening to the pair of them talking, until Peeta asks me about my own plans.

I’m kicking myself when saying ‘nothing’ earns me an invite to join his group at the party on New Years Eve.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again another long time since an update, I can only apologise again for that! Work has been very busy and will only get busier as I plan to add on studying for my PhD part time to that from next month!  
> Definitely a few tricky bits of writing I've been working on - I know exactly what I want the chapters to say in my head, it's just getting them out the right way. Right now I'm working on Chapter 18, and have a few scenes from well in the future written too (I had some Peeta inspiration, I couldn't help myself). I also seem to come up with a lot of ideas at work when I'm right in the middle of doing things, which is pretty typical!   
> I'm hoping I'll have another chapter up by the end of the month which is something a little different and introduces some new characters.
> 
> I still can't believe so many people have read this story and given kudos, it's so crazy for me to think that people would want to read what I've come up with! Thanks again for the continued support =)


	17. Chapter 16 - Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss takes an important yet daunting step in the forwards direction and meets some new faces while doing so.

 

Christmas was fine. Maybe a little less, but definitely nothing more – not that I expected anything different. I spent a lot of time alone, or with Toby, but … I’m ok with that, I’m content. I have two more hurdles in my sights and I’ve come to terms with them both. Firstly going to Effie’s group meeting, which could easily go either way, and then going out on New Year’s Eve with a group of people.

I don’t feel prepared for this group meeting tonight, but I don’t know what I could do to feel so. I’m definitely planning on going, despite my reservations, but I don’t plan on opening myself up to these other women. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to go back.

Madge went out last night with a few of her colleagues from work. I heard her come in around 3AM. She dropped her keys twice before getting them in the lock of the front door, then once after she’d managed to get it open. Then she ceremoniously dropped her heels on the floor. The door was closed loudly and I heard her, not so quietly, whisper _shhhh._ I knew then that she was with someone. There was giggling and bumping into furniture, followed by a few barks from Toby and then the closing of Madge’s bedroom door. There were muffled sounds for a while after that, but it wasn’t preventing me from going back to sleep seeing as I hadn’t been asleep in the first place.

I’ve developed insomnia. I don’t know where it came from or how I can kick it, and it’s a bit inconsistent. I slept shortly after Madge and her friend arrived, but only for a few hours before waking with the inability to shut my eyes again. There’s a heaviness which comes with the lack of sleep, but I make it out of bed and head downstairs in search of coffee.

I find Madge’s shoes and coat, accompanied by a male set, sprawled on the floor by the front door. As I head to the kitchen I find another pile near her bedroom, there’s a sweater along with underwear. I draw my eyes away quickly and just get to making coffee. There’s the last of the goods from the Mellark Christmas stall too, and I heat the fruit bun in the toaster. I have to admit that everything was good ( _very_ good), even a few days old now.

I eat up in my room and sip on my coffee while sitting looking out the window. It’s quiet out there, and nothing is unusual or particularly interesting – but I like it. It’s moments like these that my mind drifts and I find that thoughts, wanted or not, just seem to appear into my head. At least right now they’re happy ones. I had Christmas cookies like I planned that I would. It’s a simple delight, and it doesn’t _really_ matter to me that I wasn’t the one who made them. Actually I think that was more of a bonus.

The presents … well I tried to get Madge something, but she refused. We didn’t do presents at all. It unsettles me still that I couldn’t do something for Madge when she’s done so much for me, but I know I will repay her at some point. I did purchase some presents though – I borrowed Madge’s car a few hours before the stores closed on Christmas Eve and headed to our closest Walmart. I bought some of Prim’s favourite Disney films on DVD for Posy, then I stopped by the pet aisle and bought a treat stocking for Toby. I think he liked it, and I was definitely his favourite for at least half an hour.

I haven’t been to the Hawthorne’s yet. Posy’s gift is wrapped and ready to go, I’m the one who isn’t. I don’t want to face Gale again, I have nothing to say to him. I went to the cemetery on Christmas Day. I haven’t been with Gale yet, but who knows, maybe he used his initiative and went on his own – although I doubt it.

 

I wipe the sleep from my eyes as I find my coffee cup empty. I add it to my growing pile of empties on the dresser and decide to shower. I don’t have any plans for today other than Effie’s meeting, but that’s a long time away yet. After I dress I really have to fight against the urge to get back into bed and lie there all day – it’s tough, I know if I stay indoors I will give in to the temptation sooner or later and so I pull on my boots and decide to head for a walk around the city, making sure the dog gets his exercise.

It’s pretty cold at this early time of the day. I walk briskly to keep the chill out and Toby almost has to trot to keep up at times. I focus on my breath that I can see in the cold air before me and the placing of my boots on the ground as I pound the streets of the city, one hand tightly gripping the dog leash. I don’t check the time, but a few shops have started to open and there are a few more people around on the streets.

I cave in to Toby when we come across a small fenced square – he wants to run around and chase the few pigeons that have settled there. I don’t want to sit and get cold so I stroll a little slower around the path while Toby has his fun. I wish I could be carefree like he is. When I look at my surroundings I realise I’m fairly close to where mine and Gale’s apartment is. I wonder why he hasn’t questioned me about it? Although maybe he thinks I still live there – it reminds me to ask Madge about it. She sorted out getting it rented, I should take over that responsibility from her, it’s the least I could do.

When we continue on our walk I decide to loop the few extra miles and pass the apartment. I did like living there, despite it being with Gale and our sour ending. It looks just as I remember it, but I don’t feel anything seeing my former home. I shrug once we pass and direct Toby back across the city towards Madge’s feeling indifferent.

Doubts start to creep into my mind with nothing else to occupy it. When will I have to move out of Madge’s? I can’t rely on her forever, she’ll want me out sooner or later. My face tenses and my lip shakes, I grab it between my teeth and try and ground myself by holding the dog leash a little tighter. Toby takes a quick glance back at me before looking ahead again. I worry the rest of the way back home.

 

The sky has clouded over once I’m unlocking the front door, it looks like it might snow later. Despite it being a few hours later, Madge and her ‘friend’ are still tucked away in her room. I feed Toby before disappearing upstairs into my own quietly. I’m really quite unsure of what to do to keep my thoughts from this group meeting tonight. I fiddle through one of the boxes of my stuff – they’re all still packed up. There are Ruby’s things and flat-pack nursery furniture too but that’s not something I’m ready to tackle.

Somehow time ticks past and I’m eating a dinner of pasta before heading out to this meeting. The food is tasteless in my mouth but I gulp it down my dry throat. My leg shakes nervously and my foot taps on the floor. Madge reaches out from across the table and gently holds my leg down with her hand.

“Stop worrying, it will be fine. You can see how it goes and then you don’t even need to go back again, ok?”

“Yes” I tell her, unsure what else I can say.

“If I call will you come and pick me up?” I ask her a few moments later, sounding juvenile. I think she wants to tell me to cut the crap and deal with the two hour meeting, but she doesn’t and lets me have an option of an out. I don’t feel quite so tense for the next 5 minutes at least.

“Can I ask you something else too?” I question with a slight shake in my voice. She nods.

“When … ” I gulp, “when will-” I can’t figure out how to phrase this the right way, “when do you want me to leave?” I ask. When Madge doesn’t say anything immediately, I find words tumbling from my mouth. “I know I’m a hassle and you’ll want your own space back to spend with your own … _friends_ and-”

Madge cuts me off by grabbing my hands into her own. She has a small smile, “Don’t be silly, you can stay as long as you need.”

I go to say something else, but she stops me again. “I invited you, I’m not going to tell you to leave – certainly not anytime soon.” She takes her own moment before saying anything else, “And I wouldn’t feel happy leaving you on your own, I don’t think anyone else would either.”

It doesn’t settle me entirely, I still feel worried about my living situation – it makes my head ache and my heart beat wildly in my chest with the uncertainties of the future. I manage a small nod to Madge, I know deep down she wouldn’t toss me out on the street, but she has every right to ask me to leave. It’s her home and I’m not even paying her rent, despite trying to.

 

 

We leave a short hour later, and Madge drops me off at my meeting in good time. I’m only a few minutes early but here I am standing looking at the church doors. There’s not anyone around out here, but it’s cold and growing darker by the minute, so I’m not surprised. I glance around again before taking a deep breath and stepping up to the doors. There’s no one immediately inside either. I stand awkwardly looking at the hallway ahead of me. The lights are on, but I don’t see any signs. I take another deep breath before gathering the courage to take a few steps towards the selection of doors off the main hallway. I decide I’ll give myself a few more minutes and then I’ll leave – I’m feeling too anxious to stay here much longer alone.

I’ve only taken a step when the door to the right opens – Effie stands there in the light coming from inside.

“Katniss! You made it, come in, come in!” She exclaims and steps forward, taking my hand and leading me into the small meeting room of the church. I wouldn’t have moved if she hadn’t tugged me along, my legs feel like lead – I was sure they were cemented to the floor.

The room is very plain and quite small, not what I expected. There is a circle of chairs taking up most of the space. Half the chairs are empty and the rest of filled with women all looking towards me. I feel the blood drain from my face and I know my eyes are wide as I look to these women I don’t even know, but somehow am closely related to.

The four women all seem quite different. Just one seems about my age, although from her expression she seems too fed up to be here. Two women look in their thirties and one smiles widely at me, giving a small wave. The last woman is much older, over seventy. She’s not really paying much attention to the others here, her focus is on her knitting in her lap.

“Everyone, this is Katniss!” Effie announces placing her arm around my shoulder. She quickly goes around the small group giving me everyone’s names then directs me to the seat between her own and Sae’s, the older woman with the knitting. I don’t do much to greet anyone, my mind is too frozen by the situation and what might happen in the next hour or so.

The women take turns and introduce themselves, telling me how long they’ve been in Effie’s group. The shortest is a year, Johanna, the one who looked bored, which was confirmed with her tone. I feel like an intruder in this somewhat tight-knit group. I sit with my hands on my lap and my lips sealed, but then everyone is looking to me. Effie nods encouragingly, wanting me to open up.

My eyes remain on the floor just in front of my feet, “I’m Katniss,” I start, then bite my lips back together again. It takes another few minutes for me to get out my age and what I do, _did_ , for a living. I’m looked at expectantly, with sad smiles on faces. I don’t like it. I look to Effie, trying to give up my turn – my desire to be here is slipping away by the second. I’m quite close to the door.

“Why don’t you explain a little how you’ve come to join us tonight?” Effie’s voice is soft, attempting to prompt for me to say more. I close my eyes for a second and sigh, _I don’t want to do this_.

“We’re all your friends here,” one of the women across the circle says, “you’re safe here to open up. We were all new once, we’ve all been where you are. It’s ok.” I feel bad that I don’t remember her name already, because I realise she’s right, and that everyone here is in my position.

There’s a heavy huff from Johanna. She’s picking at her nails and has her legs stretched out in front of her with her ankles crossed. Her tone sounds harsh when she asks, “What’s your kid’s name?”

Someone gasps and murmurs something. Her voice shocks me back into my shell. It’s stupid, but I feel surprise tears well in my eyes and I drop my head downward. An unwelcome feeling engulfs me.

“ _Johanna!_ ” Effie’s voice is stern, then her hand appears on my back giving a slight rub. “Don’t pay any attention to her.” She tells me, her voice taking on a comforting tone.

“Yeah, yeah, _sorry_ ,” Johanna exaggerates her words and I catch a roll of her eyes when I look up.

 

 

“I had a little boy,” the kind blonde woman says to me. The other women have left, Effie has just helped old Sae into a cab and is coming back inside to clear away the chairs. The meeting moved on after Johanna’s vague apology, but I didn’t partake in anything. I just listened to these, seemingly ordinary women, talk about their holiday season and any plans for the New Year. “Robert, after my father. It was a few years ago now, and we have another son now.” Her smile is small, but lets me know that she is better. I hope it doesn’t take me several years and the birth of another baby to feel like that too.

“You can ignore Johanna most of the time, she’s always like that, she doesn’t mean it maliciously. She tries to forget how raw it is at the start, she puts on a hard exterior.” I nod along. Johanna doesn’t seem like someone I’d want to get to know.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only apologise (again) for the time it took this chapter to come out - I had this written a little while ago but kept making little changes and telling myself it wasn't right! I've actually got a bit more written, so hopefully there will be another chapter out sooner or later.
> 
> The meeting definitely went different to what Katniss was expecting, and there's more to come with this group, so it'll be interesting to see what you think of the dynamics that come over the next few chapters.


	18. Chapter 17 - Too new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss begins to feel better and starts to sort out what she's really feeling after celebrating the New Year.

 

 

“5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Is chorused around the streets as soon as midnight hits and there is a small firework display in our city centre. I’ve been dragged out into the cold by Madge and I’m lingering on the edge of her group of colleagues and friends, quite eager to leave now that the time has ticked over into the New Year. I had decided not to take up Peeta’s invite to join his New Year’s celebrations with his friends, and truthfully I wanted to stay in and _not_ celebrate. Madge intervened with those plans.

I know Madge is going to stay out and celebrate further, she knows I plan to go back home to bed to wallow. And that’s why I have her car keys and haven’t had anything to drink. We embrace and Madge slurs something about a better year. I warn her to be safe before weaving through the crowds to get back to the car. I keep my head down to avoid the drunken mess that most people become at these parties, but I look up when I hear what I think is my name.

It takes a few looks around before I see the now familiar blonde head of Peeta dodging revellers to get towards me. He’s got a great big grin on his face and looks flushed, having certainly had a few drinks.

“Happy new year Katniss, I thought I spied you making a move – going home already?” He’s definitely had too much to drink, he’s talking to me far too casually, I remind myself that we hardly know each other at all. I nod in response to his question and hold up the car keys.

“I can’t persuade you to join me and my friends? We’re going back to the restaurant for drinks and some food, you can come and have a good time.”

I freeze because I feel bad for saying no, again – at the same time I do not want to give him the yes he is looking for. My mouth is hanging open waiting for some sound to come out, and Peeta is waiting for an answer.

“Sorry, not tonight.” I mumble but Peeta still hears me loud and clear. His face is less bright, he shrugs his shoulders.

“Nevermind, we can do it again sometime, you can make some more friends on this side of town. I have some good friends.” He smiles a little more now, but it’s not the same grin as before.

“Happy new year, Katniss.” He says again and leans in to kiss my cheek before I turn and keep going back to the car. I can feel all the blood in my body rushing to my cheeks and I know they are burning. _Peeta just kissed me!_ Fair enough, it was only on the cheek and he has had too much to drink, he probably doesn’t know what he’s doing. But I don’t know him … he doesn’t know me … why would he do that?

 

 

 

The roads are very quiet as I drive the few miles back to the house. I can still hear the bangs of the last few fireworks in the city centre when I get out of the car and dash towards the warmth inside the house. Toby is curled on the couch – we left some music on for him so he hopefully wouldn’t be disturbed by the loud noises from the town celebrations, but he doesn’t seem all too bothered as he remains asleep. I give him a rub and sort him out with a snack before heading up to bed and my thoughts.

When I’m lying in the quiet darkness with only my loud heartbeat to listen to there’s not much else to do than think. I suppose it’s been plaguing me that people make all sorts of resolutions for the new year, and what do I have to make? This past year’s been bad, I would want completely rid of it if it didn’t contain all the memories of my daughter. It’s all so bittersweet.

Madge was impressed that I stayed at my meeting last week for the whole duration. She didn’t ask what happened, and I didn’t offer anything up. I don’t think she’d be _quite_ so happy if she knew that all I said was my name, age and job. I’ll do better next time – well, I want to try anyway.

My insomnia is prominent tonight, my eyes droop with tiredness but nothing helps me sleep. I think I eventually get a few disturbed hours which are filled with nightmares of forgetting Ruby. Right now that’s my deepest fear.

When I can’t sleep anymore I get up and change the soaked bed sheets from my sweat and put on fresh pyjamas. Then I get back into the cool bed to try and at least settle for a while. But as I lie in peace I now find my mind solely on Peeta. This is relentless. I worry about Peeta’s actions tonight. Our interaction was very brief, but did it mean something? I tell myself countless times that he was inebriated and won’t remember anything, but what if he does? What if he meant it to mean something?

This is ridiculous, I tell myself, _I’m worrying about nothing_.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

January starts to pass very quickly. I manage to keep Ruby at the edge of my mind, always, and I haven’t had any fall backs or full days in bed because of crushing grief. I push off any theories about Peeta – I haven’t seen him since the new year’s ‘incident’ which I’ve come to realise, through one simple conversation with Madge, means absolutely nothing and is most definitely _not_ an incident. I went for a hike again up to my father’s favourite spot, despite the freezing temperatures it was nice, and I can almost describe it as being a good day. I also made an appointment with my doctor to go onto birth control in hope that it might regulate my body – in one insomnia fuelled late night google-search, I came to a conclusion that it might be a good idea. The doctor didn’t really question it and sent me away with what I wanted. It seems simple so far.

 

My schedule today is a busy one too. I’m seeing Effie at midday to discuss the group session that I attended and to see if I plan on going back – if I do want to go, the next meeting is later tonight. I’m undecided on that right now.

But today I’m also picking Posy up from the school bus and we’re going to spend the afternoon together. This is the first chance I’ll have to give her her Christmas present. Actually, she doesn’t know I’m meeting her, I arranged it through a very delighted Hazelle, so I hope she won’t be too angry with me.

 

I make it to the hospital in good time and avoid all parts of the building which hold my terrible memories. Effie takes me into her office right away and settles me quickly with a cup of coffee and a selection of cookies.

“Eat up first, and then we’ll talk,” she says, holding the plate towards me. I don’t really want anything, but I take one out of politeness.

“I’m very glad you came to the group, really, Katniss, I am. I think it might help you a lot, even if you don’t see it right now.”

I just nod a little, “It was different to what I expected.” I tell her honestly.

“Each of the women are very different, and so are you. Each individual handles situations in their own way, sometimes what they try at first doesn’t work out for them and they change their minds. It’s understandable, and it’s quite alright.”

She’s referring to my refusal to talk to anyone until now, I’m sure. I think I agree, it was right at the time, I wanted and needed to be alone. There’s still a lot to think about though that I haven’t sifted through in my mind though.

“What I wanted to know,” starts Effie, “was how you thought it went for you? Can you see it as something which might help you?”

I feel like that’s a big ask, it was just one evening. “I haven’t really made my mind up yet,” I say, “all of these women have lost babies too … I feel connected somehow. It’s different talking to other people, they just have a look of sympathy and I’m starting not to like their words of apology when they find out, they make me uncomfortable. At the meeting, everyone just gets it.”

Effie agrees, and reiterates that everyone is friends in the group. I’m not there to make friends though. We discuss taking time to open up, she doesn’t want to push me, or push me into staying in the group if it’s not something that would be comfortable for me. Overall I’m very undecided about the whole thing … Effie suggests I stick it out a little.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

I check my watch several time as I wait on the corner of the Hawthorne’s street, the bus should be arriving any minute now.

There’s two boys off the bus in front of Posy and she bounds off last while waving to someone still on board. She stops a few steps onto the sidewalk when she sees me. I give her a weak smile, “Hey, Posy!” I try and sound upbeat and not worried about her reaction.

“Katniss,” she says, she sounds a bit quiet and I don’t know what to expect next. But she breaks out into a smile and crashes into me wrapping her arms around me. “You finally came!”

I’m relieved, I wasn’t expecting this from her. She takes a firm hold on my hand and swings our arms between us as we head along the sidewalk towards their driveway. She skips ahead once we’re near the porch and I can hear her call for her Mom once she’s inside the door which she leaves open for me.

“Look who came, look, look!” she exclaims throughout the house looking for her mother. I can’t help but smile after her. Hazelle’s smile meets my own once I get to the pair of them. She’s genuinely happy to have me back here in her home – even though she knows I’m not staying and it’s just for an hour or so. I don’t doubt that she’ll try to get me to come by more often or to come back so she can look after me like one of her own. It’s not for me though, I need the independence of living without a family. Until moving in with Madge, I hadn’t had that opportunity, which I didn’t realise until recently. I thought I had prided myself in having independence but what independence could I claim when I had lived with Gale for almost all of my adult life? I skipped the whole living with friends at college and into the working world thing, not that I minded much at the time – I had other things to worry about then.

“It’s lovely to see you, dear,” Hazelle says to me, holding me at arm’s length and having a good scrutinising look before pulling me into a hug which I only return lightly. “You’re looking much better! A bit of colour in your cheeks again.” She says when we part while Posy hangs up her winter coat and tucks away her boots. I don’t know if I look better or not, I feel just the same.

I help Posy with some of her homework before letting her open her belated Christmas gift. Her face lights up and she thanks me multiple times before showing her mother and begging to watch one of the DVDs tonight. This is followed by begging _me_ to stay and watch with her – I can’t, luckily my meeting with Effie’s group is a legitimate excuse. Posy’s not pleased, but she still lets me help her prepare the cake she’s making for tonight’s dessert.

 

 

 

I leave once the boys have arrived and the family are about to sit down to eat dinner. There’s enough time to walk to the church for Effie’s group meeting. I try not to think about the last meeting, or what might come up in this meeting, on my way.

I’m the first to arrive and help Effie set up a few chairs in the same room we met in last time. I don’t speak through Effie’s chattering while we work together. She greets Sae with a wide smile and a warm hug when she arrives, the next after myself. Sae digs in her large handbag once she’s seated and pulls out a several handfuls of wool. When I take the seat next to her I realise it’s her finished knitting.

“Oh these are wonderful!” Effie says as Sae passes her the bundle. Effie picks out a few of the items and holds them up. They’re tiny knitted hats. “Sae is a wonderful knitter,” Effie explains to me when she sees me looking, “She brings me the finished pieces and I deliver them to the hospital. They’re very much appreciated,” she adds looking to Sae again with gratitude.

A memory floods my mind looking at these tiny hats, knowing without being told that they’re for the NICU babies.

“I have one of these,” I say suddenly to neither of them in particular. I reach and take one from Effie, it’s a pale pink with a white edging, very similar to the one that Ruby wore. It was too big for her and covered her eyes when she had it on. I vaguely remember it getting rolled up so I could see her beautiful face when she was in my arms that one time – that _only_ time.

I blink out of the memory and quickly pass the hat back to Effie, trying to disguise my teary eyes and dripping nose with a few coughs. Sae leans towards me and grips my hand tightly in hers, not letting go for a few minutes, making sure I have a little comfort. I appreciate the gesture.

“Thank you,” I say, “and for these too.” I gesture at the knitting when I say so. “I appreciated it.”

Before anyone else gets here I try to recall everyone’s names. Sae, of course, then the harsher Johanna. I have to think a few more minutes for the other two, but they come to me eventually – Cecelia, the blonde who spoke to me alone last time, and Wiress who seemed a little older, probably late thirties compared to Cecelia’s early thirties.

 

 

 

Once everyone has gotten here and is seated, only the same group of women women as the last time, Effie claps her hands to start and asks around the group how they’ve been and what they’ve been doing. I’m not sure what to say when she gets to me – everyone seems to do interesting things, I can’t see myself as an interesting person. All I can do is say what I did today, but I spill out too much when I reveal that it was my ex’s (it’s strange to say that out loud) family I was visiting.

“He’s your ex and you _like_ his family?” Johanna says across from me with a sneer in her tone.

I shrug, unsure what to say. No one else seems to have a problem with it.

“So who ditched who, then?” Johanna asks next. She earns herself a few glares. “What? It’s weird, who hangs out with their ex’s mother _for fun_?!”

She does have a reasonable point, my feelings towards Hazelle are shifting. I’ll always be grateful for her help over the years, but I’m starting to feel like I’d like more distance. It’s different with Posy though, she’s a child. However I can’t explain any of this without explaining a whole lot more, more that I am not willing to go into.

“ _He_ left _me_ during my pregnancy.” I say with a finality; I don’t want to elaborate anymore. Johanna makes a face and gives a nod, I can tell she’s trying to put pieces together and that she wants to say more.

We move on, although conversation really doesn’t go too far – Cecelia and Wiress both discuss their children, dead and alive. One of the younger ones asked about their older sibling, the two now were discussing how to explain it all well enough for the child to understand but to not get upset about it and worry the child. This all seems beyond me right now, I still can’t imagine having another child. Besides, who would be in the picture for that?

I almost bring myself to say something, ask how they can get pregnant again without fear? How do they forget enough to move on? But I don’t, I stay quiet in fear of sounding stupid about the whole thing. I’m too new here to have an opinion, I believe.

 

I leave with a lot to think about, not even about myself really. I can’t get my head around choosing to have a second or even third child after losing one. Maybe I’m too cynical for all this …

Madge is waiting for me in her car across the street. Toby jumps excitedly in the back seat when I approach them. We go for dinner together and I let my mind forget my thoughts just for the evening.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for still reading, I know I don't publish as much as I should - I'm going to a conference next week and there's a whole lot of flight time to fill, I plan to put my writing cap on and get the words out! Hopefully you are still enjoying and want to stick around for more^


	19. Chapter 18 - Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another month goes by and although Katniss spends more time in her head, she seems to be starting to work things out for herself, and maybe even friendship finds her on her way.

 

It’s almost February, and I’m trying to remember why my mind is gripping a strange memory that I can’t pinpoint. It’s right _there_ but I can’t put my finger on it.

When I get my period, the blood also drains from my head and I feel my heart beat wildly in my chest. I got pregnant around this time last year, I think it was probably Gale’s birthday. It’s in January and last year we both got really drunk in a bar, my inhibitions clearly had other ideas about the night and led to lots of drunken sex when we arrived home. Neither of us remembered a huge amount, certainly not enough to take the morning after pill. My head aches at the thought and I have to sit with it between my knees for at least ten minutes to level myself out again.

Madge can tell something is wrong and tries her best to distract me. It doesn’t work and in the end I tell her about last year.

“When did you find out you were pregnant?” She asks.

I smile at this, it’s funny, “Valentine’s day – what a great gift!” I say dragging out the sarcasm.

Madge nods a little, “I remember you told me after Easter.” That would be right, Gale wanted to wait until we were outside the potential miscarriage zone. When I think about it now, my mind must have been very clouded by the hormonal shift of pregnancy. He had a lot of control over me … until one day it all just snapped. I think I have a lot of things to sort out – maybe this is what the group meetings would be useful for …

 

 

My attempts to ignore the upcoming Valentine’s day are quite futile. There are decorations and sales everywhere offering huge romantic gestures of gifts and love, none of the things I’m interested in.

I pull up short when I’m walking through the town on the way home from the park with Toby. We’re going quite slowly while I glance into the shop windows at the displays without much thought. When I look in the next window along I’m brought the sight of Peeta – it’s his family’s restaurant, which I hadn’t even realised we were close to. I snap my head immediately to the sidewalk and pick up the pace to get past the windows where he might still see me. When we cross the road I look back to the building. The sign on the corner is large with intricate lettering spelling out ‘MELLARKS’ and inside I can see the gleam of decorative fairly lights. Someone goes in and through the open door I can hear ruckus enjoyment from inside. I turn back around and lead Toby away in our direction home. As we walk further my guilt over ignoring Peeta over the past weeks grows when I can only think about how nice he has been.

 

I have the action movie ready to go, and the popcorn on one side of me and the dog on the other on the sofa when Madge comes out into the room. I wolf-whistle once I glance back at her – she’s wearing a fitted midi dress in a deep red which compliments her blonde hair and beautiful curves. I could never pull off anything like it.

“Thanks,” she blushes, “I’ll be home tonight,” I give an exaggerated nod, very much doubting her statement, “you don’t need to wait up.” She adds, I know I won’t. I’m not sure who it is she’s going out with, I can only assume it’s the man who has stayed over before. But I don’t intend to pry.

I sigh once she’s gone and settle back into the sofa, “Just you and me, bud” I say ruffling Toby’s ears. He nuzzles against me affectionately, this is the only love I want tonight.

 

After an early night I’m up early the next day with a feeling of revigoration. It’s still fairly dark out and I decide to sort through one of my unpacked bags in my room – there are still three or four left, although I know one is filled with baby paraphernalia. The room is pretty large, but I don’t make use of it as most of it is covered with piled up boxes which contain the ready-to-assemble baby furniture that Madge brought from my apartment months ago. I’m ashamed that I’ve let myself leave things this long, I almost feel pathetic that I can’t do a simple task. My gut feeling is that I _should_ be ready to just get rid of it all, but there’s a twinge in my heart at the thought. I note that maybe I should ask about that at the meetings as well.

The bag I’ve picked has my own things inside, it’s mostly sports clothes and my running shoes are tucked in the bottom. It’s been such a long time since I’ve done any of my favourite activities, well used to be my favourite. I used to be a regular at the pool and in the gym before and after work. I can’t even pick out the last time I held a bow. It annoys me that I let that slip away.

The same happened when I slipped into depression all those years ago – I stopped doing the things I enjoyed, and when I got back into them my mind cleared and I felt much better, eventually. It was just about myself back then though, and I was so young.

I leave out my swimsuits to remind me to make use of them and fold the rest of the clothes into the bottom shelf of the wardrobe, tucking my shoes onto the fairly empty shoe rail.

When I head downstairs to get breakfast I find Madge’s heels by the door alone and a bouquet of flowers on the table in the hallway, she seems to be alone, and home, like she said she would. Not that I mind at all. Madge deserves a great social life and a loving boyfriend after all she’s had to put up with me for the past  … 6 months. I gulp at the thought it’s been that long. Time has been feeling so strange, sometimes it feels like it’s flying and then other times it’s hardly ticking along.

I’m thinking about this as I stir the milk into my coffee while gazing out of the kitchen window. I don’t even hear Madge come up behind me.

“Hey,” she says softly, I jump a little, sloshing the coffee. “Sorry,” she smiles, “You’re in a world of your own.” She comments, truthfully.

“How was your date?” I ask, avoiding myself.

“Good, nice,” she says coyly, I can tell she had a great time. I’m tempted to ask more about this man and what he did for her on their date, but I have no idea _how_ ; it seems ridiculous. But I’ve never been one to gush over new boyfriends and romantic dates, I just don’t know how to do it.

“So, where did you go?” I manage to start out with.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

“Hey,” comes a voice towards me. I’m in the expansive cereal aisle in the store. When I look around there is only myself and one other in this aisle – Johanna is speaking to me specifically.

“Hi,” I reply through my dry throat. I don’t know what else to say, or why she’s even acknowledging me. I try not to look down or be awkward, but I think my hand fiddling with the shopping basket handles gives me away.

Johanna closes the gap between us and I can see her glancing over the contents of my basket.

“How are you doing?” She asks next. I give my generic ‘fine’ response before she sighs. “Look, I didn’t mean to come off as a bitch before, ok? It’s just who I am, it’s my nature. Unlike Effie, I’m not going to mollycoddle you through her meetings, or anyone else for that matter. But I didn’t set out to upset you.”

I think I almost hear her mumble an apology after her spiel. It’s very unexpected, and I find I appreciate her honesty with me.

I tell her it’s ok, and it _is_ , because I can’t expect everyone to be gentle, or apologise for the loss when it’s not even been recent. And I haven’t exactly been open about it. Johanna just shrugs her shoulders, then asks me what I’m up to as if we’re friends and not new-hardly-acquaintances.

We part once I go to check out with the groceries. Johanna kept up with the talking, I just politely answered her questions – which had nothing to do with why either of us met each other in the first place. Other than the fact that I really don’t have friends who I’d talk to like this, it makes me feel a little more human, a little more normal.

 

 

Johanna makes an effort to sit next to me when she arrives late to the next meeting a few weeks later. I catch Effie smiling at us, then she looks over to Cecelia to ask how she’s been.

“So, Katniss, what have you been doing recently?” It’s my turn now. Part of me likes to think Effie’s just a little bit nosy about everyone else’s lives and likes to start by satisfying that part of herself and asking what we’ve been doing, I don’t think I mind this though, even though I haven’t much to say. Other than this group, I don’t have people to talk to – Madge knows my comings and goings, she has no need to ask or initiate conversation about it.

“Swimming,” I tell Effie and the group, “and walking the dog.” I don’t do anything interesting, certainly nothing that fills all the hours of the day. I’ve actually only been swimming twice, Madge signed me into her gym on a discounted rate when she dragged me along the past two weekends. She went to an aerobics class, which I refused, and I spent time in the pool at her insistence after she spotted my swimming gear out in my room. I swam at leisure mindlessly trudging along until Madge appeared at the studio window upstairs above the pool waving at me. I’m not ready to go back to my own workplace yet. The pool is bigger there, but at this point I don’t want the familiarity of it, nor the pity I’d receive from my colleagues – even though I know it might come when I return to work … _if_ I return.

“Oh yes! I remember we spoke about your dog, we should do a doggy playdate sometime!” I let her have a moment while I recall the picture of the tiny delicate dog on her office desk. She wouldn’t last a minute with the playful fur ball that lives with me and Madge.

“Effie! I don’t care about your dog!” Johanna yawns from beside me. Effie rolls her eyes, an action which surprises me, I didn’t know Effie was capable.

“Ok Johanna, how was your week?” She moves on from me, which I’m glad about.

I don’t listen much, but my ears do pick up when she says she bought a new axe – her hobby apparently, but I hold my tongue at the fact that I enjoy archery, another target-hitting sport.

 

It doesn’t take Effie long to turn her attention back to me. “This is your third session with us now Katniss. How do you think you’re finding it?” She asks. My cheeks redden at the attention.

“Alright,” I tell her, and nod my head a little.

“Do you feel you might want to share something more about the experiences that brought you here?” I’m not sure what to answer – one part of me is very protective of Ruby, the other knows that these women have all gone through the same or something similar. As I look around the women, each has a different reaction with Johanna looking like she couldn’t care less whether I speak or not, and Cecelia with an encouraging expression.

“Maybe.” I finally answer after a few minutes.

Effie seems pleased, “That’s good then. It doesn’t have to be right now, but you need the confidence to share your story on your own. You can start with the small things. We’re all allies here Katniss.” The women apart from Johanna readily agree. I take this in, trying hard to believe Effie.

“I had a daughter last year.” I say

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve said this out loud. I told Finnick over the phone shortly after Ruby’s birth, and I told Gale and Hazelle after that. I didn’t need to say it to Madge, and I certainly haven’t said it to anyone else.

I only realise I’m looking down to the floor when I feel a hand giving me a few pats on the back. Johanna. The gesture is a surprise, and a comfort.

“She was premature, and she lived just over a week.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, and my vocal chords seem to be refusing to hand me control – I can’t say any more, at least not tonight. I can’t bring myself to look up at anyone. Johanna’s hand remains on my back for longer than I expected.

The meeting doesn’t last much longer, and when I slowly go to leave both Cecelia and Wiress come over and insist on embracing me into a hug. It seems like some sort of official welcome into their unique group or friendship.

“We’ll see you next time, Katniss!” Effie calls after me as I’m heading out the doorway. When I turn she gives me a small smile. I think she feels happier about me now that I’ve shared something. I try to return the gesture but I think it comes out a little grimace-like.

I’m surprised to find Johanna leaning against the wall out front waiting for me. She has a cigarette in hand. She gives me a nod. I just stand awkwardly next to her.

“I was going to go for a drink, want to come?” I’m even more surprised by this. It’s not particularly late but it is dark and cold out. I am normally wanting to settle into bed at this time. I make a quick decision.

“Sure, just one though.”

Johanna nods back and finishes her cigarette, but not before offering me a drag which I refuse. I have no idea what to say to her while I wait. Effie comes out of the church a few minutes later and locks up the front door. If she’s shocked that I’m here with Johanna then she doesn’t show it. She gives us a goodbye and I watch as she gets into her car and drives off.

Johanna clicks her fingers from behind me, “Come on, slowpoke, this way.” She stubs out her cigarette and leads me down the street in the opposite direction.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so sorry for the wait, I had a bit of writers block and then Christmas happened, and I didn't really get a nice relaxed break like I wanted, and now I'm a week into work in a new year! Crazy! I've been pretty productive this week though with writing, so hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner^  
> Thanks again for all the kudosing and comments, I'm amazed people are still reading! I wish I could give you guys kudos for your kudos =D
> 
> Hope you all had a nice Christmas and New Year period xx


	20. Chapter 19 - It's up to me to decide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss makes big decisions on moving on and dealing with new people.

 

 

Johanna takes me to a bar a few streets away. It’s a little trendy for me, with a young crowd and flashy lights and fancy cocktails, but she takes no notice and leads us to a quiet section of the bar where there are plenty of stools. She doesn’t hesitate to order two beers from the bartender for us.

“Thanks,” I say over the buzz of noise as I take up my bottle for a gulp. She raises her own bottle as an acknowledgement.

 It’s odd that I _don’t_ find this awkward, sitting drinking in silence with someone I hardly know. 

 

“It’s nice to … let loose, or whatever, after those group sessions.” Johanna says. Our beers are halfway done. “This place is good to come and-” she pauses, “ _not_ think about things for once.” I can’t agree with her because I don’t know the feeling of ‘not thinking’.

Johanna looks like she wants to say something else, but nothing comes out – instead her gaze shifts from on me, to behind me. I go to turn around but she stops me with her hand on my arm.

“Seems like we have a little attention,” she tells me, quietly but just loud enough for me to hear over the music. I want to ask what she means, but I’m stumped by who appears beside me.

“Katniss, I thought that was you I spied over here!” Peeta says with a grin on his face.

I try and hide my shocked reaction and muster up a smile for him, “Hi, Peeta.” I catch him looking quickly between me and Johanna, “This is Johanna, Johanna, Peeta.” I introduce the pair of them to each other.

Peeta holds out his hand for her and she shakes it readily, “Nice to meet you, Peeta.” She eyes him up and down not very discretely, “Katniss I’m surprised you’re friends with someone as _nice_ ,” she emphasises her word, “as Peeta here.” Her eyes are glittering with … something and I feel my face heat up. Peeta looks confused for only a second before speaking up.

“If you want to join us,” he waves in an area of the bar behind me, “you’re more than welcome to come over, we’ve got plenty of space.” He still hovers next to us, I don’t look over to see who he is with, but I know they’re strangers to me.

“Emmm-” I pause, my face still red, and I’m starting to feel incredibly bad for turning him down again, “I was going to leave after this one.” I mumble, indicating my almost empty beer bottle.

“That’s alright,” he says, not even phased by me, “maybe I’ll see you here again!” He smiles and waves goodbye before going back off to his own table and friends.

When I look back to Johanna she has a smirk on her face, then takes a long sip from her beer.

“So I take it Peeta’s not the ex then?” She pauses, but doesn’t leave me time to say anything, “Interesting.” I can see she’s trying to figure things out.

“He’s not anything, just a friend” I clarify, “in fact, I barely know him. We only met a few months ago, through the friend I live with.” I tell her, knowing that I’m offering up a lot of information that I’m not sure I want her to have. She nods along, I can tell she thinks there’s more to it. But it’s not worth my time.

I take the last few gulps of my beer and go to grab my scarf. “I’m going to head off, it’s getting late.” Johanna doesn’t hide her eye roll, but let’s me go anyway. I completely ignore the area of the bar that Peeta had come over from, so that I don’t risk catching his eye, as I leave and head out onto the street. It takes a few minutes to get my bearings and then I start walking in the right direction home.

 

 

 

Madge comments that I’m home later than usual, she’ll be able to smell the generic ‘bar’ smell off of me I’m sure. I don’t really say anything about it, but I get a drink of water and join her in front of the television for whatever program she’s already watching.

 

 

 

 

My phone buzzing on the bedside table awakens me a few days later. It’s pretty early, not even 7. It’s a text from a number I don’t recognise, but I open the message anyway.

‘ _Hey, Katniss, it was good to see you the other night._ ’

I think back to who it could have been, but another message comes in quickly before I can think of any names.

‘ _It’s Peeta, btw =)_ ’

I don’t remember giving him my number, I frown at the phone, ready to throw it back onto the bedside table so I can go back to sleep, but it buzzes in my hand again.

‘ _Sorry, I got your number from Madge, hope you don’t mind!_ ’

I’m so confused about his presence in my life right now, groaning I throw the phone down anyway and bury myself back into the warmth of my bed.

There aren’t any more texts when I wake up the next time, but I still feel unsettled about it

Madge has already left for work when I make it downstairs but I know I want to talk to her about Peeta.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

It’s dark inside when I peek through the windows and door, but I can see some lights further back. I knock loudly and take a step back, awkwardly looking around the darkening street. I’m a bit late, but I was enjoying the lighter evening now the year is working its way through March. The lights pop on suddenly inside, and I see Peeta coming towards the door with a wide smile on his face.

“Hi, Katniss! Sorry I meant to come out front so I could hear you arrive.” He greets me once he unlocks the door, he leans forward a little and looks like he wants to do something more ... a hug, a kiss? He doesn’t though, he gives a little wave as he ushers me inside the restaurant, locking the door behind me and shutting the lights back off. They’re closed tonight for a private function – tasting the new menu. Peeta invited me to come early, watch him cook, and get an early taster of the menu which he developed alone, and I took him up on his offer.

Strange is the only word I can use to describe the past weeks. I confronted Madge, maybe a little too aggressively thinking back about it, about giving Peeta my number. I apologised after she gave me a long talking to. She says Peeta _likes_ me. It stunned me into silence as soon as she’d said it – in fact it took a few days to get my head around the whole concept … someone nice like Peeta _liking_ someone like _me_ , even having any sort of feeling remotely like _liking_ … it feels childish, like the teenage crushes I never had. I struggle to understand how anyone could have feelings towards me. Gale did, or at least I think he did, but that was different. There’s never been anyone else and now I’m almost 26 and it feels _wrong_. I’m not a child anymore. It took me a few days to get over that, it was easy to reveal that Gale was my only real relationship and the relationship was something that came easily. We both fell into it when I was still a teenager, it’s all I know. I’ve never been wooed, I’ve never had to do any wooing either. Madge said it was easily forgivable that I missed all the signs from Peeta.

_“It doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be. Be friends first, get to know him. It doesn’t matter that he likes you, but at least give him a chance at_ something _!”_ Madge had said to me. _“He’s a good guy though.”_ She said there was no pressure, but I don’t believe that.

‘Friends’ isn’t an easy thing for me though, I can count on one hand how many people I would have ever regarded as a friend, and at this moment the number is particularly small. I like the comfort zone that I’m in a little too much maybe. I keep reminding myself of everything that has happened in the past year, and that I want the next year to be very different, but it’s up to me to decide how that works out.

In the end I felt bad for ignoring Peeta’s text and I sent him a reply. _I don’t mind. I hope you had a nice evening._ Simple and not implying anything in the slightest. It only took me a few hours to come up with it too. The texts after that came much more easily.

 

 

Peeta leads me through the empty front room of the restaurant quickly into the back. There’s a bench table along the right side, it’s set beautifully for tonight, with pretty gold rimmed dishes and cutlery at each setting and candles and trinkets scattered along the middle. It’s a freakin’ table and it looks so good, it’s a bit ridiculous. Peeta’s headed onto the chefs side of the kitchen, there’s a wooden plating island separating the two of us. This doesn’t look anything like I expected.

“This is nice, your kitchen.” I tell Peeta while he tends casually to a pot on the stove, “It’s not what I thought restaurant kitchens looked like. I was expecting pristine chrome or something.” He smiles over at me.

“Thanks, most of them are like that though, but I wanted this one to be more like a family kitchen. My mom hates it.”

Peeta sorts me out with a stool to sit at the island and goes on to explain a bit more about the family business – which started out with bakeries and deli’s, and once Peeta and his brothers went off and delved into their own food ventures, started to include restaurants and cafes which have become very popular in this area of the country, so I’m told. There’s only a small feeling of inadequacy about my lack of life-achievements. While he tells me his story he hands me pieces of fresh breads and cuts of meat and tells me how they’re flavoured. He doesn’t even notice me watching him while he describes everything, he’s just so passionate about food and his life. I can’t help but consider the huge contrast between us.

“You ok?” Peeta asks suddenly, “You just, um …, have a whole plate of food there and you’re looking at the rather boring corner instead.” Peeta says honestly. I shake myself out of my own head and feel my cheeks redden. “I’m sorry!” Peeta says quickly, “I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” He turns quickly back to the stove and busies himself with his food. And now I feel bad for him, but I stay silent, instead turning to the nibbles of food Peeta has offered me.

It’s quiet for too long, and I’ve now finished my first helping of Peeta’s new offering of bruschetta. “This is really good,” I tell him quietly, “I’m looking forward to more later.” I smile at him a little.

“Thanks! It’s not too different to the one we have already but I’ve just freshened it up a little, but this,” he holds out a tray towards me from the oven, “is completely new. I checked out all of the local menus and no-one offers anything like this!” Peeta looks so excited to show me whatever it is he’s made. It smells great, if I knew Peeta better I’d go for it right away, but I opt for being polite.

“You better have enough for later then, because I think I can manage all that right now!” I challenge him, which earns me the friendliest grin I might have ever seen.

 

 

 

 

I don’t just sit and eat the food Peeta’s preparing for tonight, I manage to be a little useful and help plate out some of the dishes onto the dining table and light all the candles Peeta’s laid out. I’m not doing anything when there’s a knock on the front door of the restaurant; Peeta’s hands are full.

“I’ll, eh, just get the door then?” I ask cautiously. Madge and Delly will both be here tonight, and although I haven’t met him, Peeta’s dad will be here, but I don’t know about anyone else.

“Yeah that’d be great! Thanks Katniss!” Peeta calls back while rushing around the kitchen, I can’t help but notice how ridiculous his hair is, pushed back and all over the place and just a little too long for him.

I nervously work my way through the darkened dining room to the front door, luckily it’s just Madge and Delly. Madge comes in and makes her own way through to the kitchen, but Delly stops for an over-the-top greeting with a big hug and asking me how I’ve been. She’s reminding me a little of an Effie-in-training.

“Paul is just parking the car, and I think Mr Mellark is right behind him, I’ll just wait for them here, you go on back and settle in, grab a drink!” Delly tells me with delight, trying to push me along back towards the kitchen.

“Paul is … Peeta’s …?” I’m quite sure that he’s one of Peeta’s brothers, I just don’t know which one or where in the lineup of boys.

“Paul is almost 6 years older than Peeta and Pierce is another 3 years older than that. Whether Pierce turns up or not is another thing, he prefers their mothers company really. But Mr Mellark is lovely, he’s so nice, you’ll get along perfectly with him!” She smiles and directs me back into the kitchen.

Madge hands me a glass of wine when I go in. I can’t see Peeta but I can hear him speaking through the back somewhere.

“No, no, that’s fine, feel better.” He comes towards us with his phone in hand. “Our party just got two smaller, my friend Annie has food poisoning – not from my food, I’ll point out – so her and her husband are out.” I nod, I was worried about meeting Peeta’s friends, at least that’s one hurdle I won’t need to cross tonight.

We all hear people in the dining room, and Delly comes into the kitchen followed 3 tall men, all who have matching blonde heads like Peeta, and then another woman, whose hand is very firmly in the final of the men and the tallest of the family. Madge, as an old family friend, greets everyone. I hover in the background while Peeta works his way around his brothers and father, giving them hugs and thumps on the back. But then he spots me.

“Katniss, come meet everyone!” He pulls me into the group and holds his arm around my shoulder while turning to his family.

“This is Katniss, she’s Madge’s friend. Katniss, this is my brother Paul,” he’s the one standing next to Madge, “and my dad, Michael,” he moves to the next man, older, but looking just as similar to Peeta as his brothers, “and my oldest brother Pierce,” this is the final man, the tall one, “and his wife Lavinia.” This is the woman who was attached to Pierce on the way in. I smile and give a small wave around the group, not confident enough to do anything else.

“Well that’s us for tonight, so sit down everyone, and I’ll just get the last of the entrees onto the table,” Peeta announces.

Everyone breaks into friendly chat, they’re all familiar with each other, I’m the only new person – the odd one out. I manoeuvre myself close to Madge and we sit together at the table, and I end up with the last empty seat, Peeta’s, on my other side. More bottles of wine are cracked open, and the drink is flowing well by the time Peeta puts down the last few dishes and announces ‘Bon Appetite!’ with flourish. I love watching his passion and enthusiasm for food and entertaining, and I can see it was a good choice for their family business that he has taken on this specific restaurant as his own. It also means he’ll be in the neighbourhood more often, and I think I could be quite ok with that.

The food is just as good the second time around, and I’m glad I got to experience it first with him.

“Do you want the last one?” Peeta holds a plate towards me which has the last half pepper on it. It’s filled with rice and cheese and little pieces of vegetables. They’re very good, and I want to say yes, but I’ve eaten my fair share of food tonight.

“You have it, they were really good though. I’m really impressed, I mean the old menu was very good too, but this new stuff is really good, I like it.” I know I’m rambling and making this more awkward. “You should just eat that, you deserve it.” I finish, my face red and my head tilted down into my lap.

I hear Peeta chuckle. I look up. He’s pulled the pepper onto his plate and is currently cutting it in half.

“Here,” he says, “we’ll split it.”

I smile back to him and hold up my plate to accept the food. It almost feels like I’m accepting a little more than just the food.

 

 

 

 

“Last one,” I say to Peeta, passing him the final plate from the soapy washing up basin. We’re all sharing the cleaning up duties after Peeta cooked for us all.

“Thanks for helping, you really didn’t have to.” He says, reaching into the right cupboard with the pile of plates.

“I wanted to.” I tell him quietly, with a small smile just for him to see, “I had a really good time tonight, Peeta.” My insides are quaking, I’m not sure I can describe how I feel. So far, I like Peeta, maybe I even like him _more_ than I’m wanting right now. Inside, I don’t know how to deal with that. We barely know each other, and that’s what scares me.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much if you're still here - I've been trying to post this chapter for a few days now but the site/my internet just haven't been working out well! But it's finally here, the next update - I kinda hope/think you might be happy with the heavy appearance of a certain someone^  
> Love the support I've received so far xx


	21. Chapter 20 - “I was just glad it wasn’t you”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss lets loose after an unexpected surprise.

 

_“Thanks for coming, Katniss! I really enjoyed having you,” we say our goodbyes and then he leans in and kisses my cheek before I head down the street to the car Madge is waiting by with Peeta’s brother. He’s dropping us off on his way home. I turn around halfway and look back, Peeta is still watching, I give him a smile and wave which he returns before going locking the restaurant and walking in the opposite direction towards his home._

I lie in bed, late into the morning, and think about last night. I had a nice time, and it was with good company. I talked to Peeta mostly, but I also spoke to each of his brothers and his father, who looks just like he could be the fourth brother. They were all nice, and welcoming. The brother above Peeta, Paul, came to chat to me when Peeta was bringing out some more dishes, ‘ _It’s good to finally meet you, Katniss,_ ’ he had told me, and I still don’t know what he meant.

Peeta was very nice. He even texted last night to check I got home ok. He’s very much like a real fairytale gentleman. It makes me smile just thinking about it. Because I can’t remember the last time Gale did anything for me, especially something like checking in on me, or holding a door open for me, or cooking a meal – even bringing a cup of tea.

 

 

///

 

 

I’m walking Toby when we bump into Johanna. She’s leaving work and on her way to a bar, the same one she took me to before.

“You should come, we’ll take your dog home and then go.”

I don’t feel like I have a choice in the matter, but at the same time I know I should be social, and I think Johanna is someone who is worth being friends with. She’s walking in step with me and Toby before I even give an answer. Toby is rather interested in her, she’s someone new to entertain him. She gives into his big eyes and gives his ears a quick ruffle.

“Ok then, but if Madge is home I should ask her along too.” I say, “Madge is the friend who took me in when I had my daughter,” I explain briefly, and Johanna nods without needing more details.

Neither of us speak while we make the ten minute walk back to Madge’s house, although she does comment that it’s a very nice neighbourhood and that Madge’s house is nice.

“I’ll just have to sort some food for him-” I start to say to Johanna as I unlock the front door, but I stop quickly when I see two blonde heads sitting on the sofa. Madge turns at the sound of my voice, smiling.

“Hey Katniss!” She greets, and for a split second, before he’s turned fully, I think it’s Peeta on the sofa next to her. I’m sure my face displays my shock.

My expression remains when Madge’s guest turns fully and I see it’s Peeta’s brother Paul.

“Wow, you sure do look like your brother now that I see you in daylight.” Johanna breaks the silence in the room. I can’t even register what Johanna is saying, I’m just trying to process Madge and Peeta’s brother here.

“This is Johanna,” I say to them both, then let an impatient Toby off his leash and follow him into the kitchen to get him food and check his water. I leave Johanna by the open front door in the lounge with Madge and Paul. I stand in the kitchen, mindlessly filling Toby’s bowl of water trying to figure things out, just when I thought I was becoming more stable.

Paul is here with Madge. Paul drove us home after the menu tasting a few weeks back. As I try to wrack my brain for how they seemed together, I do remember them sitting with each other at the dining table, and chatting together, I suppose I put that down to Madge’s ability to be friendly to anyone, not because they actually already knew each other.

I remain in the kitchen and I can hear Johanna talking to Madge and Paul. Toby paws his way back out of the kitchen door into the living room and bumps into Johanna on his way.

“Are you coming?” She asks, holding the door open. I try and change my expression from what I know is worry to something, _anything_ , else before I turn to her.

I nod and wipe my hands dry then follow Johanna back towards the front door. Madge and Paul are already back to their own conversation, and I see a bottle of wine and two glasses poured. Johanna and I are out of the door and down the path before I remember that I was going to ask Madge to join us.

“They’re busy,” Johanna says quickly, when I go to turn back.

“But-” I start.

“Date night.” She says simply without a change of tone, and she has me stumped. I stop walking and wait for the cogs in my head to catch up.

“Oh come on brainless, they’re an item, a couple, a … whatever you want to call it. They’re dating. They are having a date right now.”

Our walk is slow, but I feel like I shouldn’t be moving. My feet feel heavy and my mind is running wild. Madge deserves a good relationship, especially after all she has done for me over the last months. It’s just something I struggle to get my head around, and I feel like it’s been going on for a while. Johanna puts her arm around my shoulder, and keeps it there for a good portion of our walk to the bar.

The bar is in my sights when Johanna speaks up, “You’re not gonna have this stupid-” she waves one of her hands at me, “-all night. Let loose, calm down and untwist those panties.”

I don’t really listen to her, but she gets my attention with her next words, “Did you want to go on a date with Paul?” She asks.

“What? No!” I exclaim, stopping outside the bar, which looks quite full through the windows.

“Right, did you want to go on a date with Madge, then?”

“ _No!_ ” I say with frustration.

“So let _them_ have _their_ date and _we_ can have a drink.” She says with finality and marches into the bar leaving me to follow. By the time I reach her at the bar, the beers are already on the top and she’s getting her change.

“Thanks,” I mumble, picking up my bottle and taking a sip. We find a table in a quiet corner and I can tell Johanna is gearing up for a deep conversation.

“Finish your drink and then you’ll be talking.” Her tone is firm and her expression is serious. She means business and I don’t think I’m going to get out of it this time.

I buy our next round and Johanna waits patiently for me to start telling her my story, well, at least what happened tonight when I was perfectly fine one minute and then the picture of Madge with Paul derailed me.

“I think Madge and Paul have been going out a while, I just never knew …” I take a pause and long sip on my drink. “She _does_ deserve happiness and someone to share her life with, more than anyone I know, she’s really looked after me.” I say, “Much more than she should have needed to,” I add.

“It was just a surprise?” Johanna suggests. When I look to her face it’s surprisingly sympathetic. “You don’t need to be shocked, I can be understanding when I want to!” She says, finishing her second beer in a quick rate. “I’ll get some more.”

I’m left sitting while she joins the long queue at the bar. I’m staring mindlessly around the place when someone steps into my line of vision right in front of me. The alcohol makes my eyes take a moment to focus.

“Nice to see you here again, Katniss”

It’s Peeta. I completely forgot that he’d been here the last time I came for a drink with Johanna. I left shortly after he came over to say hello, thinking about it now it probably was a bit rude. Why he kept talking to me after that, I have no idea.

I give him a small smile and shrug, “I think it’s Johanna’s favourite” I tell him, indicating her near the front of the line to be served.

“Do you want some company while you wait?” He’s so polite, I’ve never met someone like him, especially not an adult man. The last man to be polite to me was more of a boy, and it was asking me out in high school – I was rude to him too, turning him down and running away immediately.

“Sure” I shuffle into the booth and let Peeta sit next to me. He places his own full pint on the table, and turns to me, I almost fear what he will say next. I can deal with our texting conversations but I have to think of what to say on the spot now.

“So what brings you here tonight?” Peeta says with a smile.

I shrug, “I bumped into Johanna when I was walking the dog.” That’s enough of a reason for me, but then Peeta goes to look under the table.

“For a second I thought you meant you’d brought him with you.” Peeta gives me a big grin, it’s infectious, it’s hard not to giggle back.

“I dropped him home.” And suddenly I remember Madge’s date. “And I also bumped into your brother when I did.”

His smile drops a little and he nods, “Ah, yeah.” I don’t need to say anything before he continues. “They’ve been going out a while, Madge asked me not to say anything. I just, ah, figured you’d gotten out of a tough relationship and didn’t need to hear about their blossoming one.”

My face is roasting and I know it will be beetroot red. I have no idea what to say next, and the silence between us feels incredibly awkward.

“I was just glad it wasn’t you,” I say suddenly, “I mean I thought it was you on the couch with Madge and the wine, and I’m glad it wasn’t …” I only hear what I’m saying as it comes out, and now I feel stupid, “Just ignore me, you’ll want to get back to your friends. Johanna will be back soon.” I’m half mumbling now, wishing Peeta would stop looking at me and sitting with me. I bare a quick glance at him. His expression is soft and his smile is gentle. And suddenly his hand is on top of mine on the table.

“I’ve had too much to drink,” I say quietly down towards the table, hoping Peeta can just forget everything I’ve just spluttered out. I can see Peeta opening his mouth to say something, but a second later Johanna re-appears with three bottles of beer. Peeta and I quickly draw our hands back from each other.

“One for keeping grumpy busy,” she says and slides a beer towards Peeta. I stare at her, and only hope it’s the death stare I used to be good at. She probably set this whole thing up. And now Peeta will sit with us for this drink.

He thanks her, and is polite enough to make sure it’s ok he can sit with us while we all drink. ‘I’m just on my own tonight, well, you know where my drinking buddy is.’ He tells us, and I’m confused for just a second before realising he means his brother.

 

 

 

I haven’t laughed this much in a long _long_ time. There are a lot of empties on the table and when I see that the bar is mostly empty I realise it’s late and that I’ve definitely had too much to drink. Johanna and Peeta realise too when the barman comes and collects the bottles.

“Time to go then,” Johanna announces and stands up pulling on her coat. “You’ll get this one home ok, Peeta?” She asks, although it sounds more like a statement.

Peeta’s finishing his last gulps of beer and before he can swallow and provide an answer, she’s halfway to the door already.

“I can get myself home.” I tell him. Peeta stands to let me out the booth. I trip on my feet as I go to stand but manage to catch myself. I pretend it didn’t happen and have a few failed attempts to get my arms in my coat sleeves.

Peeta’s still standing at the booth with a smirk on his face, “You’re not going anywhere by yourself. I’ll take you home.” I shrug, it’s his choice if he wants to go out of his way. The alcohol warmed me over the night, I feel looser and maybe I could say a few words without feeling stupid. Johanna was a great buffer for our conversation over the last few hours.

Peeta places his hand gently on my back and guides me to the door. He waves and bids goodnight back to the barman as we head out into the night. I refuse to let Peeta pay for a cab, I also do insist that he should go home himself instead of walking me, in the opposite direction. He’s too much ‘knight in shining armour’ to let me go off into the night by myself. Well, I’d be with my thoughts, but Peeta would laugh if I told him this, ‘not good enough’ he would say.

Soon I find myself walking just that bit closer to Peeta while we talk.

“You know I don’t mind Madge having a boyfriend.” I say to him, “And I don’t mind that it’s your brother, as long as he’s as nice as you are.”

Peeta laughs, “I-” he starts, “He’s a good guy.” I nod, he will need to be more than a ‘good guy’ to be enough for Madge. She has taken care of me long enough, I need to do the same for her.

“That’s good of you,” Peeta says, and I realise that I’ve been speaking out loud. “I’ll give my brother a talking to, if you want.” I do. Madge deserves a lot, the best. “I was on the wrestling team in high school, I promise I’ll beat him up if you think he deserves it!” I laugh, and he holds out his pinkie to me. We stop on the street and I knot my own pinkie through his. “I’ll hold you to it.” He takes it very seriously.

Peeta’s arm ends up around my shoulder and I’m held tight to his body as we continue to mile walk back to Madge’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, another month has passed before an update ... work has been a little ridiculous this past month or so, it'll be a little quieter for the next month, so hopefully I'll get another chapter out before long - it's all in my head, I just need to get it out and onto paper!
> 
> Thanks for sticking with it, I'm seriously amazed at how many views and Kudos this story has, and I'm amazed people have stuck around with my rubbish updating skills^ Hopefully this Peeta-filled chapter might make up for that!


	22. Chapter 21 - Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss begins to open up her mind and has some meaningful, thought-provoking and future-considering conversation with Effie.

 

My whole body is heavy and my head is filled with a dull ache. I feel cold, and only then do I notice the curtains blowing and the window open a few inches. I’m also aware that I’m just wearing my underwear tucked in nicely beneath my sheets and blankets.

The previous night slowly creeps back into my mind, and I hit my forehead with my palm.

_Peeta and I giggle all the way home, and I walk with his arm around me – sometimes even grabbing at his hand to hold in mine._ I don’t know what came over me, it was so unlike me.

_Peeta holds the garden gate open for me with theatricality and I laugh, giving him a mock curtsey in return and thanking him. He even leads me to the front door and patiently waits while I dig in my pocket for the key. I pull it out eventually and hold it up._

_“That’s me then, home.” I say, there’s hesitancy in my voice and I question why. I’ve had a good time tonight, a truly good time, the first in a long while. And for a second I believe it’s real and not fuelled by all the beer that I’ve drunk._

_“I-” I start to speak again but the front door is flung open._

_“There you are!” Madge exclaims, then she sees Peeta, “Oh I’m so glad you made sure she got back ok, I’ve been calling you!” She turns her attention back to me to scold me. I just shrug, then turn back to Peeta._

_“Bye Peeta, thank you for walking me, I had a nice night.” I smile genuinely at him before squeezing past Madge into the house and upstairs to head to bed, feeling suddenly exhausted. I go into the bathroom and use the toilet before going into my room and closing the door. I only manage to get down to my underwear before crawling into my warm bed. I flick the lamp off and the darkness pulls me under._

I can’t believe how stupid and _giddy_ I was last night, in front of Peeta too! I groan and turn onto my side then notice a mug on the bedside table. Reaching a hand out, it’s still warm – Madge has recently left me a cup of tea, which I take and slurp greedily. I sigh into the tea, wondering what excuse I can come up with for my behaviour last night.

I’m dozing a while later when the door creeks open a little and Madge’s head appears.

“Morning,” she says quietly, and comes in when she sees me awake and lies next to me on the bed.

“Big night last night then, eh?” She elbows me and is all smiles. I bury my head under the covers and groan loudly.

“I’m just kidding,” she says “I know nothing happened. But you seem to have had a great time with Peeta.”

“It’s so _embarrassing_!” I moan, my face reddening.

“What?”

“I drank too much, I had no inhibitions! And in front of Peeta too!”

“Oh come on, you were _both_ drunk when he chivalrously walked you all the way home. I’m quite sure you did nothing embarrassing. Peeta was very happy with your evening, he said he had a great night and he enjoyed your company. That doesn’t sound like you were embarrassing to me.” She says evenly.

“If you ask me,” she continues, “he seemed completely smitten by you.” She turns onto her side and faces me. “I know you don’t want to believe it, or even think about having another relationship right now. But I think it’s true. Peeta will do whatever you want, but he will also do whatever it takes to make you happy, especially if it’s with him.”

This is too much to deal with at once. I groan even more.

I feel Madge get off the bed, but before she manages to leave the room I untangle myself from the sheets and come out into the open. “How would I know if I like him though?” I ask quietly.

Madge stops in her tracks and turns slowly, a grin growing on her face. Then she bounds back to the bed to pounce on me.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“Oh, that’s enough chairs for tonight,” Effie tells me as I help her set up for our latest meeting. I put the last one I’d set out back onto the pile at the side of the room. “Poor Sae has a touch of pneumonia, she’s been in the hospital for almost a week now.” Effie adds as she sets out cups for tea.

“Oh,” I say quietly, “I hope she gets better.” I’m not good in situations where you need to say the right thing. They instil panic inside me.

“So do I,” Effie sighs, “it’s the third time in the past year though. She’s a very able little lady, but I think it’s all catching up on her now. She’s almost 90 you know.” Effie says on to me while she now makes the tea.

Wow. 90 is an incredible age, which Sae certainly doesn’t look, and I can’t imagine living that long.

“I’ve picked up a Get Well Soon card for her too,” Effie continues, “I think it would be nice if we all wrote a little something, and I could take it in tomorrow for her. She doesn’t have much in the way of family, just a distant niece who lives across the country.”

She sounds like me then with her family situation. I don’t really listen to any more from Effie, and I may be interrupting her when I speak up, “I’ll take the card. I will go and visit her tomorrow.” My voice sounds firm, I’m not sure where the suggestion came from, but when I was in the hospital, having Madge there helped. I know I’m not a close friend to Sae, but I’ve gotten to know her over the past weeks. The hats she knits for babies really touched me.

“Oh, that’s _wonderful_!” Effie exclaims, “Sae will be delighted to see you!” Effie jots down the directions to Sae’s room on a sticky note from her bag. “I topped her up with all the latest magazines when I went in this morning, but she might be needing some more little snacks, those fruit boxes are good, her teeth aren’t the best …”

Effie prattles on a little too much, I nod along to her instructions and try to remember that I’ll need to stop somewhere on my way in to get grapes or whatever.

Johanna and Wiress arrive before long, followed by Ceceila, and we start getting settled for the meeting after writing messages in the card for Sae. It’s sealed and tucked in my jacket pocket now.

“Just pass around these pamphlets,” Effie says passing me a little bundle. I take one and pass them on. “The hospital is wanting group sessions like these to become more uniform, follow more structure. It’s up to you ladies, but this will have all the current information and the programme that is being recommended.”

Johanna’s groans are audible, “Our _grief_ and _healing_ shouldn’t have to be organised by a bloody list of discussion points. I vote no!” Johanna exclaims and tears the paper in two dropping the halves on the floor. Before I have time to say something, her chair is scraping back over the floor and she leaves our circle, slamming the door behind her. I pull my gaze from her and the door and look down with shame for watching. I don’t feel like I have enough experience in this to justify having an opinion.

There aren’t enough members of our group for whispers to follow Johanna’s exit. Effie tries not to show that she’s a little flustered.

“This isn’t something that’s going to come into place immediately, or that you have to choose to do. All of the information is there and you can call me or come speak to me if you have any further questions or concerns.”

The three of us nod, I’ll think about it later. Then I put the flyer into my pocket along with Sae’s card. I wonder what she would think about this … I also think it might be interesting to speak to Sae and find out her story. She is a woman of few words with a kind heart, and I feel sorry that she doesn’t seem to have anyone to look after her.

I’m thinking about Sae as Effie tries to move the conversation forward, deciding to give one of the suggested starting topics a go to see how we feel about discussing something that has been set every week. Johanna, of the four of us, was the only one to show a strong reaction, I’ll go and check her watering hole after we’re done here I decide.

“Support was key after each of your labors, in fact I was there with all three of you while you were in the hospital. But there are a lot more important people there than just me …”

As Effie speaks again I think about how much Madge did for me. I don’t think I can ever repay her, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. As Wiress pipes up, mentioning her husband, my attention turns to Gale. It’s a surprise, I haven’t actually thought of him in a while. He wasn’t my husband, I never wanted him to be. He did, himself, for a while, but eventually he moved on from the thought and we never spoke of it again. I think Hazelle pushed Gale about it for a few months, wanting a pretty white wedding, the one I didn’t want. A baby didn’t change any of that for me.

“Katniss? Are you ok?”

A voice bursts my bubble of thought. As my head snaps up I see the three women looking at me.

“Are you feeling alright?”

My face flushes and I nod, apologising for not properly listening to the discussion.

 

 

It’s less than an hour later when we’re packing up the chairs and tidying the little church room.

“How do you feel about having a structured plan for counselling?” Effie asks me directly when it’s only the two of us left, somehow I’m always the one left with Effie.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly, “I’ll read the information later.”

“I know Johanna makes a lot of things about her, but Katniss you can make things about you too. You can have your own say and speak what’s on your mind at any time.” Effie finishes tidying and stops to look and speak directly at me. “You’re very quiet with others, I just thought maybe you’ve decided that a more individual approach is what you want, and if it is, that’s completely fine. _I_ just need to make sure that _you’re_ happy with everything, and you’re getting everything that you need out of counselling.”

I gulp, instantly feeling guilty that I’ve come across as not wanting to be here. But really I don’t know what I want, and I tell Effie so.

My face is burning as I say each word, and I just feel stupid, “I don’t feel qualified to have an opinion. Like it wouldn’t count if I said something. I sometimes think of a question to ask, but I don’t want to disturb everyone else.”

“Oh Katniss …” Effies says quietly, and before I know it I’m engulfed in a mass of curly hair, pink chiffon and floral perfume. Effie pushes my head onto her shoulder, patting my hair down and shushing me as she rests her head against mine. It’s actually nice. I didn’t know I had missed a maternal figure.

I let my arms come up around Effie and I make the most of the embrace.

“Now,” Effie says after a few more minutes. I’ve shed a few tears and she let me have them without notice. “I’m going to drive you home, and we’ll have a nice cup of tea and we’ll have a chat about you. Ok?” She doesn’t give me any say in the matter and marches me out to her car, locking up the entrance to the Church after making sure I’m buckled into the passenger seat and not going anywhere. I’m worried about Johanna as Effie turns on the radio when she gets into the driver’s seat. She keeps the volume low so I can give a few directions to the house.

I notice Madge’s car outside, but the house is shrouded in darkness. I let Effie into the quiet home and turn on just a few lights, trying not to wake Toby, who will be asleep on one of our beds no doubt. I try to tell Effie to sit in the lounge and I will make tea, but she refuses and forces me onto the sofa while she turns the kitchen into her own.

I let my head rest against the back of the sofa, sigh, and gently close my eyes for a moment of rest. I open my eyes again when I hear Effie place a mug down on the coffee table in front of me. She sits down next to me with her own mug in her grip. I nervously pick at my nails until Effie’s hand covers mine and stops me.

“There’s no need to be afraid, Katniss. Everything that you say to me is confidential.” She speaks slowly and nods at me, as if I’m struggling to understand. It’s not the understanding I have an issue with, it’s untangling the web of my thoughts and emotions. And doing it in the right way.

“I don’t like to talk about my feelings, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad for me because I feel a certain way about something.”

“That’s what _I’m_ here for, I will listen to whatever you want to talk about, whenever you do. It can be about anything, it doesn’t have to be restricted to the experiences that brought you to me. I think you will benefit more from individual sessions – whether they’re with me or not. I’m not telling you to stop coming to the group sessions, with time you might be more comfortable there, but it’s my duty to make sure that you are getting the right care for you. I worry that without treatment now, you will struggle in the future.”

I don’t know what she’s saying, really, but I let her speak her mind. She’s the professional after all.

“It’s been almost 8 months Katniss.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Peeta to start with and moving deeper as the chapter goes on.
> 
> Only more apologies for the length of time you had to wait for this update, I actually had this ready a few weeks ago but time seemed to slip from my hands - I really really hope the next chapter will be sooner! So thank you for keeping interested and still reading/kudosing/commenting =D


	23. Chapter 22 - Looking over, keeping safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss does a lot of talking, but acknowledges that steps forward often come with steps back.

 

I’m laden with things as I walk into the hospital the next day. I have a bag of soft fruit for Sae, Effie has already stocked her with magazines, so instead I’ve brought her some new wool for her knitting to keep her occupied. I want her to keep making tiny hats for tiny babies. And I also brought her a picture of Ruby wearing the hat that she was given upon her entry to the NICU. I want to show Sae how much I appreciate the simple gesture and how much it meant to me. Afterwards Effie has set me up with a one-on-one session. She thinks we had a very promising discussion last night and she wants to keep helping me. For the sake of my future, I listen to her sincerely.

The nurse in charge of Sae is delighted that there is a visitor, she thinks a familiar face might cheer her up, and she happily leads me through to the shared room that Sae is in.

Sae is sitting up with a magazine on her lap, and she is plugged into several different machines and bags of fluid. It’s overwhelming, and it reminds me that I will have looked the same during my stay in this hospital too. She smiles when she sees me and sets her magazine aside while the nurse pulls a chair up for me to sit in.

“Hi,” I say quietly, not wanting to disturb the other patients. “Effie said you weren’t well and I thought you might like some company.” I tell her, clutching my bag on my knee.

“Just old age!” She jokes and gives a gentle laugh, “Nothing a few of these bags won’t sort.” She adds, tugging gently on the lines running into her arm. I find it all too serious to make jokes myself, but I smile for her benefit.

“I brought some fruit.” I pull the punnet of strawberries from my bag, followed by peaches and grapes. “And I have a card,” I hand her the sealed envelope, “And, emm,” I hesitate a second or two, “I also brought some wool. For hats.” I bring out the pastel coloured balls of wool and place them on the cabinet by the bed.

Sae is still holding the card and hasn’t opened it yet, but has her sights set on the wool. “That’s very kind of you, girlie,” she looks into my eyes as she speaks, making me slightly uncomfortable. And then she grips my hands in hers. “If you can just get my knitting bag out of the cabinet there and set it here on the bed, I’ll make a start later.” I smile at her, and do as I’m told.

“I really did appreciate the hat that my daughter received when she was in the NICU.” My fingers fiddle with the photograph that I brought, “And I still have it. It’s so precious, and I don’t know how to thank you enough for something so simple as a hat, but it was so kind of you. And you just knit them and pass them on and never find out who they go to. And I’m sorry I don’t have a happy ending-” my rambling is stopped by Sae’s hand over mine again.

“Shh, dear girl,” her tone is kind and gentle, “you don’t need to say anything.”

 

 

///

 

 

“You stopped in to visit Sae?” Effie asks when I arrive at her office, and I nod, relaying the list of things I brought for her and how she was looking and feeling today.

“Good good. Now on to you!” She says and pats the seat next to her on the sofa for me to join her. I take off my jacket and sit down.

“I want to introduce something to you that I think you should consider,” she tells me seriously, I don’t have any ideas on what she’s going to say. “And I have some more information available for you and some more contacts that you might find useful.” I nod along, waiting for her to tell me whatever it is.

“Katniss, what do you know about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, of PTSD?” Effie asks me.

I think for a moment, “That’s what the military service men and women can get when they come back from war zones.” I pause a second, “That doesn’t apply to me-”

But Effie hold her hand up. “There are a lot of misconceptions about PTSD. It can affect many different people, who have been in many different situations. Including women who suffer traumatic births, stays in the NICU, and women like you who sadly lose their baby.” Her tone is soft and has a sad quality to it.

“You went through a lot last year, just one thing could lead to PTSD. And there is evidence to suggest that mothers of premature babies can be more prone to PTSD – you have so many of the risk factors for an increased likelihood of PTSD. And I don’t think you’ve been feeling quite right with how things have been going.”

I remain silent, I don’t know what to say. It all sounds plausible, but I don’t think I’ve gotten my head around it yet.

“I don’t know, Effie. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or what I’m supposed to say or do. When I sit in the group meetings I look at Cecelia and Wiress and I just can’t picture it. I can’t see myself as them in a few years’ time. I can’t see what I’m supposed to do to get there.”

Effie smiles at me, “That’s what I’m here to help with!” She takes my hand in hers. “But I think there are other people who can help you too. I’d like you to consider seeing a colleague of mine, who specialises in PTSD. I think he might be able to help you and give you some more guidance.”

I look to her serious face, “Does it really help?” I ask sincerely.

Effie nods slowly, “It can. Maybe you will meet him, and after a discussion he decides that maybe you don’t have PTSD, but isn’t it worth going to see him and finding out? Just in case?” Effie looks so concerned about me, I even feel bad about that. “I’ve seen what _not_ getting help can do to people, Katniss.” I believe this is coming from a good place within Effie.

“Ok, I’ll go.” I think I glimpse an expression of relief from her.

 

 

We take a quick break for Effie to make tea for both of us, and when she sits down it’s back to business.

“I’d like to talk about your partner, Gale.” She starts.

Ok, going in for a big one. I agree that that’s fine, I know I will have to speak about him at some point.

“Where did you meet each other?”

“We’ve always known each other, since we were kids. I was probably about 4 or 5, Gale is three years older than me. We lived in the same neighbourhood, our dad’s worked the same job. It was an easy friendship.”

Effie follows along, I notice she’s not taking notes. I’m pleased, it feels more personal. I think she’s proven enough already that she cares, this just helps a little more.

“I was a tomboy growing up, it was easier to be friends with Gale and his group of boys than to get in with the girls. Although Madge and I became friends in the first grade. Gale and Madge were never really friends; they were two separate parts of my life. They just kind of dealt with each other.”

Thinking about it, Gale was always shocked at my friendship with Madge and also that it has lasted. I begin to wonder if it was that he wanted to keep me to himself, but I don’t voice that accusation.

“How old were you when your father died?”

I take a breath, “Almost 12. I had to look after my sister, she was 4 years younger, she didn’t understand what was happening.”

“And then you lost your mother too.” Effie states.

I nod, this death did not come as so much of a surprise. Our mother was already ill, we knew she had a shortened lifespan. The death of her love took a further toll on her health. Prim and I managed just fine for the 3 years before she died, and then the years after. For the short time between my mother’s death and Prim’s death we stayed with our appointed guardian – an old friend of our parents who we had only ever met as young children. I got out of there as soon as I could.

“How old was your sister when she passed away?” I can hear the tentative tone in Effie’s voice.

“14. I … I-I don’t want to talk about her. Please?” I ask Effie and she obliges, wanting to focus on my relationship with Gale she takes a side-step with her questions after a few moments reprieve.

“And you always knew Gale’s family?”

I nod along and tell her. The parents were friends, all us kids were friends. Gale’s father died in a similar accident to the one that took my own father just a few years later – the safety investigations started in the months after. And during that time both Prim and I stepped up and helped Hazelle before and after Posy was born.

“And you’re still in touch with his family now?”

More nodding from me, it’s all that seems to come easily right at this moment. As easily as my getting together with Gale and as easy as our separation it seems. Words are too difficult.

“Can you tell me a little about how you used to get along with his family then and then now? Maybe more specifically his mother.” Effie asks next. She’s finished her own cup of tea, and mine is still quite full.

“After our father died, the Hawthorne’s always looked out for Prim and I. Double checking we were fed and clothed and had everything we needed for school. I was stubborn for a few years about it, I wanted to prove I was capable of providing for my own family. Then our mother was showing signs of deterioration and I knew Prim needed more, needed a distraction from what was really happening.

Things changed between me and Gale … around about the time my mother and his father died, I think we were both struggling … and needed something different to cling on to. We grew closer in my mother’s last weeks; we came together without discussion.” My fingers are restless. I need something to do with my hands. I think I need to end this conversation and get out for some air.

“Gale and I as a couple were like going 0 to 100 in just days. And then there was just one parent between us.” I take a deep breath, “I suppose I went off the rails with my behaviour. I’ve had time to think about it now, and I think Gale was responsible for some of it. We weren’t well suited, too similar in our goal to be dominant. It was a little like ‘who can be better best’. I was 15, I didn’t know anything else.”

It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since then.

“You grew up very young, then.” Effie comments, and I agree with her.

“Yes, in a way, but not in every way – I’ve never lived alone. After my mother died, there was our guardian, then I was in college for a few months and there was a roommate, and then I was in the Hawthorne’s house and eventually Gale and I moved into our apartment.” I take a breath, “I think I maybe was struggling from the moment Gale left me alone and pregnant. I lived in our apartment alone, and maybe I wasn’t coping – though I barely remember it with everything else that’s gone on. I suppose I’m worried about what will happen after I leave Madge’s.”

Effie takes everything in, I’ve told her a lot in just a few short sentences. More worries than she was wanting I’m sure. She doesn’t say anything immediately; I think she’s trying to decide where to begin.

“Have you discussed your current living arrangements with Madge?”

“Well, yes.” I go to stop, but Effie looks at me to go on. “She’s too nice to say she’d kick me out.”

“Your friend Madge _is_ very nice, I don’t need to know her well to know that – look at all she’s helped out with so far. She’s in it for the long-run with you, she cares for you.”

I don’t know what will convince me of that. Maybe nothing will.

“She’s in a new relationship, I don’t want to be the one to spoil that when she deserves it so much.”

I rest my elbows on my knees and drop my forehead into my palms, massaging my temples. I’m going around in circles.

 

 

Effie tries to convince me otherwise, but I’m too stuck in one mindset today. I’m exhausted. Effie lets me rest for the last twenty minutes of my appointment slot on her sofa.

I leave with drooping eyes and an appointment with her colleague, Dr Aurelius, a specialist in PTSD. I’m yawning as I walk, and barely notice where I’m going through the hospital to get to the exit. Before I know it, I’m standing at the NICU doors without realising quite how I got here.

I can’t go inside. The doors are locked with a panel for authorised access only. Most of my nightmares lie behind those doors, I think. Maybe it’s time to face a fear I didn’t know I had.

 

 

 

I don’t know how long I sit outside the doors for. I don’t even look at them, I sit tightly with my hands clasped in my lap, my eyes trained on them. I blink tiredly, it’s been a long day. The beeping of the door allowing people access to the NICU comes and goes. Eventually I feel a presence in front of me.

“Hi, I thought I recognised you, Katniss.” It’s a nurse who has stopped, she has her jacket in her hand and a backpack over one shoulder. I recognise her too when I look closely at her face. “It’s Tilly,” she doesn’t say anymore, just motions towards the NICU in understanding. I give her a small smile, and I feel some tension rise from my shoulders.

“I remember. I’m glad to see you still work here. You were really great, with everything.”

“Do you want to come in?” She asks, and I hesitate, because she’s either just arriving to start her shift or is leaving after a long day.

“It’s alright, I’ve got time,” She then says, sensing my worry. I agree and let her lead the way.

I take a few deep breaths as we step through the doors. The familiarity of these corridors rushes back to be so quickly that it almost winds me and I need to stop for just a second. She leads me over to some seating in a corridor by the nurse’s station, leaving me there while she goes to the locker room to put away her belongings. I sit down to wait, trying to calm my nerves while the hospital smell threatens my senses.

Tilly comes back ready for work, but she still says she has time for me. She sits next to me.

“Have you been doing okay?” Her tone is tentative.

I shake my head and reply honestly and openly that I’m not.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright.” I still see so much of Prim in her, even though I barely know her.

“Let me show you something,” she stands, directing me down a corridor that I haven’t taken before. She stops halfway down it and lets me take a look at the wall. It’s decorated with a wooden painted tree, ready to blossom. Along the branches are pictures of babies.

“Those ones are the graduates,” Tilly says, then turns me around, “And these are our precious stars. The ones who we have looking over everyone and keeping all the current residents safe.” The wall is painted a deep navy, with golden wooden stars each decorated with a picture – one for each baby who didn’t make it. There are so many – but there are also so many on the other wall behind me. I’m searching, almost frantically, for Ruby. Tilly stops me and picks her out easily. The star has her name and her birth and death dates written on neatly.

I reach my hand up to brush over the star, it shakes uncontrollably. The shaking overtakes my body quickly and I sink to the ground, my legs failing me. And I cry.

 

 

I call Madge incoherently. She’s able to come and scrape me off the floor of the NICU. She holds me up, as she usually does, and pulls me to her side, gripping me tightly. She shushes, I still sob. Right in this moment I can’t ever imagine moving on or feeling better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter very much marks a certain point in the story - while there's a few more steps to make, light is on the way for Katniss.
> 
>  
> 
> I really didn't mean for a long hiatus, I didn't mean for a hiatus at all, but the second half of the year got very crazy and I spent more time travelling (for work) than I really did at home! That's kind of ok though, work is important, but I'm looking forward to a bit of a quieter year on the travelling front and want to dedicate time to finishing this piece! I have a bit more written, and I plan on getting the next chapter up in the next few weeks - if anyone is still there reading^
> 
> I hope you all had a lovely holiday period and I wish you all the best for 2018 =)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and joining my first WIP - I very much look forward to sharing this with you^
> 
> As usual, I do not own the Hunger Games or the Hunger Games characters.


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